Fall 2017 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

14 - Bic
10 - B
 9 - Paul
 9 - Mikey
 8 - Charlie
 7 - Grant
 7 - Mark
 6 - Adam
 6 - Hus
 5 - Dave M
 3 - Kenny G
 3 - Petey
 2 - Matt
 2 - Jeff
 2 - Rent-A-Steve
 1 - SubGoalieGuy


Playoffs - Round Two
Sunday, March 18, 2018
Renegades 4
Spiders 1

#3 Bic - Has our only goal.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Hard Hat - Matt


Quote of the Night
[Everyone is discussing the fact that we had to show IDs 
when checking in.]

Bic - "The girl at the desk didn't ask me for an ID."

Charlie - "That's because she's seen those pictures of 
you deep throating the ref."



Wednesday, February 28, 2018
Spiders   3
Renegades 1

#3 Mark - Despite cutting himself with a toilet (And no, 
that's not a sex thing.  Yet.), shows up to cheer us on 
from the bleachers.  That shows dedication.  Or an 
appalling lack of a life.

#2 Grant, Matt - Grant almost pitches the shutout, but 
we let him down as the Renegades scored with less than ten 
seconds left in the third.  Matt has our other goal.

#1 Paul - Two goals.

Hard Hat - Paul


Quote of the Night
Quote #1:

B - "Dave reminds me of Theo Fluery."

Charlie - "Dave can only wished he'd been raped as much 
by his junior team coach."

Quote #2:

[B is watching Adam change after the game.]

B - "Pretty much every sexual fantasy I have begins 
with Adam wearing those palm tree boxers and knee high 
red socks."



Thursday, February 15, 2018
Spiders       9
Dancing Bears 1

#3 Dave, B, Paul - Each with a goal.

#2 Bic - Two goals.

#1 Mikey, Hus - I tend to only award myself a first star when I 
manage a hat trick.  Which I did.  Hus gets a top star for 
having A goal, something that only happens once in 
a double secret probation super blue moon.

Hard Hat - Kenny G


Quote of the Night
Bic - "It doesn't matter if you're homo, as long as you try."



Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Spiders   3
Renegades 2

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a pity #3 for knocking one in.

#2 Grant - I thought he played a strong game and kept us in it.

#1 Charlie, Mark - Each with one.

Hard Hat - Grant


Quote of the Night
Quote #1

Jeff - "We had a guy come into the hospital with a dildo stuck 
up his ass.  He should have tied a string around it, like I do."

Quote #2

Mark - "I need some good singings for my playlist."



Thursday, January 25, 2018
Spiders 6
Celts   3

#3 SubGoalieGuy - A solid performance.

#2 Charlie, Paul - Each with one goal.  Charlie takes a long 
feed and rips one from the top of the circle.  Pauly scores 
with under a minute to put us up by three, but it was off of 
a sick feed and ended with a nice move.

#1 Bic, Mark - Each with two goals.  And a lover's quarrel 
on the bench.

Hard Hat - Mark


Quote of the Night
A few contenders, but none all that worthy.



Monday, January 8, 2018
Spiders      9
Net Crashers 4

[NOTE:  We had nine goals.  I lost count who had what.  
Apologies in advance to anyone I missed.]

#3 Dave, Bic, Paul - I know each of you had goals. 
Paul also had a hat trick of penalties.

#2 Kenny G - Bic calls it during warm-ups, saying he knew 
Kenny G  was going to score on a shot from the point.

#1 Charlie, B - Each with a picturesque goal on a 
breakaway, although Charlie was gooning it up a bit 
out there.

Hard Hat - Paul


Quote of the Night
Quote #1

Matt - "One disadvantage to being a big guy like me is that I'll never 
have a woman large enough to manhandle me in bed.  If I were Dave, I'd 
be nailing 300lb women every night."

Quote #2:

[The are assigned "special" locker room #6 for the first time, and there's 
an equipment bench with vises on it.]

Charlie - "That vise if for your balls.  Who wants to go first?"

Bic - "This one has padding.  It's for warm up."



Friday, December 22, 2017
Big Dekes W by FF
Spiders

-#3 Refs - For making us forfeit the game as Grant was 
skating onto the ice.

-#2 Refs - For making us forfeit the game as Grant was 
skating onto the ice.

-#1 Refs - For making us forfeit the game as Grant was 
skating onto the ice.

Hard Hat - Not awarded.


Quote of the Night
[NOTE: Tonight's quotes are being limited to the actual "game."  If we 
were to include quotes from the bar after, the list would be a mile long. 
And quite possibly some of us would be subject to prosecution.]

Quote #1:

[On asking if he would be part of the crew heading to the bar after the 
game.]

B - "Petey, are you coming out?"

Hus - "Petey came out a long time ago."

Quote #2:

[On insisting he told BrYan's wife.]

Rich - "I told your wife."

BrYan - "No you didn't."

Rich - "Yes I did."

Jeff - "He told her while he was putting his pants back on."



Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Spiders       6
Dancing Bears 2

#3 Petey, Grant - Petey making another guest appearance 
and putting forth a strong effort.  Grant with some big 
saves to shut the door after the Dancing Bears crept 
back into it.

#2 Mikey, Jeff, Adam - Our other goal scorers.  Jeff 
with a nice breakaway and a strong game in general.  Adam 
pulls a Lemieux and scores from the corner along the goal 
line.  And I'll give myself a #2 for having two.

#1 Bic - Scoring with under thirty seconds left in the third 
period of a 5-2 game is a little cheesey, but he did have two 
goals tonight.

Hard Hat - Petey?


Quote of the Night
[Petey skates up to the faceoff circle after the Spiders 
score with a big smile on his face.]

B - "Petey's smiling like he just gave his first handjob."



Wednesday, November 29, 2017
Renegades 4
Spiders   3

#3 Paul - Another strong performance on D.

#2 Hus, Bic, ??? - Our goal scorers on the evening.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Hard Hat - Hus


Quote of the Night
Quote #1:

[Dave, explaining the fights during and after the Big Dekes game.] 

Dave - "They started calling (Mark?) a faggot.  Faggot this, faggot 
that."

Mikey - "That's so insensitive!  Don't they realize calling someone 
gay is a retarded thing to do?!"

Quote #2:

Dave - "When Tyler Kennedy was in Wilkes-Barre, he almost bit his tongue off. 
They sewed it back on, but he can't feel it."

Charlie - "That's because the trainer shoved it up his ass first and took a 
picture.  'Look!  I've got a tongue up my ass!'"



Thursday, November 16, 2017
Spiders 4
Celts   2

#3 Hus, Paul - Hus plays a strong game all around, but somehow 
managing to break up a Celt rush with a poke check after he 
tripped over the blue line and was prone on the ice is star 
worthy in and of itself.  Paul also plays a strong game on D 
in his Spiders debut.

#2 Bic, Adam - Each with a goal.

#1 B - Two goals.

Hard Hat - B


Quote of the Night
Dave - "He said he's entertaining his new boss."

Mikey - "And by 'entertaining' he means 'farting all over him.'"



Sunday, November 5, 2017
Spiders      5
Net Crashers 3

#3 B, Grant - B looking smooth on the D line, Grant gives up 
3, but also made a number of good saves to give us a greater 
margin of error.

#2 Adam, Petey - Petey almost gets a star just for actually 
showing up, but he and Adam each notch a tally.

#1 Mikey - I normally only give myself a #1 when I score a hat 
trick.  And I did.

Hard Hat - Mikey


Quote of the Night
[Jeff is already changed and dressed, and is lingering around 
by the door.] 

B - "So Jeff, are you just standing around waiting, hoping you'll 
see some cock?"



Thursday, October 19, 2017
Spiders   3 OT/SO
Big Dekes 2

#3 Grant, Kenny G  - Grant stops both attempts in 
the shootout, Kenny G gets in a fight during the 
handshake line.

#2 B, Rent-A-Steve - B scores the game-winner in the shootout, 
Rent-A-Steve has our other goal in regulation.

#1 Dave M - Scores the game-tying goal with :25 left in 
the third AND in the subsequent shootout.

Hard Hat - Dave M

Pink Socks - Not awarded.


Quote of the Night
[In the shootout. After chirping and gooning it up all game, 
their team was yelling at our bench as B was skating with the 
game-clincher.] 

Dave M.: "HEY! Just STFU and watch us beat you right here." 

[B scores. One of them fights Dave M in the handshake line.]

Summer 2017 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

16 - Canadian Matt
14 - Alison
12 - Bic
 9 - Mark
 9 - Mikey
 6 - B
 6 - Jeff
 6 - Dave M
 5 - Kenny G
 5 - Charlie
 5 - Jason
 3 - Adam
 3 - Matt G
 2 - BrYan
 1 - Hus
 1 - Sub Goalie
 1 - Drew
 1 - Steve
 1 - Porn
 1 - Fans


Playoffs - Championship
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
Spiders     3
Cold Fusion 1

#3 The Rest of the Team - We all deserve a star for coming back to 
claim our first championship since 2009 against Cold Fusion after 
losing to them 9-0 in front of our families in the season opener.

#2 B, Canadian Matt, Jason - Self explanatory.  In J's case, not 
only does he suit up for us instead of Cold Fusion, but he 
scores against them, too!

#1 Alison - The top star and the Conn Smythe.  Some amazing 
saves again tonight.  We wouldn't have won it without her.

Hard Hat - Canadian Matt

Pink Socks - Not awarded.


Quote of the Night
We have three tonight.

Quote #1:

[A high school team has played before us and is in the other 
locker room.]

B? - "We started off the night seeing naked boys and ended the 
night as champions."

Quote #2:

[After walking into the showers with said high school team.]

B - "I just stood there and said 'it's not going to suck itself.'"

Quote #3:

[On his own horrible flatulance.}

BrYan - "It's about time Jews do the gassing."



Playoffs - Round Two
Monday, October 9, 2017
Spiders   4
Renegades 0

#3 Mikey - Two goals.  Both on the backhand, no less.  And to 
top it off, my regularly scheduled giveaway didn't lead to a 
goal this week!

#2 Mark, Adam - our other two goals.

#1 Alison - Pitches the shutout.  Is it too late to re-sign her 
for next season?

Hard Hat - Alison

Pink Socks - B didn't actually win them tonight, but he wore them 
(as penance for a previous win), so he has to wear them again tomorrow.


Quote of the Night
We have two tonight.

Quote #1:

[On Matty G backing out on tonight's game due to 
"schoolwork."]

Bic - "And by 'writing a paper' he means 'five hour 
fap session.'"

Quote #2:

[On Hus backing out on tonight's game due to "back spasms."]

Dave M - "Hus doesn't know it's considered improper etiquette 
to look back over your shoulder at the guy who's fucking you."



Playoffs - Round One
Monday, October 2, 2017
Spiders   2
Big Dekes 1

#3 Mikey - I might have given myself a #2 for scoring our first 
goal, but I'll knock myself back to a #3 for making the turnover 
that led to our only goal against.

#2 Bic - Had our other goal.

#1 Alison - Her strongest game in goal yet.  Would have had the 
shutout had I not screwed up in the closing seconds of the second 
period.

Hard Hat - Adam

Pink Socks - Are we still awarding them?


Quote of the Night
We have two tonight.

Quote #1:

[On Bic's wife letting him play tonight.]

Dave M - "Tell your wife thanks."

Jeff - "Tell your wife she's welcome."

Quote #2:

[Dave M giving advice to Kenny G on his upcoming trip to 
Disney World.]

Dave M - "Merida was by far the nicest of the Disney princesses."

BrYan - "I'd cum on her face."



Wednesday, September 27, 2017
Spiders 3
Celts   2

#3 Alison - Her best performance of the season.

#2 Mikey - I had one nice goal, setup Mark for his goal, 
and hit the post on a breakaway.

#1 Mark, Jason - Mark bangs one in from tight in the crease,
J snipes one in coming down the wing.

Hard Hat - Jason

Pink Socks - Not awarded.


Quote of the Night
We have two tonight.

Quote #1:

[On Mikey's nice goal.]

Charlie - "Damn, Mikey, what did you eat tonight?!"

Petey - "Some guy named Tyrone."

Quote #2:

[On BrYan's recent vasectomy.]

Charlie - "It's the best thing to happen to Jews since 
the Holocaust."



Monday, Setpember 18, 2017
Spiders 4 OT/SO
Celts   3

#3 Mark - Had about a billion chances.

#2 Mikey, Alison - I'll give myself a second star 
for having two goals.  The old man still has a little 
gas left in the tank.  Alison makes some key saves, 
especially in the shootout where she tossed a 
goose egg.

#1 Canadian Matt, Bic - Matt has the other regulation 
goal, and Bic scores the game winner in the shootout.


Thursday, September 14, 2017
Big Dekes 8
Spiders   6

#3 B, Bic - I know you two both had goals.

#2 Canadian Matt - Two goals on one shift, plus a couple 
others, IIRC.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Hard Hat - Canadian Matt


Quote of the Night
[Mikey is explaining how he almost chopped off his finger 
with a machetelast week.]

Bic - "My sister's ex-boyfriend chopped the tip of her 
finger off while cutting firewood."

Mikey - "Was it the finger she masturbates with?"

Everyone - "Hey, that's his sister you're talking about!"

Bic - "That's ok, my sister can take care of herself."

Dave M - "So the answer is obviously no."



Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Spiders      7
Net Crashers 3

-#3 Matt G - Was supposed to step in at the last minute as 
a sub, but couldn't find his skates.  The honeymoon is 
definitely over.

#3 Alison - Strong game in net.

#2 Bic, Jeff - Had some goals.  Apologies to anyone else who 
did but didn't get mentioned here.

#1 Canadian Matt - Pretty sure he had the most goals tonight.

Hard Hat - Jeff

Pink Socks - Matt G


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Monday, August 21, 2017
Cold Fusion 7
Spiders 3

[NOTE: As I was off eclipse chasing, tonight's Three Stars 
are brought to you by Kenny G.]

#3 Rest of the Team - Kenny G, Bic, Jeff, Drew, Steve, Alison, 
for working their tails off when shorthanded against the first 
place team.

#2 Matty - His first Spiders goal, his first Spiders 
penalty, and assists on his dad's goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Hard Hat - Matty

Pink Socks - None awarded.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Friday, July 28, 2017 - 20th Anniversary Game
Spiders       7
Dancing Bears 1

#3 Mini-Kenny G - Matthew plays a strong game in his first appearance 
in a Spiders uniform.  On our 20th anniversary, no less.

#2 B, Jeff, Charlie - Our other goal scorers.  I think.

#1 Canadian Matt - With the hat trick.

Hard Hat - Canadian Matt

Pink Socks - Hus


Quote of the Night
[BrYan has scheduled his vasectomy to coincide with our upcoming 
month long hiatus.]

Jeff - "If you decide you want any more kids, let me know."



Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Renegades 4
Spiders   1

#3 Sub Goalie Person Guy (Grant?) - Only gives up two (there 
was also an empty netter and a Kenny G own goal).

#2 Mark - Had our lone goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Hard Hat - Charlie

Pink Socks - Kenny G


Quote of the Night
[Jeff takes several spills throughout the game, and Mikey 
keeps telling him to get his skates sharpened.]

Mikey - "I think you can get your skates sharpened at the 
vending machine in the lobby."

Charlie - "They should have a midget in there."

Petey - "Wait for it..."

Charlie - "With a glory hole, too."



Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Spiders 8
Celts   6

#3 B, Matt - I know B had a goal, I think Matt did, too, but 
a strong game even if he didn't.

#2 Mikey - I had two, actually my first goals since turning 
50.

#1 Dave M - Punches in the hat trick.

Hard Hat - Dave M

Pink Socks - Not awarded.


Quote of the Night
[There were a couple of potentials contenders for the throne, but 
I don't think any were quite worthy.]


Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Big Dekes 4 OT/SO
Spiders   3

#3 Kenny G, Porn - The G-Man gets a pity star for his last game in his 40s.
Porn gets a star for showing up on a random summer Tuesday night to watch 
a team he hasn't played on in nearly a decade.

#2 Dave M, Charlie, Bic - Each with a goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Hard Hat - Kenny G

Pink Socks - ???


Quote of the Night
[A blast from the past, our former goaltender Porn shows up to cheer 
the team on to defeat, and picks up where he left off in the QOTN 
department.]

Porn - "You know what's great about taking a shower with an 11 year old? 
If you wet their hair and slick it back, it looks like they're 7."



Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Spiders      5
Net Crashers 5

[NOTE: UNLIKE IN USUAL CASES WHEN I'M ABSENT, THESE STARS ARE 
NOT AWARDED BY KENNY G, BUT THEY ARE AWARDED BASED UPON HIS 
ACCOUNTS AND DESCRIPTIONS OF THE GAME WITH THE EXPRESSED 
WRITTEN CONSENT OF THE COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE.]

#3 Jeff, BrYan - With a goal each, in regulation and 
the shootout respectively.

#2 Canadian Matt - Two goals.

#1 Kenny G - Two goals in regulation, plus another in 
the shootout.

Hard Hat - Alison

Pink Socks - Mark


Quote of the Night
Unidentified Spider - "How come BrYan can score in a shootout, but 
never during a game?"

Hus - "Because he is usually skating out there with a dick in his mouth."

Different Unidentified Spider - "Is it Rich's dick?"



Sunday, June 18, 2017
Cold Fusion   9
Spiders       0

#3 Our Fans - They gave a worthwhile performance.  
The rest of us?  Not so much so.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Hard Hat - Not awarded.

Pink Socks - Mark


Quote of the Night
Quote #1:

[At the pre-game picnic, water ballons begin 
flying.  Bic fires one at a little kid's face 
and the kid begins crying.]

Bic - "He threw one at me first and I had to teach 
him a lesson."


Quote #2:

[Hus jumps up and runs out of the locker room, 
we assume to throw up.]

Charlie - "You don't have to swallow EVERY load."

BrYan - "Actually, yes you do."



Spring 2017 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

12 - B
11 - Dave M
 5 - Adam
 4 - Kenny G
 4 - Bic
 2 - Jeff
 2 - Jason
 2 - BrYan 
 2 - Charlie
 2 - Mikey
 1 - Bruce
 1 - Hus
 1 - Nate
 1 - Frank
 1 - Mark


Playoffs
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Celts   9
Spiders 1

#3 Dave M - Scores our only goal and debuts a new Spiders FB 
page.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Quote #1:

[On Rob leaving the Spiders to coach his son's team.]

Charlie - "We're going to get you on Megan's Law list so 
you can't coach."

Quote #2:

Charlie - "Every time BrYan farts, I feel a little less human."

Quote #3:

[B has had his DNA analyzed.]

B - "I found out I'm 2% Jewish."

Mikey - "Which 2%?"

Dave M - "It was 4%, but he had 2% cut off."

B - "It's easy, you pay $80, they send you a kit in the 
mail, you spit in it, then send it back."

Mikey - "Spit?!  I've been jizzing in it."

Charlie - "Yeah, doesn't everybody just mail jizz to random people?"


Friday, May 26, 2017
Deplorables 3
Spiders     1

#3 Bruce, Hus - Good game on D for both.

#2 Bic, Dave - Bic with our only goal, Dave provides the debut 
of our new, 20th anniversary jerseys.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[BrYan is walking around naked, trying to find the key to the showers.]

B (covering his eyes) - "Good god, will somebody please find the damn key!"



Monday, May 22, 2017
Celts   8
Spiders 3

[As awarded by Kenny G in Mikey's absence.]

#3 Mark, Kenny G - B's cousin is back after a brief, decade long 
absence, for another tour of duty with the Spiders.  I wasn't there, 
but since Kenny G is claiming he had a goal, I'm going to go off the 
board and award him one myself.

#2 B - Figures in on all three tallies, with two goals and an assist.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[NOTE:  We have two tonight.]

Quote #1:

Adam [to Dave] - "You're going to jerk off all over our new 
jerseys before you give them to us, aren't you?"

Charlie - "Well, Mikey did say he wanted spider webs on them."

Quote #2:

BrYan [to Bruce] - "Have you ever had the Quote of the Night?"

Bruce - "No."


Tuesday, May 9, 2017
Big Dekes 4
Spiders   1

#3 B - Takes a rebound in front of the net.  Has breakfast, lunch, 
and dinner.  Gives the Big Dekes goalie more moves than Mae West. 
So much so that the guy doesn't know whether to cry or wind his watch.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[NOTE:  We have three tonight!]

Quote #1:

[On Kenny G's son joining the Spiders when he turns 18 
this summer."

BrYan - "I'm sure Matthew has given plenty of rimjobs."

Quote #2:

[On BrYan's profusive flatulance.]

Mikey - "You should really get yourself checked out."

BrYan - "I'm very regular, that's healthy."

Mikey - "There's a fine line between regular and constant."

Quote #3:

[On invoking a Major League reference in response to our 
long, ongoing losing streak, and Mikey doing his best Charlie 
impression.]

BrYan - "We need a Jobu in this locker room."

Mikey - "We already have a Jewbu."


Tuesday, May 2, 2017
Deplorables 8
Spiders     1

#3 Adam - Apparently Jeff's shot deflected in off of your ass, 
and he doesn't want to deny your ass, so you get tonight's 
third, and only star.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[NOTE:  We have two tonight.  I missed some of the names. 
Let me know who I missed, and I'll make changes.]

Quote #1:
Dave - "So next season we're playing in LOWER lower D, right?"

Mikey - "Is there an over-50 division?"

Dave - "You might have to add some of the guys you played with in 
high school to the roster bring the average team age up.  Which 
might be difficult, since so many of them died in the War."

Jason - "Yeah, the Civil War."

Quote #2:
[On Charlie and BrYan's absences.]

Dave - "I guarantee he's at home, in his flannel pajama bottoms, 
gut hanging out..."

Mikey - "Masturbating to gay porn."

??? - "Then what's BrYan's excuse?"

??? - "He's home masturbating to gay Jewish porn."

??? - "Which is the same as regular gay porn, but cheaper."

??? - "And Kosher."


Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Net Crashers 8
Spiders      3

#3 Nate, B - Nate gets a welcome back after following 
Umphrey's McGee on their exclusive three year tour of 
Europe, Scandinavia, and the Sub-continent.  B has 
a nice goal on a break that actually tied the score 
early on in what later turned out to be a lop-sided
loss.

#2 Adam - Pac-Man gets two, although one of them was 
essentially and own goal on the Net Crashers.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Quote of the Night
[NOTE:  Charlie had two or three good candidates, but apparently 
they crossed the line.  A line I never knew the Spiders had.]

[The Net Crashers have a large contingent of Jewish players.]

Charlie - "I hate that one fucking Jewvechkin guy."

BrYan - "You mean Oy Vechkin!"

Charlie - "Yeah, Abraham Oy Vechkin!"


Monday, April 17, 2017
Dancing Bears 6
Spiders       3

#3 Mikey - I get a #3 for being so old and not being dead yet. 
At least I had an assist.  And I think I was actualy going to 
get sent to the box for a penalty as time expired.

#2 Adam, Dave, B - Our three goal scorers on the evening.

#1 Kenny G - Gets a special #1 for organizing my 50th birthday 
recognition.  I should have no problem exchanging the gift cards 
for drugs and hookers, and the giant card will make a wonderful 
adornment to my coffin.


Quote of the Night
[On Mikey turning 50 at midnight.]

Charlie - "You should go out to center ice and jerk off, 
then save that load and freeze it and drink it when you 
turn 60."


Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Celts   4
Spiders 3

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a third for scoring what 
may very well be the last goal of my 40s, assuming I don't 
tally again on Monday.

#2 Bic - Our other two goals.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
We have two tonight.

Quote #1
[Jeff is sitting next to B and BrYan.]

Jeff (to B) - "Switch seats with me, I want to go skiing."

[Mimes jerking motion with his hands.]

Quote #2
[On losing a close game by one goal.]

B (I think) - "That really burns your ass."

Charlie - "So does anal rape."

Jeff - "And massive diarrhea."


Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Renegades 4
Spiders   2

#3 BrYan - Congrats on the new addition to your family.  Another 
future Spider now waiting in the wings.  I'll be dead by the 
time he's eligible to play, but it's yet another step toward 
making the Spiders multi-generational.

#2 B, Charlie - Our goal scorers for the evening.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[The Spiders are in the process of having 20th Anniversary 
jersyes designed.  Mikey gets voted down on having them 
feature spider web designs, and complains vociferously.]

Charlie - "We could all just jizz on you in the locker room 
before every game and it would look like spider webs."


Wednesday, March 29, 2017
Spiders    4 OT/SO
Big Deke's 3

#3 BrYan - Scores in the shootout, but does leave his pregnant 
wife at home, on the verge of going into labor.  But that's ok, 
I'm sure the real father was there for her.

#2 Jason, B - Jason scores in regulation.  B plays a strong 
game on D, but also notches a great shootout goal in which he skated 
so wide, we thought he was going leave the ice and head to the 
locker room.  You must have been tired after covering all 
that distance.

#1 Dave M - Punches in two to compliment the HT he had last game. 
B said Dave looked like "a young Steve Bichler out there."


Quote of the Night
[B decided tonight's quote.  During the shootout, one 
of the Big Deke's players scores, and all you hear 
from their bench is this loud voice shouting: ]

Random Deke's Player - "YES!!!!"


Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Spiders     5
Deplorables 2

#3 Frank - We'll give a welcome back star to Frank the Tank.

#2 B, Jeff - Our other two goal scorers.  Normally Jeff would have 
gotten the #1 for his fantastic shorty, but Dave M supplants that 
with his hat trick.  And by "fantastic shorty," I don't mean his 
penis.  Because that isn't fantastic at all.

#1 Dave M - Notches the hat trick.  Although that third one was 
kind of just rubbing it in as time wound down.  But on the plus 
side, it was the 2000th regular season goal in Spiders team history.


Quote of the Night
[Somehow the topic of Cleveland Steamers came up, and 
Charlie is trying to use his phone to find a definition.]

Charlie - "Siri, what's a Cleveland Steamer?"

B - "My favorite from Urban Dictionary is the Abe Lincoln. 
That's when you shave your pubes ahead of time, then you cum 
on your woman's face and throw the pubes in it so it looks 
like Lincoln's beard."

Mikey - "And if she complains, you just say 'But honey, it's 
President's Day!'"

B - "Yeah, don't you love America?!"



Fall 2016 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

14 - Jason
11 - B
 9 - Rob
 8 - Jeff
 8 - Steve
 7 - Dave M
 6 - BrYan
 5 - Mikey
 4 - Petey
 3 - Adam
 3 - Mark
 3 - Kenny G
 2 - Charlie
 2 - Bruce
 1 - Dave Hus
 1 - Nate
 1 - Sub Goalie Person Guy

Playoffs
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Dancing Bears 3
Spiders       1

#3 Sub Goalie Person Guy - With Rob out of town, Mr. Dude 
puts up a solid game.

#2 Jason - Our only goal of the evening.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[I would probably have given myself the quote, but was 
unofficially voted down.  Nothing else seemed worthy, 
hence, we don't have one tonight.]


Playoffs
Monday, February 13, 2017
Spiders      6
Net Crashers 3

#3 B - Pressed into service on D, performs admirably.

#2 BrYan, Jason - Our other goals.  Plus, BrYan does his 
best Hus impersonation, getting hurt, and inspiring a 
Quote of the Night in the process.

#1 Bic, Dave - Two goals each.  Bic with a laser under the 
crossbar while streaking down the wing.  So pretty, it made 
B cum on the bench.


Quote of the Night
We have two tonight:

Quote #1:
[BrYan is discussing his property taxes at great length 
and in great detail, Bic then proceeds to expel a 
fart in great length and in great detail.]

B - "I'd rather listen to that than BrYan discussing 
his taxes."

Charlie - "Yeah, they both sound like shit coming out of 
an asshole."

Quote #2:
[The Net Crashers have multiple female players.  BrYan takes a 
hit along the boards, hits the ice, and stays 
prone for several minutes, then proceeds to address the ref.]

BrYan - "What gives, that was massive elbow to my head!"

Ref - "Was it one from one of the girls?"



Thursday, January 26, 2017
Spiders   2 OT/SO
Renegades 1

-#3 Charlie - Skates in on the shootout, makes a move, fakes out 
the goaltender, has a wide open net, but he forgot one thing: 
the puck, which he left sitting about twenty feet back in the slot.

#3 Dave - Gets a star for getting injured.  He was long overdue. 
We almost had to pull out the chair again!

#2 Mikey - I still can't give myself a #1, but I did score 
with less than two minutes to tie the game and send us into OT. 
BrYan notches our only goal in the shootout with a sweet move, 
and that was all we needed.

#1 Rob - A fantastic performance in net, and a quote of the night.


Quote of the Night
We have three tonight!

Quote #1:
Rob - "What is it with you guys and dicks?"

Quote #2:
Charlie - "Everybody in this locker room needs Weight 
Watches.  Except Bic, but he has AIDS."

Quote #3:
[On winning most of our games this season after being 
down early.]
Mikey - "We should change our name to 'Team Doggy Style' 
since we always come from behind."


Thursday, January 12, 2017
Dancing Bears 4
Spiders       2

[NOTE: In my absence, tonights' Three Stars and Quote of the 
Night are brought to you by Kenny G.]

#3 Nate, Rob - Nate first game back in years, looks like he never 
left.  Rob for a great glove and keeping us in the game.

#2 Steve, Dave M - Our goal scorers tonight.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Quote of the Night
[No actual quote, just an action.]

Nate needing assistance with his chin strap from a ref during 
first period face off.  Although Charlie did say afterward 
that Nate did well, but if he didn't, we would have told him 
Karcz was better.


Friday, December 30, 2016
Spiders   3
Big Dekes 2

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a #3 again this week for 
the game winning goal late in the third, and assisting 
on Petey's piece of garbage.

#2 B, Rob, Jeff - Strong game from all three.  B 
patrols the blueline this evening.  Rob keeps us in the 
game with many big saves.  Makdaddy is a demon on D.

#1 Petey, Jason - Our other goal scorers.


Quote of the Night
[We had a few other contenders, but Charlie's was the best. 
Those who were there can fill in the blanks.  Those who weren't, 
your loss.]

Charlie - "Political correctness is getting so bad, you 
have to go to [CENSORED] just to [CENSORED]."



Monday, December 19, 2016
Spiders 4
Celts   3

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a #3 for scoring two goals on one 
shift.  Could have been a hat trick if I hadn't screwed up
on the two on one.

#2 Jason - Scores the game tying goal from a sharp angle.

#1 Jeff - Makdaddy was already getting a star just for finally 
getting his very own purple Spiders jersey, but then goes and 
scores the game-winner with 23 seconds left in the third.


Quote of the Night
We have two tonight...

Quote #1
[On the always bitchy ref who tonight called us for what, 
five penalties?  Six?]

Someone - "That ref hates us."

BrYan - "He hates everyone.  At least that's what his wife 
told me."

Mikey - "How could she talk with your dick in her mouth?"

Quote #2
BrYan - "It's not going to be a white Hanukkah this year."

Dave - "Why, is some guy not shooting a load in your face?"


Tuesday, December 6, 2016
Spiders      6
Net Crashers 2

3 Mikey - I had a decent goal myself, and setup a few others,
so I'll give myself a charity three.

#2 B, Charlie - B has a slow-mo goal all alone in front of the 
net, Charlie scores and doesn't even know it until everyone 
starts congratulating him.

#1 Jason, Mark, Kenny G - Jason knocks in two, Mark returns to sub in 
goal and pitches a two hitter, and Kenny G scores a goal that made 
it look like he actually knows what he's doing out there during 
his rare forays into the offensive zone.

Quote of the Night
Mikey - "Why was South Park hockey canceled tonight?"

Mark - "When it rains like it did today, the ice is 
the consistency of sandpaper."

Charlie - "Yeah, it's like skating on Seal's face."



Sunday, November 27, 2016
Renegades 5
Spiders   2

[NOTE: In my absence, tonight's Three Stars and Quote 
of the Night are brought to you by Kenny G, the number 3 
and the letters B and Q.]

#3 Petey - "For working his butt off."  (I'm just going to 
assume that's a gay sex thing.)

#2 Bruce - Scores his first goal as a Spider.  While 
playing right wing, a departure from his normal blueline 
duties.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Quote of the Night
[Mikey is absent from the game due to the opening of 
deer season tomorrow morning.]

Kenny G - "Someone get Mikey an Omaha Steaks card so he 
doesn't have to sit in the woods for his food."

Jeff - "Does he have a clown mask on while he's doing it?"

Adam - "No, that's just his face."



Monday, November 14, 2016
Net Crashers 5 OT/SO
Spiders      4

#3 Charlie, Adam, B? - I think you guys were our 
other goal scorers.  Correct me if I'm wrong.

#2 Jeff - Strong game on D, plus the goal that sent the 
game into OT.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[The Spiders are about to go on a power play, down by one, late 
in the third.]

Richie - "Let's put our five best guys out there."

Charlie - "I can't be out there five times."


Friday, November 11, 2016
Dancing Bears 3
Spiders       0

[NOTE: Kenny G is officially fired from awarding Three 
Stars and Quotes of the Night in my absence.  Now 
accepting applications.  Interested candidates 
should submit a resume, cover letter, and nude 
photo.  You too, ladies.]

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Quote of the Night
[None submitted.]



Sunday, October 30, 2016
Spiders   5
Big Dekes 1

#3 Jeff, Rob - Jeff with a strong game on D, Rob with 
another typical stellar performance in net.

#2 B, Dave, Jason - Our other goal scorers

#1 Steve - Bic with two goals and an assist.

Quote of the Night
[I know this one is lame, but we can't go two straight 
games without a QOTN.]

Jeff - "You look on fire out there tonight.  Did you just 
get laid or something?"

Mikey - "Well, do dudes count?"



Monday, October 17, 2016
Spiders 4 OT/SO
Celts   3

#3 Rob - Played strong and kept us in the game

#2 BrYan, Adam - BrYan has one of our goals on a 
nice rush up ice.  And a goal in the shootout.  
I think Adam had our other regulation
goal, but in any case, I'm sure he did a helluva job.

#1 B - A goal and an outstanding game all around.

Quote of the Night
[We had a number of pretenders to the throne, but 
honestly, I don't think any were worthy of enshrinement 
in the Quote of the Night Archives, although I am willing 
to be convinced otherwise if anyone wants to offer 
nominations.]



Thursday, October 6, 2016
PPD due to bad ice.

#3 Rob - For getting bored and sitting on top of the goal while 
ice repairs were ongoing.  Maybe you should try playing that way, 
it takes away the top shelf!

#2 No #2 star awarded in non-game.

#1 No #1 star awarded in non-game.

Quote of the Night
[A centipede has escaped in the locker room and 
is running free.]

B - "The only thing that could make this night worse 
for me would be if that thousand legger crawled up 
my dickhole."

Jeff - "Wouldn't that make your night better?"




Summer 2016 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

13 - Steve
11 - BrYan
10 - Kenny G
10 - B
 8 - Dave
 8 - Frank
 7 - Jason
 6 - Rob
 5 - Jim
 4 - Jeff
 3 - Charlie
 2 - Mikey
 1 - Bic's Goalie
 1 - Adam
 1 - Bruce
 1 - Brandon
 1 - Rent A Guy
-1 - Petey


Playoffs
Thursday, September 20, 2016
Net Crashers 4
Spiders      3 

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 Jason, Bic, ?Jim? - I know the first two had goals, not 
entirely sure Jim had the third.  Someone correct me if I'm 
wrong.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Quote of the Night
Quote 1:

[On Petey missing tonight's game due to "coaching soccer."]

Charlie - "They better check those kids' turds for DNA, there's 
probably more in there than there is in a hooker's underwear."

Quote 2:

[After someone commented that "there's always next season."]

B - "Our window of opportunity is closing."

Mikey - "Yeah, except we're so old we're not going to retire, 
we're going to die."



Thursday, September 8, 2016
Spiders       4
Dancing Bears 1

#3 Bic, Kenny G - Bic with the peanut butter goal in front, 
Kenny G with a strong game in general, aging like fine wine.

#2 BrYan - Oh, sure, he took the puck, staked in around three 
defensemen, gave the goalie more moves than Mae West, faked 
him out of his jockstrap, and scored into an empty net, but 
*I* did all the hard work by passing it to him in the first place.

#1 B - Two goals, and this week neither of them bounced in off 
of my skate/leg/glove/dick.

Quote of the Night
Charlie - "My six year old daugther plays dekhockey, and 
she's always bragging how she scores at least once a game
and asking me why I don't.  I just tell her fuck you!"

Dave - "And that you're not even her real father!"

BrYan - "Yeah, she's adopted."


Saturday, August 27, 2016
Spiders   4 OT/SO
Big Dekes 3

#3 Mikey - Game winner in the shootout, plus one in 
regulation. More on that below.

#2 Frank, Bic's Goalie - Frank with a goal and a nice 
game on D in general. Our sub goalie also plays well and 
preserves the win in OT.

#1 BrYan, B - These guys get top billing for bringing 
along their kids, giving us our biggest crowd of the 
season. They even made and brought signs to wave! And both 
their dads had goals. Outstanding. P.S. B's goal actually 
bounced in off of my shin pads, but in the interests of 
allowing him to remain god-like in his children's eyes, 
I'll let him take credit. 

Quote of the Night
Quote #1:
[BrYan scores in the shootout.]

Dave - "He looked like Kris Letang out there!"

Petey - "Only fatter and circumcised."

Quote #2:
[BrYan has brought his son into the locker room 
after the game. He proceeds to chatter incessantly.]

Richie - "You can tell that's BrYan's kid."


Thursday, August 18, 2016
Renegades 2
Spiders   1

-#3 Petey - For missing the game because he was 
"too tired" and stayed home playing video games 
instead.  Petey, if you can provide visual evidence 
that you were engaged in some other legitimate, 
important activity, like, say, gay sex, I will 
rescind your negative star.

#3 Jason - Scores our only goal.

#2 Rob - Great game in goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Quote #1:
[There's a long delay while the refs attempt to fix a hole 
in the ice.  Once play finally resumes and the puck is 
dropped...]

Kenny G - "C'mon, shift it up, you've been out there for 
ten minutes!"

Quote #2:
B - "When I had my appendix out, I had to get a rectal exam, 
and I was making all kinds of jokes, quoting the movie Fletch,
but as soon as it started, I quit laughing.  I had no idea how 
much it would hurt."

Mikey - "So the first thing you did when you got home was 
apologize to your wife?"


Saturday, August 6, 2016
Spiders 5
Celts   2

#3 Steve - Ok, he had two, but the second was with five seconds 
left.  The Russian and East German judges each deduct a point 
for that.

#2 BrYan, Frank - Our other two goals.

#1 Jeff - Plays like a man possessed.  Scores an amazing goal, tough on 
D all night, wore a (semi) matching jersey.  Almost as if he was 
auditioning for a full time slot on the roster.


Quote of the Night
Quote #1:
[There's a furious pounding on the locked shower room door, (which 
turned out to be Red, whose team was playing next), and Jeff 
is racing around to try and find the key to unlock it.]

B - "You do realize that's a dude trying hard to get into 
our locker room, don't you?"

Quote #2:
[Almost everyone has left the locker room after the game, 
leaving only Mikey, Kenny G, B, Petey, and BrYan.]

B - "We can all start fucking each other now. The new 
guys think we're kidding with all the gay and dick 
jokes."


Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Spiders      5
Net Crashers 4

#3 Mikey, Brandon, Bruce - I'll give myself a pity #3 for 
scoring two goals on one shift.  Brandon subs for us after 
playing against us last week, and provides copious comic 
relief, including joining in on the wafting strains of 
karaoke emanating from the bar.  "Don't stop believin'!"  Bruce
is turning into Adam with his second penalty in as many games, 
including a four hour misconduct penalty.  He practically moved 
into the box.  At onepoint he was picking out paint chips and 
carpet samples.

#2 Steve - One of our goals.  No witty repartee to add.

#1 B, Kenny G - B has one goal himself, and sets me up on a 
beauty of a pass.  Kenny G scores on the penalty kill, earning the 
nickname "Mr. Shorty."  Which, incidentially, is his wife's nickname 
for him, too.


Quote of the Night
[After repeatedly knocking down one of the Net Crashers.]

Brandon - "He started coming at me with the Eye of the Jew!"

BrYan - "Jesus Christ!"

Everyone in Unison - "Not really!"

Brandon - "Yeah, it should be 'Allahu Akbar, ay yi yi yi yi!"

Mikey - "Now you've offended everyone in the room who's Muslim."

Brandon - "That's ok, my wife is Muslim.  One of the good ones, she 
doesn't have a fuse."

Charlie - "She's waiting for it to come in the mail from Amazon ISIS."


Sunday, July 24, 2016
Spiders       5 OT/SO
Dancing Bears 4

#3 BrYan, Adam, Jason - Our other regulation goal scorers, 
IIRC.

#2 Steve - Notches the only tally of the shootout to give 
the Spiders the win.

#1 Dave - Yes, he gave up four goals in regulation, but he 
stopped all three in the shootout to seal the win. He may 
not be our regular goalie, but he didn't look out of place. 
In fact, he kind of reminded us of Darren Pang.  Which is 
appropriate, as he may in fact be Darren Pang's love child.

Quote of the Night
Mikey - "At least my prostate exam this week was done 
by a woman."

Steve - "Is the prostate exam the one where they use a 
finger or a camera?"

Mikey - "She used her finger(s), unless she pulled out 
her iphone to take a picture when I wasn't looking."

Kenny G - "Selfie time!"


Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Spiders   3
Big Dekes 0

#3 Dave - Gets a star for his performance on the penalty kill.

#2 Kenny G, Frank - Kenny G is on a goal scoring tear this 
season, Frank blossoming into our newest defensive stalwart.

#1 Rob, Steve - Rob pitches a shutout, Steve with a Lemieux-like 
wraparound goal.

Quote of the Night
Dave - "Whoever gets the quote of the night tonight has to 
give proper credit for it to Melania Trump."



Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Spiders   4
Renegades 3

[NOTE: In my absence, tonight's Three Stars are brought to 
you courtesy of Kenny G.]

#3 Jeff - Finally making his debut in Spiders purple!

#2 Dave, Charlie - Our other two goals. Dave also made 
a great pass to setup the game winner.

#1 Jim - Two goals including the game winner, and effortless
rushes up ice.

Quote of the Night
[Also courtesy of the G Man.  In fact, it's a self quote.]

Kenny G - "I'm minutes away from turning 49, so I can't remember 
any good ones so I'll include my own. I watched game six of the 
Stanley Cup Final the other day on NHL Network and the Pens won again.  
Good night everyone."


Tuesday, July 5, 2016
Spiders 7
Celts   4

#3 B - Had the easiest/slowest tap in of all time, but gets a star 
for not fucking it up, which Spiders in these situations most 
often do. And no, I'm not giving myself a star for an empty net 
goal with two seconds left, even if it was a nice goal, as 
empty net goals go.

#2 Jason, Frank - Self-explanatory.

#1 BrYan, Kenny G - Two amazing goals from our normal D who 
decided to play forward tonight. Srsly, how the hell did you 
guys pull so much out of your asses? Don't answer that. BrYan 
actually had a second goal in addition to his breakaway. 

Quote of the Night
[We almost didn't have one tonight, there were only seconds left 
in the locker room after the game...]

BrYan - "I'm going to go home now and abuse my toilet."

B - "Is that what you call it when you masturbate?"


Sunday, June 26, 2016
Spiders      5 OT/SO
Net Crashers 5

[NOTE: Tonight's stars are brought to you by Kenny G.] 

#3 Rob, Charlie, Jason, Kenny G, Rent A Guy - For skating 
our butts off with only one sub.

#2 Dave and Stevie - With two goals.

#1 No #1 star awarded in tie. 


Quote of the Night
Steve - "Hey look, it's my wife's thong in my jockstrap."

Rest of the Room (in unison) - "Sure, your 'WIFE'S' thong!"




Spring 2016 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

10 - Steve
8 - Jason
7 - Rob
6 - Charlie
6 - B
5 - Dave M
4 - Adam
4 - Petey
4 - Mikey
3 - BrYan
3 - Kenny G
3 - Phil Kessel
2 - Dave O
1 - Jeff


Playoffs
Renegades 7
Spiders   1

#3 Steve B - "Bic" scores our lone goal of the evening.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
[On us being down big in the third.]

Mikey - "Our big problem is Petey."

Petey - "That's what all the girls say." [Immediately followed 
by] "What? You're not going to say all the dudes?"

Mikey - "You didn't give me a chance!  It was on the tip of 
my tongue!"

Adam - "Just like all the dudes."


Playoffs
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Spiders   4 OT/SO
Big Dekes 3

#3 Mikey, B - Jason wanted me to give myself the #1 star for 
scoring the GWG in the shootout, but I'll content myself with 
a self-awarded #3. B steps up (back?) and turns in a good 
game on defense.

#2 Dave M - Scores one of our regulation goals.

#1 Steve B - Has our other two goals. 


Quote of the Night
[On Richie raising racehorses.]

Charlie - "He breeds them with his own semen."

B - "Then they must be really slow."


Thursday, June 16, 2016
Spiders 6
Celts   5

[NOTE: Even though this was I guess technically a "play in" 
game, it is the 200th all time regular season win in 
Spiders franchise history.  It only took us 19 years!]

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a third star for scoring twice.

#2 Rob, Adam - Rob makes some big saves in goal, Adam pounds in 
the GWG with 20 seconds left in the third.

#1 Steve B - A hat trick for sure, he claims several assists, 
I think he also cured cancer and reconciled relativity with 
quantum mechanics. 


Quote of the Night
Petey - "How's your mail order bride?"

Mikey - "MAIL order or MALE order?"

Petey - "Both ways, just how you like it."
 

Sunday, June 12, 2016
Disco Dan's Disciples 4
Spiders               2

#3 Whoever had our first goal - I can't remember this shit.

#2 Dave - Our other goal, in his last game before embarking on a 
season long hiatus to explore whether or not a gay lifestyle is 
right for him.

#1 Phil Kessel - Since he got robbed of the Conn Smythe tonight, 
the least we can do is give him the #1 Spiders star of the evening. 


Quote of the Night
[Kenny G's son has gone to the viewing party at the Consol Center.]

Mikey - "So what about your wife? Is she watching the game at home?"

Petey - "No, she's busy with a big black guy."


Sunday, June 5, 2016
Spiders       2 OT/SO
Dancing Bears 2

#3 With two #1's, we have no third star this evening.

#2 Jason - Playing D tonight and still manages to knock one in.

#1 Steve, Kenny G - Steve with the shortie to tie it up, when 
we were down by two no less. Kenny G showing moves in the shoot 
out the likes I've which I've never seen in 30 years of being 
his teammate. 


Quote of the Night
Quote #1:
[B is probably right, this one is anti-climactic after the 
buildup it was given.]

Dave - "Petey was complaining about the rink raising it's league 
fees, and I told him he lives at home with our parents, why is 
he worried about money?"

Mikey - "He's not living with his homosexual lover yet?"

Dave - "Not yet."

Mikey - "Well, I guess you have to fuck each other in the ass for 
at least a couple of years before deciding if it's right for you."

Dave - "If you've chosen that lifestyle, I think it's safe to say 
it's right for you."

Quote #2:
[Kenny G is yelling instructions to Dave from the bench.]

Kenny G - "You've got three guys coming hard!"

Mikey - "Another typical Sunday night for Dave."


Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Net Crashers 3
Spiders      1

#3 Adam - Does his best Phil Kessel imitation and knocks one out 
of mid-air.  The good Phil Kessel, that is, and into the 
other team's net.  Not the bad Phil Kessel and into his 
own net.

#2 No #2 star awarded in one of our more shittier games 
of recent memory.  And that includes some of the games 
at Ice Castle when we lost by two touchdowns.

#1 No #1 star awarded in shitty loss.


Quote of the Night
B and Dave are discussing the Asian girl on the Net Crashers.]

Dave - "That Asian chick was tough.  Once she got ahold of it, she 
wouldn't let it go."

B - "Yeah, I was bearing down on her hard, and she just wouldn't 
give it up."

Kenny G - "Is anyone else getting turned on?"



Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Spiders    4
Big Deke's 3

#3 BrYan - Another patented laser from the point.  Petey called it 
from the bench, albeit it in a mocking, disparaging manner.  You might 
have gotten higher than a #3 for it, but we don't want to stroke your ego 
too much.  And by "ego" I mean... 

#2 Also a goal, but you rank higher than BrYan because we enjoy 
stroking your ego.  Your big, hard, throbbing ego.

#1 B, Jason - Our other two goals.


Quote of the Night
[The locker room has cleared out and there's nobody left but all the 
original Spiders and one new guy, Steve B.]

BrYan - "Ok, initiation time!  Turn around, bend over, and we're going 
to play a game called Is This A Cock?"


Sunday, May 22, 2016
Renegades 5
Spiders   3

#3 Jeff - Unaware of the Southpointe rule requiring all players 
to wear matching thong underwear, Jeff tries to make his first 
appearance of the season, only to be sent packing by the refs 
before the opening faceoff.

#2 Charlie - An amazing one-timer on a rush where he showed 
uncommon acceleration.

#1 Petey - I don't normally give #1 stars in losses, but this 
goal was one for the ages. You should get the #1 star of the 
season for this one play alone. Well played, Petey, well played. 


Quote of the Night
[BrYan informs us that his wheelchair-bound friend Rob is 
attending tonight's game.]

Charlie - "If the game gets out of hand, we should throw his 
wheelchair on the ice. We could use his death as inspiration 
like Tampa Bay did when Martin St. Louis' mother died." 


Monday, May 16, 2016
Spiders 8
Celts   4

#3 Adam, Jason, Mikey - Adam with some kind of prone on the ice 
windmill thing going on, that and high sticking a puck when we 
were trying to kill a penalty, although it actually worked out 
pretty well for us killing time to get lined up on the subsequent	 
faceoff.  Jason, give the cap a star for a good game.  Kenny G
made me give myself a third star for yet another patented slow-mo 
goal.  You don't want to be in front of that laser when it turns on.

#2 Charlie - A diving play and a goal, even if he refuses to wear 
his rainbow pride gloves.

#1 B, Dave M. - Two goals apiece, plus, B was the birthday boy! 
You don't look a day over dead.


Quote of the Night
Kenny G - "They say babies are just like drunk people, they stumble around, 
they make up words, they wet themselves..."

Mikey - "They have anonymous sex in bathrooms."


Monday, May 2 2016
Disco Dan's Disciples 3
Spiders               2

[ED. NOTE: In Mikey's absence, no one stepped in to provide 
stars or quotes. And by "no one" I mean "Kenny G." Do I have 
to do everything by myself? This is why we can't have nice things.]

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
None submitted.


Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Disco Dan's Disciples 2 OT/SO
Spiders               1

#3 Petey - Scores our only goal during regulation. Off 
of an assist from yours truly. According to statistics 
I just made up, you are now only 42.8% dead to me, Petey.

#2 Rob - Another fantastic game in goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
Quote #1:
Charlie - "Is your beard hair actually turning white, or 
is there semen in it?"

Mikey - "Both!"

Charlie - "Your own semen, or someone else's?"

Mikey - "Both!"

Quote #2:
Richie - "So BrYan, are you still running your hockey pool, 
or did you sell that, too?"


Tuesday, April 11, 2016
Renegades 4
Spiders   3

#3 Mikey, Rob, Charlie - I'll give myself a pity star. Turned 49 
on Monday, scored a goal on Tuesday. And by all accounts I 
actually scored a second time to tie it up, but the ref didn't 
see it. Rob, another good game in a losing effort. Charlie 
ushers in the Grapes of Wrath Era of Spiders hockey with purple 
jerseys.

#2 BrYan, Jason - Our other goal scorers. BrYan gets credit for 
the first goal of our comeback, and the first goal ever in our 
purple jerseys.  

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
Quote #1:
[BrYan *claims* he was referring to his hockey playoff *pool*, 
but we ain't buyin' it.]

BrYan - "Petey, how come you didn't do my pole this year?"

Quote #2:
[Charlie, on how he had our new logos designed.]

Charlie - "I just told them put blood on the letters and 
don't make the spider look like a pussy spider."



Monday, April 11, 2016
Big Deke's 2
Spiders    0 

#3 Charlie - on D in a pinch.

#2 Rob - great game in goal, could easily have been 6-0.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
[NOTE: The fact that we hadn't played in years was made obvious 
by the lack of memorable quotes. We just need to shake off the rust, 
we'll be back to insulting and offending in form by mid-season I'm 
sure. That being said, we have two tonight.]

Quote #1:
Petey - "That shot hit me right in the big toe.

Mikey - "It could have been worse, it could have hit your penis."

Petey - "No, that's a much smaller target."

Mikey - "Which is why you often often hear women asking 'Why are you 
using your toe?!'"

Petey - "Exactly."

Mikey - "So anal toe sex?"

Petey - "That's the name of my band."

Quote #2:
[Dave is way out past the blue line when someone on our bench 
yells "Shoot it!" So Dave attempts a weak backhand shot.]

Petey - "Don't say things like that! He'll do whatever you tell him."

Mikey - "Which is why he keeps waking up in bed with dudes."




Special South Park Winter 2016 Three Star Awards

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

In commemoration of tonight's South Park outdoor pickup hockey, 
which featured the largest gathering of Spiders in one place 
in over two years, ladies and gentlemen, here are tonight's 7 Stars:

#7 Mikey - takes a nice pass from BrYan to light the lamp, or at least 
the Xmas lights on the telephone pole behind the net.

#6 BrYan - sets up Mikey. Twice, actually, but Mikey blows the breakaway.

#5 Kenny G - [INSERT WONDERFUL THING KENNY G DOES HERE]

#4 Jeff - first appearance since the 8th grade picnic.

#3 Dave - first appearance since the 6th grade picnic.

#2 B - still working the magic with his wand. And by "wand" I mean...

#1 Charlie - for berating the two guys who showed up early for the session 
after us and tried to sneak on the ice. "Get off the ice!" "You didn't 
pay me!" "Go sit in the corner!" 


Quote of the Night
Jeff - "It's so cold out here, I can't feel my face."

Mikey - "Would you like me to feel it for you?"

Charlie - "Yeah, with your penis." 




Winter 2014 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

7 - Mark
5 - Tim
5 - Dave
4 - B
4 - Adam
4 - Squil
4 - Jeff
4 - Mikey
3 - Petey
2 - Brett
1 - Nate
1 - BrYan
1 - Kenny G
1 - Rich
1 - Charlie


Sunday, March 23, 2014
Killer B's 18
Spiders     3 

#3 Mark - gave up 18 goals, but probably still had a 
save percentage over .900

#2 Dave, Tim - Dave nets potentially the last goal ever 
by a long tenured Spider, Tim has two, including 
potentially the very last Spider goal ever.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[Petey, commenting upon how he got screwed over by 
people always paying late when he was running the team.]

Petey - "I put it on my credit card, but there's this 
thing called interest rate..."
Mikey - "Well, if you wouldn't charge all that gay 
porn to the same account."
Petey - "I like to keep all gay activies grouped 
together."



Sunday, March 16, 2014
Spiders 5     
Chiefs  4

#3 Jeff, BrYan - we'll give them stars for being the only 
Spiders on a bench full of Red-affiliated replacements.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Sunday, March 9, 2014
Stingers W by FF 
Spiders 

#3 Petey, Dave - Pete shows up late, Dave gets thrown out 
early.  So points for partial effort.

#2 Jeff, Mikey, Squil, Mark - for showing up and playing 
the whole game.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[We have no idea what the context was, but as a non-sequitur, 
it sounded good.]

Squil - "I didn't want to, but Dave talked me into it, and now I'm sore."



Sunday, March 2, 2014
Rocky II 11
Spiders   0

#3 Kenny G, Rich, Nate, Mark, Jeff, Adam, Mikey - 
for those of us who braved the weather, only to 
get our asses kicked.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.   



Quote of the Night
[On comparing the USA women's hockey team outshooting 
Sweden 70-9 in the recently concluded Sochi Winter 
Olympics to how the Spiders played today.]

Rich - "I feel like a Swedish woman.  Which is probably 
dangerous in this locker room."
Mikey - "Actually, this locker room is probably the 
safest place to be.  Now if you were a Swedish man..."



Sunday, February 23, 2014     
Chiefs  7
Spiders 2

#3 Mark - strong game in net, 
surrendering 7 goals notwithstanding.

#2 Brett - goal and an assist.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Quote of the Night
[NOTE: Tonight's quote pertains 
to the Sochi Olympics.  It doesn't 
translate well in print, you had to 
be there.]

Jeff - "I'm going to adopt some stray 
Castle Shannon dogs on the way home."



Sunday, February 2, 2014     
Killer B's 9
Spiders    1

#3 Charlie - Shot in the leg by the sniper.  Sounds better than 
saying he tripped over the blue line.

#2 Dave - With the lone goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Sunday, January 12, 2014
Muffin Farmers 8
Spiders        2

#3 B - Gets a star for answering the goal we gave up in the 
first ten seconds of the game with a beauty of his own less 
than a minute later.

-#3 B - Loses it for later putting the puck in our own net.

#2 Mark - Scoreboard may not indicate it, but a helluva game 
in goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[We have two tonight.]

#1:
[B, on offering to play defense.]

B - "I'll take one of you guys in back."

#2:
[Petey, on the appearance of one of the Muffin Farmers.]

Petey - "Does that guy's haircut come in hetero?"




Sunday, December 29, 2013
Stingers 13
Spiders   1    

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[We have two tonight.]

#1:
BrYan - "They'll break hockey sticks in half and stab you in the heart."
Richie - "Do Jews have hearts?"

#2:
[Charlie comes off the ice, exhausted after an extended shift.]

Charlie - "That was way too long for my ass."
Mikey - "If he had a dime for every time he uttered that phrase..."



Sunday, December 15, 2013     
Rocky II 14
Spiders   1

#3 B - Kenny G awards a star to B for his one period switch 
back to D, allowing Kenny to skate at left wing.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[Squil knocks over a bunch of sticks walking into the 
locker room after the game and goes to pick them up.]

Squil - "Sure, make the old man bend over."
Mikey - "If he had a dime for everytime he heard 
that phrase..."




Sunday, November 17, 2013
Muffin Farmers 12
Spiders         4

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a measly third star for 
scoring our first goal ever at a rink other than 
Southpointe.

#2 Petey, Squil - Petey gets one for his triumphant 
return to the ice after a year layoff due to .  Squil's layoff is even longer, but we're 
sure it was due to less scandalous reasons.

#1 B, Adam, ?Tim? - Without B's efforts, the Spiders 
might have been done.  Adam has one of our goals.  
New Guy, I believe there are those who call him...Tim, 
has the other two.


Quote of the Night
Charlie - "Does anybody have a Swiss army knife?
B - "You'd probably have more luck asking if anyone has 
a huge black dildo with a blade attached."







Spring 2013 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

5 - B
5 - Kenny G
5 - Charlie
4 - Tom Petty
3 - Keith
3 - Ron
3 - Mark
2 - Jeff
2 - Mikey
2 - Black Guy
1 - Adam
1 - Stevie
1 - Dave


Monday, June 10, 2013
Spiders        3
Maximum Damage 2

#3 Dave - we'll give him a measly third star for putting in his 
singular guest appearance for the season.

#2 Charlie - he wasn't actually in attendance, but he gets kudos 
for taking over the team, living through some lean times with 
forfeits and short benches, and getting suspended for his efforts.

#1 Tom Petty (Sarge), B - Sarge just running around like a mad man, where 
does he get the energy?  B scores, then does his best Red imitation 
talking trash with the goalie.


Quote of the Night
[We have two this evening.]

#1:
Richie - "I'm a little suspicious, Charlie was at my house 
and now my horse is pregnant."
Adam - "Don't worry, Charlie only fucks the male horses."

#2:
B - "I was walking on the South Side when a guy in a car 
started leaning on his horn trying to get my attention.  I 
didn't recognize it was Ted until he waved at me."



Saturday, June 1, 2013
Dancing Bears 7
Spiders       3

#3 B, Kenny G, Stevie, Mikey - we're old and we all deserve stars 
for playing all 60 (55?  What was up with the first period being 
only 15 minutes?) minutes and not dying of heart attacks.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Average Joes 8
Spiders      4

#3 B - with a nice goal.

#2 Kenny G - first goal since the 8th grade picnic.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None deemed worthy.



Sunday, May 12, 2013
Puckheads W by FF
Spiders   

#3 Goalie - played a great game against the first place team.

#2 Black Guy - the Spiders break the racial barrier and fulfill 
one of Charlie's biggest fantasies.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Colton (league rep) - "I need to see your IDs."



Thursday, May 2, 2013
Average Joes 7
Spiders      5

#3 Tom Petty - the guy who looks like Tom Petty 
played a great game.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
B - "Porn is running a nursery called 'Our 
Little Secret Daycare.'"



Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Team Lantz W by FF
Spiders     

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Monday, April 8, 2013
Direct Energy 4 OT
Spiders       3

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Hawks   6
Spiders 4  
 
#3 Adam - Scores a goal with his hand.  Or his dick.  
Or both, considering the two are inseparable.

#2 Kenny G - His first goal since the 8th grade picnic.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Tuesday, March 19, 2013    
Washington Auto Mall 9
Spiders              3

#3 ??? - I forget who had our other goals.

#2 Jeff - Has to get a star everytime he scores a goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
B - "So when are you going to install the ice rink at your house, Richie?"
Rich - "As soon as I hit the powerball."
B - "You mean when you hit the powerball AGAIN?"



Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Spiders      6
Knuckleheads 3

#3 Mikey - One of the slowest goals ever scored, even slower 
than Charlie's.

#2 Mark - n00b goalie plays solid in his first Spiders effort.

#1 Charlie, Keith, Ron - Charlie leads us to victory in his 
first game as captain, and has a slow motion goal, n00bs Keith 
and Ron each have one, two, something-something goals.


Quote of the Night
[Upon looking around during warmpus at all the new, unfamiliar 
faces on the Spiders.]

Jeff - "I think we should change the team name to 
Charlie's Angels."

Mikey - "Did you say 'Charlie's Angels' or 
'Charlie's Anals?'







Fall 2012 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

11 - B 
 7 - Charlie
 5 - Nate
 3 - Kenny G
 3 - Jeff
 3 - Petey
 2 - Mark
 2 - GoalieLou
 1 - Stevie
 1 - Richie
 1 - Adam
 1 - Ted
 1 - GoalieAdam


Monday, February 4, 2013
5 Holes 15
Spiders  4

#3 B, Stevie - each netting one.

#2 ??? - who was that who had two?

#1 Charlie, Petey - we usually don't give out #1 stars in 
losses, but kudos for Charlie for agreeing to take over 
management of the team, and thanks be to St. Petey for his 
years of semi-dedicated, half-assed captaincy.  


Quote of the Night
[We have two tonight.]

#1:
[The topic of Dave banging married women is being discussed, 
Dave is expounding upon the merits of such arrangements.]

Dave - "It's great, she shows up, buys the beer and food."
Jeff - "All you have to provide is the house and the strap on."

#2:
[After the 5 Holes score about their eleventh or twelfth 
goal to go up by a touchdown or so.]

Kenny G- "Da-da daht, da-da dhat!" (The organ music theme 
from Slap Shot each time the Chiefs got scored upon.)




Sunday, January 20, 2013
Average Joes 6
Spiders      4

#3 Richie, Adam - were it not for their efforts 
to recruit players, including a goaltender, we'd 
have had to forfeit. Although I'm not sure signing 
up a goaltender who normally plays for the 
opposing team was a good idea.  A few of 
those goals were, how shall we say, "suspect?"

#2 B - with the hat trick.  We'll start calling him 
"Red Jr."

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss


Quote of the Night
Richie - "If you want me to score tonight, you'll have to put 
it in for me."



Friday, January 4, 2013
Direct Energy 4
Spiders       3

#3 B - notches one.

#2 Mark - tallies two in his triumphant return.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Sunday, December 16, 2012
Hawks   6
Spiders 2

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 Nate 

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Friday, November 30, 2012
The Fellowship 8
Spiders        5

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Spiders       3
Dancing Bears 2

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Monday, October 29, 2012
Maximum Damage W by FF
Spiders

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
[Takes place during the play don't/play discussion on email.  
Once it's been decided to FF...]

Rich - "I had a hat trick in me."
Mikey - "'Hat Trick' was BrYan's nickname in college."




Monday, October 15, 2012
Spiders 4
5 Holes 0

#3 Ted - just thought he played a strong game.  For him.  
In what will probably be his only appearance of the season, 
given his 7 o'clock bedtime every night.

#2 GoalieLou - would have had higher props for a shutout, 
but we actually played some defense in front of him.

#1 Charlie, B, Nate - scoring three of our goals.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Spiders      4
Average Joes 0

#3 GoalieAdam - tosses a shutout.

#2 B - also has a two game scoring streak.

#1 Jeff, Kenny G - Jeff is working on a scoring streak 
and he gets the quote of the night.  Kenny G with his 
first goal since the 8th grade picnic.  And a beauty at 
that.  Setup by me.


Quote of the Night
Jeff - "Some people use mesquite to smoke their meat, 
other use Jews."



Friday, September 14, 2012
Direct Energy 6
Spiders       5

#3 Charlie - an amazing goal.  How de do dat?

#2 B - with the hat trick.  At least it didn't take 
us almost three complete games to score our first goal 
of the season like it did last time.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Charlie - "I haven't talked to BrYan since he nested 
his little jewling."







Summer 2012 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

 8 - Nate
 7 - Kenny G
 6 - Porn
 5 - Dave
 5 - Mikey
 4 - Adam
 4 - Petey
 4 - B
 2 - Stevie
 2 - Karcz
 2 - Charlie
 2 - Ted
 1 - Neil
 1 - Derrick
 1 - Jeff	


Monday, august 20, 2012
League of Extrodinary Gentlemen 6
Spiders                         3

#3 B - plays a strong game, claims he 
didn't have a goal, although I could have 
sworn he did.

#2 Adam, Dave, Ted - our goal scorers, IIRC.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Saturday, August 11, 2012
Officer Dryer Blue Coats  W by FF
Spiders

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Monday, August 6, 2012
PSO     6
Spiders 1

#3 Mikey - I had our only goal on a nice setup.

#2 Nate, Karcz, Kenny G - strong games from all three in 
a losing effort.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Saturday, July 28, 2012
Right Said Fred 9
Spiders         4

#3 Porn, Nate - despite giving up 9 goals, if Porn hadn't played 
out of his mind in the first half of the game, it would have 
been 18.  Nate another strong game and a goal.

#2 Adam - a goal and an assist.

#1 Mikey, Kenny G - we get stars for being the only two original 
Spiders left on the 15th anniversary of the team's first game 
ever.  Well, I also get a star for having two goals...


Quote of the Night
None submitted.  On our 15th anniversary no less!  
How disappointing!




Sunday, July 22, 2012
Two Goals One Cup W FF
Spiders

-#3 Porn - for fucking up lots of shit.  Couldn't make the game 
at the last minute.  Claims he had lots of "stuff to do."  And 
by "stuff" he means...  

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[Mikey is planning a trip to Kenny G's place.]

Mikey - "So are there any distinguishing characteristics 
I should look for to identify your house?"
Jeff - "You mean other than the giant inflatable penis 
on his front lawn?"



Saturday, July 14, 2012
Rented Mules 5
Spiders      1

#3 Nate, Petey - Nate another strong game.  Petey sets up 
B for our only goal.  

#2 B - has our only goal.

#1 Porn - there are usually no #1 stars awarded in losses, 
but after Porn made about 138 saves on Mr. Division I hockey 
player getting his jollies playing in the summer Southpointe 
D league, an exception is made.


Quote of the Night
[NOTE: It was a banner night.  We have three. 
Numbered, but in no particular order.]

#1
Stevie - "I played golf with a girl this week."
Mikey - "And?"
Stevie - "She was from Robert Morris."
Mikey - "And?"
Stevie - "She was smokin' hot."
Mikey - "And?"
Stevie - "She could drive the ball further than me."
B - "That's like the lamest letter to Penthouse ever."

#2
Porn - "It really works if you rub peanut butter on your 
balls and have your dog lick it off."
Mikey - "Smooth or crunchy?"
B - "The sad part is, I was wondering the exact same thing."

#3
[Everyone starts a slow clap, increasing speed as Porn 
feigns masturbation.]
Stevie - "That was extrodinarily gay.  Let's do it again."




Saturday, July 7, 2012
Spiders       4
Bipolar Bears 3

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a three for a goal and and 
an assist.

#2 Nate, Kenny G, Charlie, B - we all get stars for the 
best game we've played in a while.  Am I missing someone?

#1 Porn, Dave, Jeff, Petey - IIRC, Dave, Jeff, and Petey 
had our other goals.  Porn played his best game of the 
year to lead us to that elusive first victory of the 
season.


Quote of the Night
[On sharting.]

B - "Sometimes you just gotta find out whether you're going 
to shit or not."



Saturday, June 30, 2012
PSO     9
Spiders 1

-#3 Jeff - for taking three penalties and throwing 
a coniption.  Only a change in league rules this 
year saved him from a game misconduct, although he 
did try to give himself one.  And yes, that's code.

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 Stevie - when things looked their bleakest, and 
when the Spiders were a mere 15 seconds away from 
not only opening the season 0-3, but also being 
held scoreless for that entire streak, Stevie steps 
up, whips out his wand, and works his magic.  Oh, a
nd he also scored a goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[Petey forgets his jockstrap and is forced to wear 
Porn's.]

Porn - "Now that you have part of me on you, do you 
want part of me in you?"



Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Right Said Fred 6
Spiders         0

#3 Neil - new guys get stars their first game.

#2 Nate - strong game in a losing effort.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Two Goals One Cup 8
Spiders           0

#3 Derrick - new guys get stars their first game.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.







Spring 2012 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

5  - Dave
5  - Karcz
4  - BrYan
3  - Ted
3  - Nate
2  - Jeff
2  - Charlie
2  - GoalieAdam
2  - Porn
2  - Rich
2  - Stevie
2  - Petey
1  - Mikey
-2 - Kenny G


Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Moes    4
Spiders 3

#3 Petey - our captain gets a star for leading us 
through another successful season, or, er, at least 
another season.

#2 Nate, Karcz, Stevie - our trio of goal getters.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[B enters the locker room but doesn't take his 
usual spot.]

Jeff - "Don't you normally sit next to me?"
B - "Yeah, but these pants are really thin 
and I don't want my boner to show."



Friday, June 1, 2012
Chiefs  5
Spiders 3

-#3 Kenny G - last week we lose on an own goal at his hand 
(literally), this week he divides his loyalty, missing 
our game to play for Red's team, and probably cheats 
on us by taking the puck bag with him as well.

#3 Porn - gets a star for last week when I forgot 
to give him one and he threw a hissy fit.

#2 Rich - shows up for his traditional one game 
per season, and scores his traditional one goal 
in it.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[This isn't so much a singular quote as it is a 
concept I found hilarious.]

B - "We should all go down to the draft and act like 
we have a chance to be selected."
Mikey - "Yeah, we should all wear suits.  Walk around 
and see if anyone asks for our autographs."
B - "And take our families with us to sit behind us. 
Sit on the edge of our seats each time they 
announce a name and act all disappointed that 
we weren't called."



Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Lumberjacks 4 OT
Spiders     3

-#3 Kenny G - swats the puck into our own net in OT 
to seal the snatching of defeat from the jaws of 
victory.

#3 Nate - just an awesome game all around.

#2 B - with the super fly moves to score our 
first goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Charlie - "Kenny G had a Stephen Hawking 
Hat Trick, two penalties and he put the puck
in his own net."



Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Direct Energy W by FF
Spiders  

-#3 Everyone who refused to play because the 
game time was too late - you pussies.

#3 No #3 star awarded in FF loss.

#2 No #2 star awarded in FF loss.

#1 No #1 star awarded in FF loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Sunday, May 6, 2012
Legion of Doom 4
Spiders        2

#3 Whoever Had the Goals - if not included below.  I'm old 
and senile and can't remember back that far.

#2 The Walking Dead - Dave, Charlie, and GoalieAdam suffer 
varying degrees of injury.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[In the locker room after the game, discussing Charlie's 
injury since Charlie had left the rink.]

B - "He said he heard a pop."
GoalieAdam - "That was probably just his anal cherry."
B - "There's no way Charlie is an anal virgin!"



Thursday, April 26, 2012
Moes    5
Spiders 2

#3 Nate - plugs in one goal while on D.

#2 Jeff - his first goal since the 8th grade picnic, 
although taking that penalty took off some of the luster.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[At the faceoff circle, to Jeff on the bench, after 
Jeff scored his goal.]

Ref - "Do you want to save the puck?"




Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Chiefs  3
Spiders 1

#3 Porn, Karcz - Porn only lets in two (goals, that is, not 
penises), Karcz spends the night imitating Paul Coffey 
with his multiple end to end rushes.

#2 Ted - has our only goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Dave - "Petey won't be here tonight.  He hurt his neck."
Mikey - "How, giving gay blowjobs?"
Charlie - "I told him just let them fuck your mouth, it 
puts less stress on your neck."



Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Lumberjacks 7
Spiders     2

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a star for having both our goals,
and would have had a third if B hadn't robbed me of it.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Charlie - "A couple of years ago Jeff Jimmerson gave me 
a jerk job on my sofa.  Since then we've been friends."
Mikey - "Was he singing the national anthem while he was 
doing it?"
Ronnie - "No, he was humming it."



Monday, March 19, 2012

#3 Ted - Makes his triumphant return from Nashville, where he 
trained the Navy SEALs who took out Bin Laden and played 
tamborine on the latest Toby Keith album.

#2 BrYan, Karcz - BrYan keeps his streak alive, Karcz sporting 
a new coiff and knocking one in.

#1 Dave - A goal, playing up instead of on D, was there a full
moon tonight?


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Saturday, March 10, 2012

#3 Petey - Captain Pete brings us home to D league and scores a 
goal.  Now he needs to work on moving us down to the wheelchair 
division.

#2 BrYan - Two nice goals, but we all know it was just to impress 
his father in law.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.







Fall 2011 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

8 - Red
5 - Porn
2 - Mikey
1 - Petey
1 - Adam
1 - Jeff
1 - Steve


Saturday, January 28, 2012
Tang Dynasty  5
Spiders       4

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Thursday, January 19, 2012
Moe's   4
Spiders 3

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Monday, January 2, 2012
Killer B's 7
Spiders    4

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Thursday, December 15, 2011
Spiders         5
Wheeling Island 3

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Bargoyles 6
Spiders   4

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[Since nothing worthy was submitted tonight, we're going to 
give a shout out to a quote from Thanksgiving Eve at the Pens 
game.]

BrYan - "I don't like to gamble so much, but it's temping 
when you live next to the casino."
Petey - "Just like that gay bar that's right next to your 
house."
Mikey - "Yeah, you keep saying you're going to stop in for just 
one drink, and always end up passed out face down on the 
bathroom floor with your pants around your ankles."



Saturday, November 12, 2011
Wolfpack 7
Spiders  2

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Friday, November 4, 2011
Spiders      6
Tang Dynasty 3

#3 Me - For driving three hours from Bedford 
only to have some random extra guy nobody knew 
force us to rotate Charlie through our line for 
almost two periods, and then take a four 
minute shift at the end of the game.

#2 Red - Goals, stuff, things.

#1 Porn - We're gonna give him top slot this week.


Quote of the Night
Kenny G - "Check out the chick up there in the striped shirt
showing some shoulder!"
Red - "That's a dude."



Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Lucky Pucks 8
Spiders     2

#3 Red - We'll give him one for having two.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Porn talking about Brazilian scat and anal bleaching.




Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Spiders 8
Moe's   5

#3 No #3 star awarded - I might have given it to myself 
for having two of our goals, but scoring that lame ass 
empty netter with less than a second left was just too 
gay.  Even for me.

#2 Porn - Yeah, he eventually gave up five goals, but 
some of the saves he pulled out of his ass were even bigger 
than the butt plugs he normally pulls from there.

#1 Red - Has [INSERT NUMBER OF GOALS RED SCORED THIS 
WEEK HERE], and wasn't the biggest agitator on the ice.  
Plus, he provides the decisions on quote of the night 
this week.


Quote of the Night
[Tonight's quotes brought to you by Red.]

#10 from Moe's - "He fucking dove!  I didn't fucking trip 
him!  Fucking diver!"

#10 from Moe's - "I was just fucking standing in front of 
the net, then he came and tackled me!"

#10 from Moe's - "You big jerk!"



Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Killer B's 13
Spiders     3

#3 Petey, Adam, Jeff, Steve, Mikey - We all get stars 
for showing up at midnight to get our asses kicked 
while the rest of you were resting comfortably in bed.  
With each other.  Having gay sex.  And by "gay sex" 
I mean...

#2 Red - With all three of our goals in a losing effort.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[Petey walks in wearing a "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt.]

Mikey - "Isn't that your brother's shirt?"
Petey - "No, his is a different color.  And his says 
No Fat Dudes."
Adam - "I thought his said Please Fat Dudes."







Summer 2011 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

15 - Red
 4 - Porn
 3 - Charlie
 4 - Mikey
 3 - B
 2 - Dave
 2 - Petey
 2 - Karcz
 1 - Bryan
 1 - Stevie
 1 - Richie
 1 - Goaliepersonguy


Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Spiders   12
Bargoyles  3

#3 Mikey - I had another 2 goals and I updated the website so 
quickly after the game.

#2 B - Also had two, IIRC.

#1 Red - Scores enough to tie him for the league lead in 
scoring, even if it was against the Little Sisters of the 
Blind.

Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Moe's   7
Spiders 4

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a #3 for having two goals, 
especially that one where Charlie hit me with that pass 
right on the tape in full stride to send me in alone on 
a breakaway.  Or at least a pass that was, technically, 
still actually on the surface of the rink itself.

#2 Red, Dave - Red with one of our goals, apparently 
Dave with the other, although there seemed to be a Hus 
Family dispute over who exactly touched it last.  I think 
Dave should have let Petey take credit so he could have 
impressed Mrs. Petey's Girlfriend.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[Porn gets the quote of the night and he wasn't even here.  
B, retelling a conversation between himself and Porn last 
week.]

Porn - "I stopped a 12 year old from getting raped the 
other night."
B - "How'd you do that?!"
Porn - "I changed my mind."



Saturday, July 30, 2011
Fighting Cox 4
Spiders      3

#3 BrYan - Had his share of rushes up ice a la Bobby Orr.

#2 Red - Again with the offense.

#1 Charlie - #1 stars are not normally awarded in losses, 
but his broken stick beat the goalie coming out goal was 
just to epic to ignore.


Quote of the Night
[We have two tonight.]

#1:
Petey - "It's like one of my 8th graders keeps telling me:  
bitches be trifilin'."

#2:
[And secondly, the discussion of hot babes at Sandcastle 
ensues...]

BrYan - "It's ok to look."
Mikey - "Yeah, but they do frown upon it when you start 
masturbating."



Friday, July 22, 2011
Tang Dynasty 12
Spiders       4

#3 Red - All of our offense, a quad trick, in a losing 
effort.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[Porn, after the post-game shower, bending over wearing only a towel, as Steve 
is walking out the door.]

Porn - "Go ahead, stick it in."
Steve - "Sure, I'm on my way to go get condoms."

[Steve leaves.]

Porn - "Steve only ever thinks about himself."
Petey - "True, after all, he didn't say anything about lube."



Friday, July 15, 2011
Spiders 5
Fools 2 3

#3 Stevie - The game winner on a breakaway.  He made it 
look easy.

#2 Porn - Kept it close and gave us a chance to win.

#1 Red - With the hat trick.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wolfpack 9
Spiders  3

#3 Richie, B, Red, Goaliepersonguy - Yes Rich, you had that 
one.  B rockin' the skinhead neo-Nazi look and scoring a 
goal.  Red pops in one or two.  SubGoalie gets a star 
despite a 9-3 loss.  Could have easily been 90-3.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[Hey, they can't all be winners.]

Somebody - "Why did you hit that guy?"
Charlie - "He got in my way."



Sunday, June 19, 2011
Lucky Pucks 9
Spiders     1


Honorary Star 1 (no points awarded): B - We don't care about 
the allegations, the accusations, the indictments, or 
the imprisonment, we're just glad to have you back.

Honorary Star 2 (no points awarded): Clarence Clemons - The Big 
Man is now playing his saxophone in hell.

#3 Porn - It's not often you see a star for a goaltender in a 
9-1 loss, but he probably had a save percentage of well over 
.950

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Mikey - "What happened to your toe?"
Kenny G - "I hurt it blocking a shot."
Mikey - "Did you call a toe truck?"



Saturday, June 11, 2011
Spiders   13
Bargoyles  1

#3 Porn - Ok, so we gave him a little bit of a cushion to 
work with, but still, only giving up one, and an own goal 
at that (thanks, Karcz!)...

#2 Petey, Mikey, Karcz - Nobody else who scored gets one, 
because we were already up by a bazillion goals, and that 
just ain't good sportsmanship.

#1 Red - 50-some odd goals.  You almost got a point 
deduction for the aforementioned scoring when we're 
already up by twenty late in the third, but we can't 
deny your performance.


Quote of the Night
Someone - "When's Petey coming?"
Dave - "Whenever he's next to a guy."
Mikey - "Is that next to a guy, or inside a guy?"



Wednesday, May 31, 2011
Moes    4
Spiders 0

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[Referring to BrYan, in his absence due to his "honeymoon" in Hawaii.]

Charlie - "He's the most closeted Jew since Anne Frank."



Saturday, May 21, 2011
Fighting Cox 7
Spiders      2

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.







Fall 2010 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

10 - Red
 7 - Dan
 3 - Ted
 3 - New Mike
 2 - Porn
 2 - BrYan
 1 - Adam
 1 - Steve
 1 - Petey
 1 - Dave
 1 - B
 1 - Lou
 1 - GoaltenderSubGuy
 1 - Waitress


Playoffs
Friday, November 12, 2010
Chiefs  5
Spiders 1

#3 No #$3 star awarded (actually, I probably would have 
awarded one, but it was so long ago that I've forgotten 
who played well).

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[Petey, reading B's text after the game.]

"Sorry guys, I fell asleep.  Hope you pulled out."

"A win."



Friday, October 29, 2010
Spiders           7
Natural Disasters 3

#3 Adam, Steve NewMike - Each with a goal, IIRC.

#2 Red - Gets bumped down a notch for fighting!

#1 I'd give it to myself for having had two, but I 
don't like to award myself for anything less than a 
hat trick. Pleasure myself, sure. But award myself, no. 


Quote of the Night
#27 on the Natural Disasters - "I'm 23 and served in the army!"

[Apropos of nothing, before fighting Red.]



Friday, October 15, 2010
Fools2  4 OT
Spiders 3

#3 BrYan, B - The Scalper had some moves and some rushes going on.  
B gets a welcome back star to go along with all the welcome back 
handjobs he got.

#2 Would have gone to Red, but tripping Porn and almost costing us 
a goalie sort of evens out his karma for the night, so we'll leave 
#2 blank and call it even.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Petey/Mikey - [Discussing M-Theory, Quantum Mechanics, Universe vs. 
Multiverse, etc..]

Everyone Else- "Shut the fuck up!"



Friday, October 1, 2010
Spiders       5
Bipolar Bears 2

#3 Our Waitress - Unbeknowst to her, she gets a star for bringing 
me a dinosaur sippy cup full of delicious pink lemonade!

#2 Dan (honorary) - Ok, he's not getting another actual farewell 
star, since he got one of those for his first last game a month ago.

#1 Sweaty Teddy - Ok, so it's a charity star, but surely he's not 
above such things?  All seriousness aside, he gets top billing in 
his last game as a Spider before moving to Nashville to train Navy 
Seals.


Quote of the Night
[The Pearl Jam tribute band (or possibly Pearl Jam themselves) 
are playing loud enough up at Jay's so as to make hearing difficult.]

Bryan - "Did you tell her we want a pizza and 20 hot wings?"
Ted - "No, I told her you ordered 20 pizzas and 1 hot wing."



Saturday, September 18, 2010
Chiefs  5
Spiders 4

None submitted.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Sunday, September 5, 2010
Taggart 4 OT
Spiders 3

#3 New Goaltender Sub Person Guy Thing - We did lose in OT, but 
he made some awesome saves.  Porn who?

#2 Dan - A farewell star for his last game as a Spider.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Saturday, August 28, 2010
Fools2  3
Spiders 2

#3 Lou - Some amazing sub work in goal, especially considering 
he hadn't played since the last Spiders Arena Night.

#2 Dan - A game with goals.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Rich [upon given Karcz defensive advice] - "I'll teach you how to 
go down on guys."



Friday, August 20, 2010
Spiders       5
Bipolar Bears 4

#3 Meh, can't think of one.

#2 Petey - With some kind of goal.

#1 Red - Had some number of goals between one and infinity.  
Also showed restraint when hacked across the ankle on a breakaway 
late in the game.


Quote of the Night
Ted [upon introducing himself to New Mike] - "Hi, I'm Ted.  Let 
me shake your hand before I go take a shit."



Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Spiders 9
Chiefs  2

[NOTE: In my absence, tonight's stars are brought to you 
by Big Red.]

#3 Dave, BrYan, Porn - Dave's check.  BrYan's mouth.  
Porn's mask (with its first win).

#2 Dan, New Mike - Dan with two goals, New Mike with one.

#1 Red - Gives himself a #1 star, but he did have six 
goals so it's probably justified.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Friday, August 6, 2010
SID     4
Spiders 1

#3 Red, Porn - Red has our only goal, unless I deflected it, 
which I might have.  Porngets a star for his shiny new mask, 
even though results would indicate that it apparently 
makes it tough for him to see the puck.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Porn - "When your son is about five years old, let him see 
your penis once.  For the rest of his life, he'll think you 
have the biggest dick in the world."
Somebody - "What if you have a daughter?  Do the same thing?"
Porn - "No, just fuck her."



Saturday, July 31, 2010
Aim Low 9
Spiders 2

#3 Dan, Red - Our only two goals in a lopsided contest.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Bryan - "I'm hoping to meet Ben Roethlisberger in a bathroom."







Summer 2010 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

12 - Red
11 - B
 9 - Dan
 8 - Porn
 6 - Mikey
 4 - Stevie
 4 - Jeff
 4 - Charlie
 3 - Ronnie
 3 - Dave
 2 - Richie
 2 - Bryan
 2 - Adam
 2 - Ted
 1 - Kenny G
 1 - Petey


Saturday, July 17, 2010
Wolfpack 4 OT/SO
Spiders  3

#3 Charlie - Pressed into service on D because of a 
short bench, Charles excels.  Maybe it doesn't quite 
rank up there with the time he played in goal, but 
outstanding nonetheless.

#2 Dave - That short-handed rush were he played keep 
away with pretty much the entire Wolfpack team and then 
damn near scored on the play was worth the price of 
admission alone.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Non submitted.



Monday, July 12, 2010
Wolfpack 4
Spider   1

#3 Charlie - For his bowling ball move where he just wiped 
out that Wolfpack player on a breakaway.

#2 Mikey - I did have our only goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[In the locker room before the game the Spiders are 
ridiculing out last opponents for formally protesting their 
blowout loss to us by challenging the integrity of our roster.]

Charlie - "Next thing you know they'll have us pissing in a cup."
Porn - "Will you save it for me?"
Charlie - "It's more erotic if I just piss straight in your mouth."



Saturday, July 10, 2010
Spiders 9
SID     2

#3 Adam, Mikey, B - Adam scored too, IIRC.  I had either 
1 1/2 or 2 goals, depending on how you count it.  B 
setup Red and I on our combined goal with a nice pass, 
although he probably should have just shot it.

#2 Porn, Ted - Not that he was tested all that hard, 
but Porn held the first place team to two goals in a 
playoff game.  Ted had a goal, but mostly gets a star for 
bringing pre, post, and in-game Gatorade conCOCKtions.

#1 Red, Dan, Ronnie - Red has 3 1/2 goals and along with 
Dan and Ronnie in a special guest appearance fresh from 
the turtle farm are our best players.


Quote of the Night
The "quote" of the night is the SID goaltender knocking 
the net off while Stevie was going in on a breakaway.  We 
have to memorialize that somehow.




Saturday, June 26, 2010
Legion of Doom 6
Spiders        4

#3 BrYan, Jeff, Porn, Mikey, Richie - We all deserve a star for 
playing with one sub, in the sweltering summer heat, in a 
sandstorm, with no skates, while the rest of you bozos were 
vacationing at your second homes in Bora Bora.

#2 Red, Dan - I think they combined had all of our goals.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[BrYan is breaking the big news on his recent engagement.]

BrYan - "Well guys, I finally broke down and did it."
Mikey - "What, told her you were gay?"



Monday, June 21, 2010
SID     7
Spiders 3


#3 Dan

#2 Red

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[The number of Spiders who have kids is being discussed.]

Charlie - "Richie drops his kids off at the pool every night and 
calls them his children.  And since his shit has sperm in it, that's 
close enough."



Saturday, June 12, 2010
Spiders 4 OT
Chiefs  4


#3 Mikey

#2 B, Dan

#1 No #1 star awarded in tie.


Quote of the Night
Stevie - "I'm married, I rarely have consensual sex."



Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Spiders  6 OT
Wolfpack 6

[NOTE: Tonight's stars are brought to you without comment by 
Kenny G.]

#3 Richie

#2 B

#1 Porn


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Spiders 9
Gators  2

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a star for a hat trick.  And for being 
on time.

#2 Stevie, Charlie - Stevie with two goals in his first game since 
the 8th grade picnic.  Charlie somehow manages to deke the goalie 
and score on a rebound.

#1 B - Our other hat trick on the night.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wolfpack 5
Spiders  3

#3 Red, Petey, B - Red and B have goals, B mocks the Wolfpack 
and their gay goal celebrations, and I didn't see it because 
I was late arriving, but I hear Petey made a nice pass to 
setup Red.

#2 Jeff - Played a helluva game on defense.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Monday, May 17, 2010
SID     4
Spiders 0

#3 Red - Red doesn't normally get merits for 
taking penalties, but laying out a SID player 
after said player had layed out Tedrow gets kudos 
in our book.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
SID Player - "You can't afford my stick!"



Saturday, May 8, 2010
Spiders 6
Chiefs 5

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Gators 3
Spiders 2

None submitted.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Spiders        4
Legion of Doom 1


[NOTE: Tonight's stars are brought to you by Red.]

#3 Petey, Dan, Adam, Jeff, Bryan, Dave, Kenny G - Red 
said to give everyone a star for our first earned 
victory since the eigth grade picnic.

#2 Stevie, B, Porn - Our other two goal scorers, plus Porn 
making some nice saves.

#1 Red - Two goals to get us back on track.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.







Fall 2009 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

 3 - Porn
 2 - Red
 2 - Greg
 2 - Steve's Beard
 1 - Petey
 1 - B
 1 - Dave
 1 - Jeff
 1 - Mikey
-1 - Adam


Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Pitt Law Panthers 5
Spiders           2

#3 Jeff - On the advice B, Jeff gets a star for many brave and 
manly actions.  

#2 Steve's Facial Hair - We didn't recognize him without his 
beard.  And no, we don't mean his wife.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
B - "We should change the Spiders website to just auctions 
of pictures of Charlie's dick for charity."
Charlie - "We could call it 'Cock for Haiti!"



Sunday, February 14, 2010
Deliotte 4
Spiders  1

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a star for having our only goal.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 Porn - #1 stars aren't normally awarded in a loss, but hats 
off.  Porn was so good tonight that he's now in position to join 
the men's Olympic team if all American goaltenders in the NHL, AHL, 
ECHL, college, amateur, pee-wee, and wheelchair leagues can't play.


Quote of the Night
B - "I wonder if the Spiders could beat the U.S. Olympic 
women's team?"
Porn - "We'd be too busy trying to fuck the U.S. Olympic 
women's team."



Tuesday, January 26, 2010
SID     6 OT
Spiders 5

#3 No #3 star awarded.  With apologies to B, Porn, and 
Red, who all had good games, I can't in good conscience 
award stars in a game where we were up by two with a 
minute and a half left and end up losing.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.  


Quote of the Night
Charlie - "Let's win this one for Haiti!"



Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Broad Street Bullies 9
Spiders              1

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Saturday, December 26, 2009
Spiders           W by FF
Pitt Law Panthers 

#3 No #3 star awarded in FF win.

#2 No #2 star awarded in FF win.

#1 No #1 star awarded in FF win.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Moe's   5 OT
Spiders 4

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Saturday, November 26, 2009
Spiders           W by FF
Pitt Law Panthers

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, December 9, 2009

#3 Petey, B - Petey knocks in the rebound of my shot, 
B scores on a breakaway.

#2 Greg - New guy gets a star and a goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.  


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Moe's   W by FF
Spiders

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Tuesday, November 10, 2009
SID     6
Spiders 2

#3 Red - Two assists, including setting me up for my first of 
the season.

#2 Dave - Our other goal.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
Charlie - "I finally fit four fingers in my ass."



Friday, October 23, 2009
Broad Street Bullies 13
Spiders               2

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Petey - "Ted, do any of your relatives live in South Allegheny?"
Ted - "Yeah, all of them.  Why?"
Petey - "I think I have one of them in class."
Ted - "Do you teach at South Allegheny?"
Petey - "Yeah."
Ted - "I feel sorry for you."
B - "This is quite possibly the most boring Spiders conversation ever."





Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Moe's   6
Spiders 2

-#3 Adam - A beauty of a tally from right along the goal line, 
well-placed, banked off of an unsuspecting goalie's skate...right 
into our own net.

#3 Red - Both of the goals that actually counted for our team.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.  (Haven't had to say that too often 
recently.)


Quote of the Night
B - "Are you still dating that same girl?"
Dave - "Yeah, why?"
B (sarcastically) - "Because I want to ask her out.  
What the fuck, I'm just making conversation!"







Summer 2009 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

21 - Red
16 - Porn
 8 - Ronnie
 6 - Jordan
 6 - Ted
 6 - Petey
 4 - Kenny G
 3 - B
 3 - Richie
 2 - Adam
 2 - Stevie
 2 - Dave
 1 - Bryan
 1 - Jeff
 1 - Evgeni Malkin
 1 - Sergei Gonchar


Playoffs
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Spiders  4
Iceholes 0

Special #3 Sergei Gonchar, Evgeni Malkin - For providing team 
motivation by skating out on the ice with us during warmups.

#3 B, Kenny G, Ted, Dave - B gets our other goal, Kenny lights it 
up on D, Tender Teddy skates his balls off.  Dave's got to get a 
star for getting head in the parking lot before the game.  From 
a girl, no less.  Well, at least he claims it was a girl.

#2 Jordan - H-T, bay-bee.

#1 Porn - Goose egg in the deciding game.  With all due respect 
to Red, Jordan, and Ronnie, I think Porn gets our Conn Smythe.


Quote of the Night
[Despite winning our 5th championship in stellar fashion with guest 
appearances by Sarge and Geno, it wasn't a good night for quotes.]



Playoffs
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Spiders  9
Iceholes 5

#3 Ronnie - Gets himself tossed with three penalties, but 
strong play while he was in the game, on a line with Red 
no less.  And they actually spoke to each other.  In 
civil tones.  What's next?  Giving each other handjobs 
on the bench inbetween shifts?

#2 Jordan - MIA on Thursday, he comes back in a big way 
tonight.

#1 Red - Red rebounds from his little "incident" on Thursday.


Quote of the Night
[Petey is asked why his last girlfriend only lasted two weeks.]

Petey - "She found my wizard hat."



Playoffs
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Iceholes 7
Spiders  2

#3 Porn - Despite giving up seven, it could easily have been 
twice that had he not stood on his head a few times.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
[NONE SUBMITTED.]



Playoffs
Monday, August 24, 2009
Spiders 4
Moe's   2

#3 BrYan, DaVe, B - BrYan with a couple of nice moves, 
including one to draw a penalty.  DaVe aknowledges that 
he didn't actually score the goal he appeared to, but still 
ends up with two assists.  B gets the goal DaVe gives up.

#2 Jordan - A very strong game.

#1 Petey, Porn, Red - Red misses yet another breakaway.  
Petey scoes on a one-timer off of a two on one break.  Porn 
plays out of his mind.


Quote of the Night
Bryan - "Petey was calling me right as I pulled in."
B - "More likely he was calling your name as you pulled 
out."



Sunday, August 9, 2009
Spiders        W by FF
Legion of Doom

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night
[Ronnie, on noting that Steve has "Christian" on the back 
of his jersey.]

Ronnie - "Bryan should have 'Jew' on the back of his."



Friday, July 31, 2009
Spiders     5
Lucky PUcks 2

#3 No #3 star awarded

#2 Porn - Strong game.

#1 Red, Ronnie, Ted - Great efforts from Red and Ronnie both, 
let's just hope they don't kill each other.  Ted actually 
notches a tally.  And then screamed about it.


Quote of the Night
[NONE SUBMITTED.]



Thursday, July 23, 2009
Spiders 9
Taggart 6

[NO STARS AWARDED DUE TO MIKEY BEING IN FRANCE.]


Quote of the Night
[NONE SUBMITTED DUE TO MIKEY BEING IN FRANCE.]



Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Spiders 5
Moe's   2

[NO STARS AWARDED DUE TO MIKEY LEAVING FOR FRANCE THE 
NEXT DAY.]


Quote of the Night
[NONE SUBMITTED DUE TO MIKEY LEAVING FOR FRANCE THE
NEXT DAY.]



Sunday, July 12, 2009
Spiders           7
Natural Disasters 3

#3 Red, Richie - Each knock one in.

#2 Adam - Two goals.

#1 Kenny G - An amazing goal, his first since the eighth 
grade picnic, in his last game, no less.  Farewell, 
Kenny G, we hardly knew ye.  See you on 
Wednesday.


Quote of the Night
Mikey - "Oh, almost another one for Kenny G!"
B - "Now there's a phrase you don't hear very often, 
almost another one for Kenny G."



Friday, July 3, 2009
Spiders        5
Legion of Doom 2


#3 Stevie, Porn - We relegate Steve back to D and he 
still manages to score.  Porn with a couple of 
fantastic saves.

#2 Richie, Ted - Richie scores on a Richieaway!  He 
picked his corner.  Not the one he actually scored 
into, but he picked his corner nonetheless.  Likewise, 
Ted skates in all alone on a nice pass from Red and 
buries it.

#1 Red - Two goals, almost most a few more had it 
not been for those damn missed breakaways!


Quote of the Night
Ted - "Are you going up to the bar?"
Richie - "Nah, I have the dogs at home and they have 
to get their medicine.  They were supposed to have 
it at 9:00, so I'm already late."
Red - "Nine o'clock?  They're probably already lying 
on their backs with their legs straight up in the air."
Porn - "If you have enough drugs, you can get girls 
to do the same thing."



Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Spiders     2
Lucky Pucks 0

[ED. NOTE: IN MY ABSENCE, TONIGHT'S STARS ARE BROUGHT 
TO YOU BY KENNY G.]

#3 Red - The other goal scorer, with 16 seconds left 
in the game, while on a power play.

#2 Porn - Another shutout victory.

#1 Ronnie - The game winner that started with some 
fancy passes from teammates at center ice. 


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Spiders 8
Taggart 4

#3 Steve, B - Our single goal scorers.

#2 Red - A big night, but just misses out on the number 
one due to Petey busting his H-T cherry.

#1 Petey - His first ever hat trick. Other than that time 
he rolled three consecutive D20s. But hey, even a blind 
squirrel finds a nut every once in a while. 


Quote of the Night
Porn (I think) - "Kenny G's not here with the puck bag. 
Did anybody bring any pucks?"
BrYan (with the worst joke/pun ever) - "No, but I pucked 
your mother."



Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Spiders 2
Moe's   0

#3 Jeff - Our new enforcer/goon, complete with requsite playoff beard.

#2 Red - Nets the 1500th goal in franchise history.

#1 Porn - Notches the shutout.


Quote of the Night
Again, nothing that jumped out as worthy



Sunday, May 24, 2009
Spiders           9
Natural Disasters 2

#3 Porn - Gave up two, but also made some excellent saves.

#2 Ronnie - First game as a Spider and he's the guy who took the 
picture of his dick that Charlie was diggin' on.

#1 Red - I told him he needs five goals to get moved from the alumni section 
of the player profiles page back to the active roster.  He had four and an 
assist.  Close enough.


Quote of the Night
None deemed worthy, which is surprising.  I figured after six weeks off 
everyone would have had a shitload of material saved up.  As it was, a 
pretty lame night for quotable quotes.







Winter 2009 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

10 - Porn
 8 - Stevie
 6 - Josh
 6 - Big Red
 4 - B
 4 - Petey
 4 - Charlie
 2 - Erik
 2 - Jordan
 1 - Richie
 1 - Jeremy
 1 - Kenny G
-1 - Mikey


Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Moe's   6
Spiders 5

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 Charlie, Jordan - Each with two goals, Jordan with 
the welcome star.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
[A discussion ensues on children.]

Charlie - "That's why I always keep a coat hanger in the car."



Sunday, April 5, 2009
Spiders   5
Bargoyles 4

#3 Stevie, Josh - We gave Kenny G a star last week for muckin' 
it up characteristically, so it's only fair that Stevie gets 
one for the same thing this week.  Josh gets a farewell star 
from the team and a goodbye handjob from Charlie.

#2 B, Charlie, Petey - Each with a goal.  Petey knocks his 
in off of his dick.

#1 Big Red - Gets the nod over the other goal scorers tonight 
because he finally ditched those damn orange sweatpants.  He'd 
have probably managed a #1+ if he'd have replaced them with 
red instead of black...


Quote of the Night
B - "Whenever I'm giving head in the back of a pickup truck, 
I always tell somebody to laugh so it doesn't seem as gay."



Thursday, April 2, 2009
Spiders  7
Wolfpack 6

-#3 Mikey - For not updating the website schedule and making 
Charlie be late.  Or should I get a positive star for making 
Charlie late?

#3 Kenny G - We expect it when Erik and Adam go muckin' and 
grindin', but Kenny G gettin' ready to drop the gloves?  Must 
be a full moon...

#2 Josh - Had the remaining 12 goals out of 7.  But he's 
moving to where the stars at night are big and bright deep in 
the heart of Texas?!

#1 The Big Red Machine - Returns to the lineup after an 
exclusive three year tour of Europe, Scandinavia, and the 
Sub-Continent to score 16 of the 7 goals we had tonight.  Now 
if he can just lose those damn orange sweatpants he'll be 
a god.


Quote of the Night
[Standing around talking in the parking lot after the game, 
Petey is sporting a t-shirt with the logo of The Flash on it.]
Mikey - "Is that for The Flash or The Flasher?"
B - "Yeah, The Flasher.  It could be your Halloween 
costume, that shirt and no pants.  Not only would chicks see 
your cock, it'd make them think."



Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Bargoyles 9
Spiders   1

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Charlie - "Wouldn't it be funny if dicks were 
square?"



Monday, March 16, 2009
Natural Disasters 5
Spiders           1

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Thursday, March 12, 2009
Moe's   4
Spiders 2

#3 Stevie, B - Our goal scorers, each with very nice efforts.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
None worthy.



Sunday, March 8, 2009
Spiders           3
Natural Disasters 1

#3 Jeremy, Kenny G - Jeremy with a really nice move 
that just missed.  The G Man makes a nice defensive 
play while on his ass.

#2 Erik - A fantastic short-handed lighting of the 
lamp.  And I'm not just saying that because I 
assisted.

#1 Steve, Porn - Steve has another two, including 
a tally when we were short-handed by two.  Porn 
once more plays out of his mind.


Quote of the Night
Dave - "Two kids from the boys lacross team I 
coach were all excited because they saw the girls 
volleyball team take their shirts off.  They fifth and 
sixth graders, so it's a big deal to them."
B - "What do you mean big deal for them?  That 
never gets old!"
Adam - "Yeah, I'm getting excited just hearing 
about it."



Friday, February 20, 2009
Spiders        5
Legion of Doom 0

#3 Josh - Second game as a Spider, second goal as a 
Spider.

#2 Porn - Some outstanding glove saves to preserve the 
shutout.

#1 Steve - Nails the H-T. 


Quote of the Night
[I believe it was Ted but don't quote me on that as 
I missed the entire exchange.]

Ted - "Petey, how long do you have to date a girl before you 
tell her you spend every Monday night playing Dungeons and 
Dragons?"



Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Spiders        3 OT
Legion of Doom 2

[Tonight's Three Stars brought to you by 
Kenny G.]

#3 B - First goal was from a faceoff. scored, 
turned and headed back to center ice as if he 
meant to do that without saying a word.

#2 Josh - First game and the game winner 
in O.T.

#1 Porn - For a outstanding game. 


Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Wolfpack 4
Spiders  1

[Tonight's Three Stars brought to you by 
Kenny G.]

#3 Richie - Lone goal.

#2 Porn - Kept the team in the game.

#1 No #1 star awarded as Kenny G said the team 
played "poopy." That's a very technical hockey term, 
originally devised by Scotty Bowman. You probably 
wouldn't understand...


Quote of the Night
None submitted.







Fall 2008 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

16 - B
15 - Steve
11 - Dave
10 - Mikey
 8 - Charlie
 7 - Bryan
 7 - Kenny G
 7 - Porn
 7 - Adam
 7 - Petey
 6 - Erik
 5 - Rich
 5 - Jeff
 4 - Ted
 3 - New Spiders Jerseys
 2 - Mrs. Dr. B
 2 - Reggie Dunlop
 1 - Chad
 1 - Naked Dale
-1 - Jess


Playoffs
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Spiders 3
Beavers 1

#3 B, Kenny G, Bryan, Jeff, Charlie, Rich, Petey, 
Adam, Erik, Mikey, Ted, Mrs. Dr. B - We all deserve 
stars for a solid effort and our first championship 
in four years and five straight losses in the finals. 
Special kudos to Mrs. Dr. B for being our dedicated 
fan and taking our team photo afterwards.

#2 Stevie, Porn - Steve gets our other goal, Porn 
plays another strong game in net.

#1 Dave - What can we say? One for the Ages. Two 
really nice goals on two really nice setups from B. 


Quote of the Night
[Richie comments on Bryan's inability to make 
more than three games a season due to his job.]

Bryan - "We can't all stay at home and work out 
of the house, Rich."
Porn - "Why not? That's what your mother does."



Playoffs
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Spiders 6
Beavers 1

#3 Charlie - Knocks in one.

#2 Porn - Only lets in one.

#1 BrYYYYYan, Stevie - Both have two (although BrYYYYYan 
could have had a hat trick had he not fucked up that 
breakaway).

Honorary #1's go to all of us for managing to navigate 
the overflowing parking lot filled with the cars of the 
people attending the boxing match next door. I actually 
had to park a half mile down the road and hike it. Not 
that I want anyone to feel sorry for me or anything. 


Quote of the Night
[Dave on the bench, trying to explain why he missed 
a goal, but ending up sounding very gay. As usual.]

Dave - "I knew I couldn't get it up because that guy 
went down."



Playoffs
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Spiders      7
Knuckleheads 2

#3 B, Ted, Erik, Ted, Jeff, Kenny G - B has a goal, 
our D, including Ted for the second half, plays 
outstanding.  Dave would have been included for 
his goal and his D, but getting a game misconduct 
when we were only up by two bumps him from the list.

#2 Stevie - Two goals, although it was 
pseudo-unsportsmanlike punching in that second one 
with less than a minute when we were already 
up by four.

#1 Mikey - I don't make a habit out of giving myself 
stars, let alone a number one, but I think I deserve it 
this time.


Quote of the Night
B - "I hope some day my wife looks at me the way 
Bryan looks at Richie."



Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Spiders 2
Beavers 2

#3 Dave - Another good penalty kill, plus he throws 
up Chinese food all over the bench. The reguritated 
noodles hanging from his facemask were a nice touch.

#2 Kenny G, Porn - Kenny G plays like a man 
possessed, especially at the end. Porn makes some 
amazing saves to keep us in it.

#1 Charlie - Makes more moves than Mae West before 
scoring a beauty of a goal. 


Quote of the Night
Dave - "I heard the reaction on the bench when 
I made that play."
Charlie - "We weren't cheering you, we were trying 
to get away from your vomit."
Dave - "I hadn't thrown up yet."
Charlie - "Then we were trying to get away from 
your pre-cum."



Sunday, October 26, 2008
Spiders W by FF
Beavers

[Originally in the loss column, later overturned 
to a Spiders win via forfeit.]

#3 Mikey - Again I'll give myself a three for 
tossing in our only goal.

#2 Dave - For his penalty killing effort. He 
single-handedly ran off the last forty-five 
seconds of one of our many penalties.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
Another visual quote this week. Tonight it 
was simply Charlie's picture of his vagina 
Halloween costume.



Sunday, October 12, 2008
Natural Disasters 7
Spiders           4

Honorary #3 (no actual points awarded) - BrYan, for 
getting hit with a puck at the Pens opener on 
Saturday. I thought he sold all of his tickets? 
Oh well, we're sure he'll be putting the puck up 
for sale on eBay.

#3 Mikey - I'll give myself a three for scoring 
two and setting up Richie on one of his.

#2 Erik - And I'm not just giving him a star 
because I hit him in the stomach with a puck. 
As B said, he played a helluva game.

#1 Richie - I don't normally give number one 
stars in a loss, but Richie deserves it for 
having two sweet goals against an A league team. 


Quote of the Night
Tonight's quote is just the look on B's face 
when Charlie made a lame attempt to make a funny.



Sunday, September 28, 2008
Spiders         4
Right Said Fred 0

#3 Charlie, Mikey, Jeff - Charlie has one, and 
while I don't normally give myself stars, that 
sharp angle goal I scored is worth a number 
three.  Jeff gets a token star for actually 
taking a few shifts at center.

#2 Reg Dunlop - Farewell, Reg, your memory will 
live in our hearts forever.  Or something sappy 
like that.

#1 B - Two goals, and I can't think of anything 
witty to add.


Quote of the Night
[Jeff is about to take a shift at center.]

Mikey - "Can you see, or are you still blind as a 
bat?
Jeff - "I did go to the eye doctor, and he basically 
said I'm blind as a bat."
Mikey - "Can you at least see colors, or are you 
color blind too?"
Jeff - "No, I can see in color."
Charlie - "They why do you keep wearing those fucking 
blue pants?"




Friday, September 19, 2008
Spiders         12
Right Said Fred  1

#3 Mrs. Dr. B, Erik, Jeff, Ted, Rich, Chad - B's 
wife is the first (so far as we know) to sport an 
official Spiders thong, to the game no less.

#2 Adam, Bryan, B, Kenny G, Petey, - Christ, we 
had so many goals I can't count them all.

#1 Dave - Looks like we'll have to add a new term 
to the vernacular. First there was the "Gordie Howe 
Hat Trick," now there's the Dave Osterhus version. He 
throws up, gets the quote of the night, scores two 
goals, and chases the opposing goalie from the game. 
Truly a man of many talents. 


Quote of the Night
Dave - "Reeetchh!"



Friday, August 29, 2008
Spiders     6
Metro Fools 3

#3 Mikey, Kenny G, Bryan - I had one plus a bunch 
of assists, Kenny G D's it up, and, much as I am 
loath to acknowledge it, Bryan does too.

#2 Steve, Charlie, Ted - Our other goal scorers.

#1 B - Has two plus some nice passes.


Quote of the Night
[Charlie takes a shot that moves so slowly you 
could time it with a calendar.]

Steve (Channeling Toy Story) - "You don't want 
to be in the way of his laser when it turns on!"



Thursday, August 21, 2008
Spiders      6
Knuckleheads 3

-#3 Jess - Teases us all with rumors that she'll 
be making her first appearance in over a year, then 
leaves us all high and dry with our cocks in our 
hands.

#3 Mikey, Erik - I'll give myself a #3 again this 
week for once more knocking in two. Despite (or 
perhaps because of) Erik's Baryshnikov-esque 
pirouette (except I don't think Baryshnikov 
normally fell on his ass), he played a very 
solid game on D.

#2 Dave, B - Even though I think I actually 
tipped it, we'll give Dave credit for his goal. 
B has one, and also makes some nice setups.

#1 Steve - Scores two, but the question remains: 
why did he squeal like a schoolgirl when he got 
the empty netter? The breakaway was much more 
impressive. IMHO. 


Quote of the Night
[NOTE: This week's Quote of the Night actually 
took place online four hours before game time. 
There had been a long and protracted team email 
exchange during the day, including such 
enlightening discussions as horse cocks in the 
showers. At the end of it all, B finally 
chimes in...]

B - "What button on my computer will turn off 
the homo flirting?"



Thursday, August 7, 2008
Spiders           4
Natural Disasters 3

#3 Mikey, Porn - I'll give myself a #3 for knocking 
in two. Porn complains when he gets a star, he 
complains when he doesn't, but he's getting one 
tonight whether he likes it or not. All due those 
two amazing saves he made.

#2 Adam - He gets a star for giving B a huge boner. 
For going down to block a shot from the point in 
the waning seconds, that is. Or so B claims.

#1 Petey - The Meaty One has our other two goals, 
including a short-hander.


Quote of the Night
It was a lame night on the humor front, I don't 
think there were any truly worthy quotes tonight.



Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Spiders      2
Knuckleheads 2

#3 B, Steve, Naked Dale - A Blast from the 
Past. Last year on our 10th anniversary we 
had Area 51 show up unannounced. For our 
11th it's our first team captain returning 
to the scene of the crime. No word on whether 
he crashed his plane into the parking lot or 
drove his tractor with the gopher guts stuck 
underneath. B and Steve each have nice goals. 
And I'm not just saying that because I 
assisted on both of them.

#2 No #2 star awarded in tie where we 
snatch defeat from the jaws of victory 
with 3.5 seconds left.

#1 No #1 star awarded in tie. 


Quote of the Night
[A woman has accompanied Petey to the 
game and is watching from the stands.]

Mikey - "So is she a nice girl, or are 
you just using her for sex?"
Petey - "She's a nice girl."
Mikey - "Then why'd you bring her to 
a Spiders game?"
Petey - "She wanted to come."
Mikey - "Then why'd you bring her to 
a Spiders game?"



Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Spiders     7
Metro Fools 5

#3 Petey, Dave, Jeff - Along with Adam they 
had one of the best short-handed shifts in 
Spiders history. All while looking quite 
dapper and gay in red.

#2 Steve, Adam - Steve gets us the jerseys 
that make us look even gayer and pounds 
home at least one, I think maybe two goals. 
Adam nets the very first goal in our new 
unis.

#1 The New Uniforms, B - The New Uniforms 
get a big number one star for somehow 
managing to make us look even gayer than 
we already did, something I didn't think 
possible. B not only looks gayer, he 
scores the first hat trick in new Spiders 
jersey history. 


Quote of the Night
Charlie - "We were fishing last month, 
and Ronnie took a picture 
with my camera and it was just his dick 
up close with his face smiling in the 
background. It was so funny!"

[At this point B gives Charlie a very 
strange look.]

B - "Yeah, there was this time last month, 
I was fucking this guy in the ass. It was 
so funny! It wasn't gay at all!" 







Spring 2008 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

12 - B
11 - Steve
10 - Petey
 8 - Ted
 7 - Dave
 6 - Rich
 5 - Kenny G
 5 - Bryan
 5 - Charlie
 4 - Porn
 4 - Erik
 3 - Adam
 3 - Gary
 2 - Jeff
 1 - Mikey
 1 - Myron Cope


Playoffs
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Natural Disasters   4
Spiders             1

#3 Steve - I guess he gets the only star 
for scoring the only goal.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
None submitted



Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Spiders  4
Wolfpack 4

#3 Kenny G, Bryan - As much as it pains 
me to give Bryan a star two games in a 
row lest he get an inflated sense of ego, 
he did play a strong game and took two 
penalties on the same shift. Kenny G 
forgets the Puck Bag but makes more 
offensive rushes than I've seen him 
do since the 6th grade picnic.

#2 Erik? - I think he had our other goal.

#1 Steve, Ted - Our line had it going 
tonight. I think we each assisted on 
each other's goals. And as B so 
eloquently stated, Steve solidifies 
his place in the Spiders Hall of Fame 
for for placing the order for our new jerseys. 


Quote of the Night
Faggy Guy on the Wolfpack after a skirmish - 
"I'm not afraid of you!"



Saturday, June 14, 2008
Spiders  4
Wolfpack 1

#3 Porn - Another strong game.

#2 Bryan, Petey - Petey chips in a nice goal, and 
Bryan with a helluva nice shot on a breakaway.  Even 
though we'll never hear the end of it...

#1 Steve - Tears himself away from watching the 
U.S. Open long enough to score two goals.


Quote of the Night
Porn - "You owe me $25, Bryan!"
Petey - "Was that for a blowjob?"
Charlie - "If you were gonna have anyone on the 
team blow you, it should be Gary.  It'd last 
three hours, just like his shifts."



Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Pittsburgh Fire 8
Spiders         0

#3 Porn - A goaltender who gives up eight 
doesn't normally get a star, but Porn gets 
props for facing an unholy barage of shots.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
Someone, I think it was B - "Charlie, 
you had a lot of chances tonight."
Charlie - "I don't even want to talk 
about it. There was that one down in 
front, the time I got slashed, then 
the goalie made the save..."
Porn - "I thought you said you 
didn't want to talk about it."



Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Ko Sports 4
Spiders   3

-#3 Porn - For getting poked in the eye 
and missing the game, leaving us without 
a goaltender two hours before faceoff. 
How many times do we have to tell you, 
don't look through the glory hole before 
you start sucking. That's how you get a 
scratched cornea. And eye syphillis.

#3 Kenny G - Takes a hard shot to the 
finger that leaves it a bloody mess. We 
may have to amputate. From the neck down.

#2 Ted, Dave - Ted with a goal and an 
assist, plus firey motivational speeches 
before the game and on the bench. Dave 
scores a nice goal on the backhand to 
impress his new girlfriend.

#1 Charlie - Even though he gave up a 
goal on a shot that originated in Madison 
Square Garden and which ended up being the 
difference in the game, we have to give 
him credit for suiting up and standing 
(the operative word being "standing") 
between the pipes. 


Quote of the Night
[Charlie is surrounded by about 
five guys helping him put on Porn's 
goalie equipment.]

Mikey - "Charlie looks like a bride 
getting fitted for her wedding gown."



Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Spiders         5
Pittsburgh Fire 3

#3 Ted, Erik, Jeff, Kenny G, Bryan, Petey - 
Ted just a very strong game all around. D 
plays well against our strongest opposition 
this season. Petey takes a viscious two-handed 
high stick to the head, on the bench, from his 
brother, and lives to tell the tale.

#2 Steve - On the scoresheet for the second 
game in a row, and he had the good sense to sit 
in section E-11 for Game 2 last week.

#1 Adam - Bags the hat trick. Although it was 
a little faggy keeping the puck to frame and 
hang on your mantle. 


Quote of the Night
Mikey - "I'd like to see Pete and Dave 
go at it."
Charlie (I think. Maybe it was Ted.) - "Yeah, 
two faggots fighting."
Porn - "Are you kidding? If those two fought 
it would be a tickle fight."



Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Spiders  8
Iceholes 3

#3 Erik, Bryan, Jeff, Porn - Ok, so we did 
play a team with no subs and a 300lb sumo 
wrestler defenseman who looked like he was 
about five seconds away from a massive 
coronary halfway through the first period, 
but still, a very solid effort from the 
defensive corps. Although I could have 
done without that garbage goal 
we gave up with five seconds left.

#2 Steve, B, Kenny G, Dave - Ok, B it's 
expected. Steve, when he bothers to show 
up, scores now and again. Plus, that extra 
tight jersey he was wearing really showed 
off his rock hard nipples.  But Dave and 
Kenny G?! Those bastards haven't scored 
since the eighth grade picnic. Must have 
been a full moon tonight or something.

#1 Gary - Two goals on one shift?! Gary's 
new nickname: "La Machine." 


Quote of the Night
Rich - "Can you get the highlights of 
the Pens' game on your phone, Pete?"
Petey - "I suppose, if I was so inclined. 
Why, can't you get it on your phone?"
Mikey - "His phone is full of porn."
Steve - "Well, play that."
Mikey - "It's gay porn."
Steve - "Well, play that."



Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Spiders   5 
Ko Sports 3

#3 Petey - Our other goal, even though his new 
girlfriend wasn't in attendance to witness it. 
If Mrs. Petey's Girlfriend reads the website, 
here's a recap: It was amazing. He skated 
around all five players on the other team, 
plus all of the players on the bench, the 
zamboni driver, the janitor, and three drunk 
guys in the bar. From there he jumped at the 
blue line, did a 360° in air, faked the 
goaltender out of his jockstrap, nothing but net.

#2 Ted - The game-winner off of an assist by 
yours truly.

#1 B - With the H-T. I think we're going to 
rename the "#1 Star" to "B's Star." 


Quote of the Night
Pete - "You're awfully quiet over there, B."
B - "I'm just admiring Mikey's outfit. He looks 
like a 12 year old with sugar deficiency."



Monday, March 10, 2008
Spiders      8 
Knuckleheads 3

#3 Dave - Showing up just in time for the drop of 
the puck (at the start of the third period) was 
the spark we needed!  Or perhaps being fortunate 
enough to play two periods without you was the 
spark we needed.  Oh, and those of you complaining 
about not getting stars for playing good D.  Well, 
start playing good D and maybe you'll start 
getting stars...

#2 Charlie, Pete - Charlie is turning into a 
scoring machine.  Not only does Petey score a goal 
to impress his new girlfriend watching in 
the bar, he also has her bring a friend with big 
boobs and heroine for his brother.

#1 Rich, B - Two goals apiece.  Rich threatening 
to run away with the Bryan/Rich Scoring Race.  B 
won't miss class to play at the Arena, but 
will skip for a league game.  That's dedication.


Quote of the Night
Mikey - "Petey, are you going to get a shower, or 
are you going to make your new girlfriend go down on 
you smelling like that?"
Porn - "You know what girls really like?  Licking a 
dirty asshole.  So get in there and take a shit, 
Pete."
Ted - "What do you mean 'girls like it?'  Hell, I 
like it!"



Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Spiders           4 
Natural Disasters 2

#3 Myron Cope, Mikey - Myron, because, well, yoi! 
Me, because while I didn't give myself a star for 
a goal last week, I think I deserve a number three 
for scoring on the backhand, while prone on the ice, 
with a rabid badger gnawing on my jugular vein, with 
no skates, in a snowstorm. And no, Bryan, you don't 
get a star for that weak ass cheese of an empty net 
goal you "scored."

#2 Porn, B - Porn almost got knocked down to a three 
just because of that incredibly gay ringtone on his 
phone, but otherwise a great game. B, on the other 
hand, we EXPECT a gay ringtone on his phone. I agree 
with you B, the Village People rock! Oh, and you did 
have a nice goal.

#1 Petey - Undefeated as captain AND the game winning 
goal directly off of the faceoff. 


Quote of the Night
B - "If we had a team highlight video, there'd be no 
game action, it would all be gay and dick jokes in 
the locker room."



Sunday, February 10, 2008
Spiders 4
Beavers 3

#3 Petey - Our new captain gets a star for leading 
his team into their first battle and coming away 
victorious. Oh captain, my captain! P.S. Your socks 
don't match.

#2 Dave, B - Each with a goal apiece, Dave almost 
had a few more with some nice chances.

#1 Rich - With the game winner late in the third. 
He now leads Bryan in the scoring race. 


Quote of the Night
Charlie - "We need a black guy on our team."







Summer 2007 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

12 - James
12 - Petey
11 - Bryan
10 - Bryan's Brother
10 - Dave
10 - Rich
 8 - Steve
 8 - B
 7 - Gary
 6 - Kenny G
 6 - Mikey
 5 - Porn
 5 - Jeff
 3 - Ted
 2 - Mike S
 1 - Adam
 1 - Jess


Playoffs - Championship
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Beavers 4
Spiders 2

#3 Petey, Kenny G, Jeff, Bryan, Ted, Dave, Steve, 
Gary, Porn, Adam, B - We all deserve stars for the 
valiant effort we put forth against against the 
Upper St. Clair varsity squad.

#2 Rich, Mikey - Our goal scorers.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 

Quote of the Night
Rich - "How can we get Bryan to score more tonight?"
Porn - "Tell him he can light a menorah candle for each 
goal he gets."



Playoffs - Championship
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Spiders 6
Beavers 1

#3 Petey, Kenny G, Jeff, Mikey - Petey with a 
couple of assists. Kenny G plays well in his 
first game since the Carter Administration. 
Jeff with a solid game. Me? Well, I did have 
one goal.

#2 Rich, Steve - Our other goal scorers, as 
I recall.

#1 B, Porn - B with the hat trick, Porn 
only lets in one in a strong performance. 


Quote of the Night
B - "So, Petey, you didn't bring your fans 
with you tonight."
Mikey - "Yeah, why do you always bring 
guys to watch you play?"
Steve - "I got this one, I got this one: 
BECAUSE HE'S A HOMOSEXUAL!"



Playoffs - Championship
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Beavers 7
Spiders 4

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 Dave, James - Dave with two goals in one shift, 
although he was only a plus one. James with two 
in his last game as a Spider.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night
Rich - "If we move to Ice Castle, I can't play 
there. I can show up, but I can't play."



Playoffs
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Spiders   6
Ko Sports 5

#3 Porn - Despite playing his first game in months, 
with a broken hand, a broken ankle, and a raging 
case of syphilis, he manages to post a win.

#2 B, Bryan, Steve - Our other goal scorers.

#1 James, Rich - James takes two penalties, but 
still manages to light the lamp a couple times. 
Rich with the game winner. 


Quote of the Night
Mikey - "Since Kenny G isn't here, we don't have 
any pucks."
B - "I have one."
Bryan - "One is more than zero."



Thursday, August 2, 2007
Spiders                6
Coaches Against Cancer 3

#3 Craig - Another solid performance 
in what was probably his last game 
as a Spider.

#2 Gary - Like Dave said, your best 
game yet.

#1 James - A bunch o'goals. 


Quote of the Night
Toss-up between the two players from 
Coaches Against Cancer screaming at each 
other and the one player from CAC 
getting thrown out for telling the ref 
to fuck off.



Saturday, July 28, 2007
Spiders    3
Killer B's 1

Tonight, in commemoration of our tenth 
anniversary, the Three Stars are all 
honorary:

#3 All the Current Spiders - Those who 
played tonight, exactly 3,652 days 
(including leap years) after our first 
game, Steve, B, Pete, Dave, Rich, Adam, 
Bryan, Jeff, Craig, James. And kudos to 
Area 51, who put in a guest appearance, 
having walked all the way from Minnesota, 
in a snowstorm, with no shoes, uphill, 
both ways, just to be a part of the big 
celebration. The pictures he took will 
be posted shortly.

#2 All the Original Spiders - Everyone 
present at the start of this wacky ten 
year (and counting) odyssey. Special 
mention goes out to Kenny G, who would 
have joined me at number one, but wussed 
out to attend his son's birthday party. 
Extra special recognition to Tracy, 
without whom I'd never have joined the 
team. She's gone but not forgotten.

#1 Mikey - For being the only person 
in both catagories. I even wore my 
original grey mesh jersey. 


Quote of the Night
[In the bar, Area 51 asks a guy to 
take a picture of the entire Spiders 
group.]

B - "Some guy in a bar, just wants to 
drink some beers and bang his chick. 
Instead, he ends up taking pictures of 
a bunch of queers. But hey, life is 
like that, it takes funny turns."



Saturday, July 21, 2007
Spiders                3
Coaches Against Cancer 2

#3 Kenny G - Gets a third star for making 
it through his first game as a 40 year 
old.  Now you kids get the hell 
off of his lawn!

#2 Craig - Great game in goal, as usual.

#1 James - Hat trick.


Quote of the Night
[The Spiders score, but those of us on 
the bench are too quiet for Bryan's 
tastes.]

Bryan - "C'mon, we just scored!  Make some 
noise!"
Petey - "I was banging my stick."
Mikey - "Yeah, and I was slapping my dick 
against the boards."
Pete - "So that's why we didn't hear 
anything."

[Ten minutes later...]

Dave - "So that was that sound like a pin dropping?"




Sunday, July 8, 2007
Recchin' Balls 4 OT
Spiders        3

#3 James? - Did I get your name right?  New guy 
gets a star, plus he had a goal.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in a loss where we snap 
defeat from the jaws of victory, giving up 
the tying goal with 40 seconds left then 
losing in overtime.


Quote of the Night

Something about Rich slowing down and consequently 
going backwards.




Friday, June 29, 2007
Spiders   2
Ko Sports 1

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Quote of the Night

Bryan - "Rich is nothing without me."
Pete - "That's pretty gay."
Bryan - "Nah, I just like givin' it to him."
Mikey - "That's even gayer."



Friday, June 22, 2007
Recchin' Balls 5
Spiders        3

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Quote of the Night

None submitted.




Sunday, June 10, 2007
Spiders    4
Killer B's 2

#3 Jeff - Nice play on D.

#2 Craig - Another great game in goal.

#1 Petey, Gary, Bryan, Dave - Our goal scorers, 
'nuff said.


Quote of the Night

Mikey - "Kenny's been making the same mistake since we were 
kids."
Petey - "What's that?  Going after guys?"
Mikey -"Why is that a mistake?"




Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Spiders 6
Beavers 1

[NOTE: In my absence, tonight's Three Stars are 
brought to you by Kenny G.]

#3 The Muck and Grind line - Gary, Rich 
and Jess. Line 2 confused the Beavers with 
their cruise control skating, running into 
each other to confuse the Beavers, and of 
course hi-pitch screaming. She's back!

#2 The Dept of Defense - Craig, Bryan, Jeff, 
Ted, Ken - Craig didn't have to face to much 
again, except the goal he gave up while he was 
staring at the blonde in the stands. Defense 
came up big when needed.

#1 The Git-R-Done Line - B, Dave, Petey. 
Responsible for most, if not all the goals. 
GRD was patient against the Beavers all night, 
even taking time to make sure all 3 were 
involved in a goal in front of the net which 
included the puck hitting Petey up high. 


Quote of the Night
Ken to Petey when we noticed the hot blonde 
talking to a member of the Beavers...
Ken - "Why don't you ever bring women who look 
like that to the game?"
Petey - "I do, but they always leave with 
someone from the other team..." 



Sunday, May 27, 2007
Spiders   7
Ko Sports 0

#3 Mike S, Dave, Steve, Petey, Bryan - The 
first four each had one goal, Bryan gets 
a star for his contribution of bringing 
his brother along to play in goal. Special 
kudos go to Petey for banking one into the 
net from behind the goal line off the back 
of the goaltender's nutsack, and to Dave 
for scoring his first goal Anno Domini.

#2 Mikey - Hat trick baby, hat trick.

#1 Bryan's Brother - We normally give 
rookies stars in their first games anyhow, 
but this guy actually tossed a shutout in 
his Spiders debut. 


Quote of the Night
[Bryan, on setting up Petey on a nice 
play right in front of the net.]
Bryan - "That was your Christmas present right 
there."
Petey - "I didn't know Jews celebrated Christmas."



Saturday, May 19, 2007
Beaver  8
Spiders 6

-#3 B, Porn - Negative stars to you 
two for not playing this season due 
to your torrid homosexual love affair.

#3 Mikey, Kenny G, Mike S - Last game I 
gave myself a star for making it through 
my first game as a 40 year old with 
all major organ systems intact. This 
time it's for scoring my first goal 
in my fifth decade. Kenny G for making 
three saves as a psuedo-hybrid-goalie- 
defensive person type guy. Of course he 
also let two weak ones go right by him. 
Still, it's better than he ever did 
playing street hockey when we were kids 
with two pieces of foam rubber bungee-
corded to his legs.  Ken's new nickname: 
The Green Weenie.  Mike S, just a 
really solid game.

#2 Rich, Steve, Bryan - Scorin' some goals.

#1 Petey - Normally #1 stars aren't 
awarded in a loss, but considering we 
would have won if we'd had a goaltender, 
we'll give Petey a star for scoring two 
goals. 


Quote of the Night
Mikey - "Ok, with a minute left, let's 
pull our goaltender."







Winter 2007 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

8 - B
6 - NewMike
5 - Ted
4 - Steve
4 - Mikey
3 - Petey
3 - Bryan
3 - Adam
3 - Porn
2 - Gary
1 - Rich
1 - Dave
1 - Horatio
1 - Aloisius


Thursday, April 19, 2007
Ko Sports 3
Spiders   2

#3 Mikey - I'm giving myself an honorary 
third star for completing my first game as 
a 40 year old and not having anything break, 
fall off, or smell funny.

#2 B, Whoever Had Our Second Goal, Ted - 
Unless Ted had our second goal, in which 
case he only gets a single #2 star. See, 
I am getting senile in my old age.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
Lots of pretenders to the throne this week, 
but nothing that stood out as worthy of being 
immortalized as a Quote of the Night.



Saturday, April 7, 2007
Spiders   4
Killer B' 3

-#3 Wrong Way Petey - Lining up to take the 
draw on the wrong side of the dot. The Monads 
hate you. You are dead to me.

#3 Porn - Gave up three, but also made some 
really nice saves.

#2 B - Nice goal and a helluva pass to set 
me up. Returning my favor from last week, eh?

#1 Adam - A new black helmet and two goals. 
Coincidence? I think not. 


Quote of the Night
Bryan - "I had my mother on two different 
phone lines trying to buy Pens playoff tickets 
last week."
Porn - "I had your mother on the third line."



Monday, March 26, 2007
Spiders   3
Ko Sports 3

#3 B - Nice goal. Who made that great 
pass to set you up?

#2 Porn - Some amazing saves, especially 
in the third and in OT to preserve the 
tie.

#1 Ted - A beauty of a goal to tie it 
up late in the third. I think you had 
the first goal too, didn't you? 


Quote of the Night
I heard there was a prolonged and 
protracted discussion of anal sex before 
the game, but since I was late, I missed 
it. Oh, damn.



Sunday, March 18, 2007
Meadows 11
Spiders  3

#3 B, Rich, NewMike - Our goal scorers in a 
losing effort. We just couldn't overcome the 
glaring lack of Hus Factor.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Quote of the Night
[Porn is in the lobby talking to B's wife as 
B's wife comments on the fact that B is 
taking forever to get dressed and get out of 
the locker room.]

B's Wife - "Somebody shove a hockey stick up Brendan's ass."
Porn - "He's already got two up there."



Sunday, March 11, 2007
Spiders     7
Wild Things 5

#3 No #3 star awarded. Because I'd have given 
it to myself, and I'd feel too guilty giving 
myself a star two weeks in a row.

#2 Gary - Nice goal.

#1 Steve - Two goals, plus he unselfishly set 
me up for an empty netter which I promptly 
shot wide. 


Quote of the Night
Quiet night.  Nothing worthy uttered.



Thursday, March 1, 2007
Spiders 12
Beavers  4

#3 Dave, B, Mikey - Dave gets a star and a goal 
in his first game back, B had at least one that 
I saw, Kenny G gave me permission to give myself 
a third star for having a pair of goals myself, 
including the 1300th goal in Spiders history.

#2 NewMike - Solid game.  And maybe you'll get a 
profile someday.

#1 Bryan - Despite having four goals, you almost 
lost the #1 star by scoring on a breakaway when 
we were up by seven goals with about two minutes 
left, but again thank Kenny G, he said not to hold 
that one against you, consider it your revenge for 
taking that hit in the corner.

Quote of the Night
Dave - "Aren't you going to say anything 
about my return?"
Mikey - "You were gone?"



Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Metro Fools 5
Spiders     0

#3 Steve, B - Steve gets a star for being able 
to count to five without having to take off 
his gloves. B gets a contingency star. If this 
does turn out to be his last game of the season, 
we want to send him off in style, in full 
recognition of his celebrated accomplishments 
as a Spider.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Quote of the Night
[Rich, commenting on how his line got called for too 
many men on the ice when all three of them jumped 
out on the ice before I came off, and then Steve 
went out when I finally did make it to the 
bench.]

Rich - "At least you're not my man."
Mikey - "But I can always dream..."



Sunday, January 28, 2007
Bargoyles 3
Spiders   2

#3 Horatio, Aloisius - As usual, new guys always 
get stars as a welcome to the team, and as 
usual, I never remember their names.

#2 Mikey - Kenny G said I could give myself 
a #2 for having both of our goals tonight, 
especially that one-time off the boards from 
a tough angle. The other shot was so slow I 
still don't think it's crossed the goal line. 

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Quote of the Night
Somebody - "My equipment is cold!"
Somebody Else - "Put it under the blower."
Jess - "Porn's right over there."


Monday, January 15, 2007
Ko Sports W by FF
Spiders 

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Quote of the Night
None submitted.



Sunday, January 7, 2007
Meadows 6
Spiders 3

#3 DefensemanMike, The Meaty One - Ok, SteveC is 
responsible for naming these guys as stars.  I'm 
not sure if it's because of their play on the 
ice, or the hot, sweaty man-sex they had in the 
showers afterwards, Steve didn't say.  Either way, 
I'm glad I wasn't there...

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

Quote of the Night
None submitted.







Fall 2006 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

16 - B
13 - Petey
12 - Porn
10 - NewMike
 6 - Bryan
 5 - Rich
 5 - Kenny G
 5 - Adam
 4 - Charlie
 3 - JustinRentAGoalie
 3 - Steve
 3 - Ted
 1 - DJ
 1 - Mikey
 1 - NewGuy Three
 1 - SubGoaliePersonGuy


Playoffs
Wednesday, December 27
Meadows 5
Spiders 4

#3 Mikey, Kenny G, Ted - I only get a #3 because 
after scoring to tie it I made the giveaway that 
led to the Meadows' fifth goal.  Kenny G and Ted 
get threes because they were late!

#2 B, Charlie, Petey, Porn, Bryan, Adam - A great 
effort from all in a losing cause.  Good season 
everyone, we'll get 'em next year.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Playoffs
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Meadows 4
Spiders 2

#3 Porn - Some good saves to keep us in it.

#2 B, Charlie - The goal scorers.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Playoffs

Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Spiders    5
Killer B's 0

#3 Steve, DJ - Steve for walking into the locker 
room straight off of the cover of GQ.  DJ for 
being a pool shark.

#2 Petey, Bryan - Our other two goal scorers?  
Did I miss anyone?

#1 B, Porn - I think B had three and I know 
Porn tossed the goose egg.


Sunday, December 3, 2006
Spiders     11
Wild Things  2

#3 Kenny G - Gets recognition for his desperate 
attempts to score a goal.  I don't think I've 
ever seen him skate behind the offensive net 
before.  Now we know what to get him for Xmas: 
a GPS system so he can find his way back 
to the blue line...

#2 Pete, Bryan, Adam, Porn - Petey had one nice 
goal, but then he pissed off the Monads and 
spent the rest of the night hitting posts and 
missing empty nets.  Bryan nets a couple.  
Adam converts a nice pass (from me!).  Porn 
wasn't challenged all that much, but came through 
with some big saves when he was.

#1 B - Four almost identical goals.


Monday, November 27, 2006
Spiders     10
Wild Things  7

No stars at all awarded in this pitiful 
turd of a win against a team that had 
to play with no frickin' goalie for 
the entire game.


Sunday, November 12, 2006
Spiders 3
Jacks   3

#3 ???

#2 ???

#1 ???


Friday, November 10, 2006
Spiders     7 OT
Metro Fools 6

#3 ???

#2 ???

#1 ??? [ED. NOTE: Kenny G tried to give me the 
number one star because they had some new 
guy use my number in my absence and he scored 
lots of goals.  Given the circumstances, I 
respectfully decline this star. -Mikey]


Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Metro Fools 4
Spiders     3

#3 Porn - Playing his first game since his 
sex change operation.

#2 NewMike - A couple key goals to keep 
us in the game.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Friday, October 13, 2006
Spiders    3
Killer B's 2

#3 Ted - Good effort at both ends of the rink.

#2 Petey - Because B said so.

#1 JustinRentAGoalie, Rich - Goalie comes 
up big when we need it, Richie gets the 
game winning goal. 


Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Spiders 3
Meadows 2

#3 SubGoaliePersonGuy - Some good saves.

#2 Petey - Nice shot just inside the post.

#1 NewMike - Two goals in one shift.


Tuesday, September 28, 2006
Spiders 6
Jack's  1

#3 Adam, Steve - Stars on general principle.  
Good effort.

#2  Porn - We will give you a second star 
tonight because you did only give up one, 
it wasn't really your fault, and 
you were drunk off your ass.

#1 B, Kenny G, NewMike - All scoring goals, 
even Kenny G.


Sunday, September 17, 2006
Spiders    7
Killer B's 1

#3 Porn - Only gave up one.  On the ice, 
anyhow.

#2  Rich, NewMike - Richie, you shot was 
actually moving backward it was so slow.  
Another New Guy goal.

#1 B, Petey - B reclaims his spot atop 
the leaderboard.  Petey So Meaty 
bangs in two.  Goals.


Sunday, September 10, 2006
Meadows 3
Spiders 2

#3 New Guy Two, New Guy Three - New Guys 
get stars in their first game as per our 
bylaws.  I'll learn your names eventually.

#2  New Guy One, Steve - Our goal scorers.  
Steve, way to follow up and stay with it 
on my botched breakaway.  

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.







Summer 2006 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

17 - B
 9 - Kenny G
 9 - Porn
 8 - Mikey
 6 - Bryan
 4 - Dan
 4 - Adam
 3 - Mark
 3 - Rich
 3 - Charlie
 3 - Jess
 3 - DJ
 1 - Steve
 1 - Petey
 1 - Todd


Friday, August 4, 2006
Metro Fools 5
Spiders     3

#3 Porn, Steve - Porn with the fast glove hand.  
All that masturbating finally paid off.  Steve, 
our Yellow Sub(marine).

#2 DJ, B - DJ with a goal and some fantastic 
poke checking along the boards.  All that 
masturbating finally paid off.  B, it's pretty 
much a given you're going to appear on every three 
star list.  As long and you show up and you're 
breathing.  And sometimes even when you're not.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Thursday, July 20, 2006
McMurray Ankle and Foot 3
Spiders                 2

#3 B - Both of our goals.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Thursday, July 13, 2006
Spiders 3
Burgh's 3

#3 DJ - Solid performance in her first game back, 
plus the quote of the night.

#2 Mikey, B - Our goal scorers.

#1 Porn - Some amazing, absolutely amazing saves. 
He just couldn't stop Petey. 


Saturday, July 1, 2006
Spiders    4
Killer B's 3

#3 Mikey - I've been giving myself too many stars 
of late, so I'll only give myself a three for my 
two goal performance.

#2 Rich, Bryan, Dan, Porn - Great effort from 
everyone with yet another short fucking bench.

#1 B, Kenny G - B with the game-winner again, 
Kenny G notches one from the point. 


Thursday, June 29, 2006
Spiders   4
Bargoyles 3

#3 Mikey, Jess, Kenny G - I went one for three on 
breakaways, Jess claims she didn't have the tying 
goal, but replays are inconclusive. If it wasn't 
Jess, it was Kenny G.

#2 Adam - Our other goal.

#1 B - The game-winner with a minute left


Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Wild Things 4
Spiders     3

#3 Petey, Rich, Todd, Porn - We all deserve recognition 
for a herculean effort with such a short bench.

#2 Dan, Kenny G, Mikey, Adam - Kenny G with almost 
another 60 minute performance. This time on the ice. 
Dan, just a great effort, you took B's place tonight 
in his absence. I know I slipped one in despite being 
stoned a half dozen times, but Adam, you had one, 
too, didn't you?

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Tuesday, June 6, 2006
Golden Bears 7
Spiders      4

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Thursday, June 1, 2006
Spiders                 7
McMurray Foot and Ankle 4

#3 Kenny G - Gutsy performance.

#2 Charlie, Porn - Charlie with the empty-netter, 
Porn with several key saves.

#1 B, Mark, Bryan - Two goals apiece from each. 


Thursday, May 25, 2006
Burgh's 3
Spiders 1

#3 Mikey, Bryan, Charlie - B set me up on a beauty 
of a pass for our only goal.  I finally beat that 
fuckin' goaltender.  Damn, he's good.  New guys 
get stars to welcome them to the team.  I'll have your 
profiles ready to edit sometime in the next day or two.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Thursday, May 18, 2006
Spiders    6
Killer B's 3

#3 Mikey - I'm gonna give myself a three for having two.  
Do the math.  But damn, I should have had about five...

#2 Jess, Kenny G - Jess scores the first goal of the season!  I 
heard it bounced in off of both of her boobs, but I didn't see 
it because I was still in the locker room givin' it a rub.  
Kenny G, looks like he's got his mojo back.  That 60 minutes 
last week kicked him into gear.

#1 B - We're running out of superlatives to describe your play.  We may 
have to make like the Sprint commercial and construct a Wheel of 
Adjectives.  Tonight B's play was...transcendent!







Spring 2006 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

22 - B
15 - Porn
14 - Petey
11 - Mikey
 8 - Kenny G
 7 - Rich
 7 - Dave
 7 - Dan
 6 - Doug
 6 - Steve
 5 - Adam
 2 - Jess
 2 - Kramer
 2 - Jason
 1 - DJ
 1 - Todd


Playoffs - Championship
Tuesday, May 9, 2006
Burgh's 3
Spiders 0

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 Kenny G, B, Mikey, Dave, Adam, Porn, Petey, 
Rich - A short bench because of all the bastards 
and sons of bitches who didn't bother to show up 
for the freakin' championship, a fantastic effort 
from all in a losing cause. Kenny G deserves 
special merit for playing all 60 minutes. He'll 
feel it in the morning. Of course how is that 
different from any other morning? B, you da man. 
Hopefully marriage won't slow you down. We bid 
farewell to Dave as he departs for Europe. We'll
miss you next season, but look forward to seeing 
you again in the fall. Best wishes on your sex 
change. We don't look upon it as losing a teammate, 
we see it as gaining a sister. You go, girl! Adam, 
the resident bull dog. Just lose the blue helmet. 
Porn, you accomplished two major feats, leading us 
back to the championship and you didn't have a 
single herpes breakout all season! Petey, I'd say 
you're our most improved player of the year. Finally 
learning to score. And you had a few goals, too. 
Rich, the wolverine.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Playoffs - Championship
Sunday, May 7, 2006
Burgh's 4
Spiders 1

#3 Adam - Our lone goal scorer.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Playoffs
Tuesday, May 2, 2006
Spiders   5 OT
Bargoyles 4

#3 Adam, Dave - Muckin' and grindin'.

#2 Kenny G, Petey, B, Dan - Our goal 
scorers in regulation.  The best being when 
Kenny G fired the puck in front from deep 
along the goaline and banked it in off of 
a Bargoyles defenseman.  Funny thing is, 
there wasn't a Spider within fifty feet 
of the net when he made the pass.

#1 "Mike Lange here again, as we get set for 
overtime.  This will be the first trip to the 
extra period in franchise history.  Five minutes. 
Four on four.  The winner goes on to start the 
finals on Sunday, the loser goes home.  The 
Spiders go with Mikey, Pete, Kenny G, and Jess 
to start.  Mikey steps in to take the faceoff, 
and we're underway.  The Bargoyles control the 
draw and the puck is forced to the far boards. 
There's a turnover, Mikey takes the puck, bounces 
it off the boards, steps around the defenseman 
and picks it up himself.  Look out, might have 
a chance here.  Down the left wing, top of the 
circle, takes a shot toward the far post, 
HEEEEEEEEE SHOOTS AND SCORES!!!  The Spiders 
win it thirteen seconds into overtime!  And 
ladies and gentlemen Elvis has just left the 
building!"


Sunday, April 30, 2006
Spiders      8
Golden Bears 2

#3 Kenny G, Rich, Steve, Jason, Adam - Kenny G with his best 
play of the season the last two weeks. Rich 
goons it up with two penalties. Steve finding a 
home on the blueline.

#2 Pete, Dan, Bran(?) - Petey misses the empty 
netter last week, but converts on the one-timer 
tonight. Go figure. Fantastic goal on an end to 
end rush by Dan. Also, a nice goal from
 Mr. NewPersonGuy

#1 B, Porn - B playing like a man possessed. 
Porn keeps 'em at two despite being so sick 
that he was this close to shitting himself 
right there in the crease. Of course this 
begs the question of how that's different 
from any other game... 


Sunday, April 23, 2006
Spiders      2
Golden Bears 1

#3 Porn, Dan, Kenny G - With another couple of games 
like tonight, Porn might just graduate up to a 
second star one of these days. Dan, welcome 
back. Kenny G, inspired play, great effort.

#2 Pete - Even though he missed an empty net goal 
from the crease, we give him credit for stealing 
B's goal and taking tons of abuse. From us.

#1 Porn - All seriousness aside, an amazing 
performance. Knowing how motivated you were to 
earn a number one, maybe I should have held off 
on awarding it to you until the playoffs. 


Monday, April 17, 2006
Bargoyles 3
Spiders   2

#3 Porn, Pete, Steve - Porn kept us close with some 
nice saves, Pete was settin' 'em up all night, even 
if we couldn't convert, Steve with some good play 
on D, not his natural position.

#2 B - He's fast becoming the New Red. Except that 
he doesn't start fights with the refs or wear 
matching orange socks and pasties.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Sunday, April 9, 2006
Spiders    5
Killer B's 2

#3 Kenny G, Dave, Pete, Rich, Jason, Porn, 
Adam, Todd, Steve - It was like the difference between 
night and day, last Thursday and tonight.  From 
skating in quicksand to skating in overdrive. 
Our best effort thus far this season, IMHO.

#2 Mikey - Fuck yinz, I had my second hat trick 
of the season, I'm givin' myself something.  
The universe owes me a crumb.

#1 B - Two big goals, some nice moves, inspired 
play all around.


Thursday, April 6, 2006
Burgh's 6
Spiders 2

#3 Dave, DJ, Doug, Jess, Kenny G, Porn, Steve - While 
I'm not normally one to give stars to bastards and 
bitches who don't show up, everyone who entered a 
profile gets a star tonight, whether they were at the 
game or not.  After slaving over a hot computer for 
hours, working my fingers to the bone, it's nice to 
know some people appreciate the effort.

#2 B, Pete - Our goal scorers tonight.  Plus, Petey 
gets special recognition for having had the most gay 
cowboys login to view his profile this week.  39.  
Nobody else had more than 33.  Way to go Pete!

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Sunday, March 26, 2006
Bargoyles 4
Spiders   2

#3 Porn, Dave - Some really nice saves, kept the game 
as close as it was. Dave for finally procuring a 
set of aesthetically pleasing socks. Only took ya five 
damn years

#2 B, Doug - B with a nice breakaway goal (even 
if he does hate the refs), Doug scores on a 
2 on 1.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Metro Fools 4
Spiders     1

3 Kenny G, Porn - They get stars for being such 
pussies about not getting stars last game.

#2 Whoever Had Our Goal - Christ, 
I can't find it.  The hell with it! 
(Dave informs me that it was B who did it.  
In the library.  With the candlestick.)

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Sunday, March 12, 2006
Spiders    6
Killer B's 2

#3 Steve, Pete, Dave, Jess - Steve with some great 
passes, Petey getting the hands, Dave with some solid 
play after being pressed into service on the blueline, 
Jess with the good positioning.

#2 B, Dan, Rich - Goals, setups, passes, D, 
the complete packages.

#1 Mikey - H-T bay-bee.  Must have been the new 
stick.  I actually scored the first one off of my 
shaft.  Ow, did that hurt!  B gave me permission to 
give myself a #1 star.


Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Spiders     5
Metro Fools 2

#3 B - Amazing goal, some sweet stickhandling moves.

#2 Mikey - After not doing dick last season, this 
makes four goals in two games. And I didn't take a 
penalty to fuck it up this week.

#1 Doug, Porn - Doug also with two goals tonight, 
Porn with some fantastic glove hand saves. 


Thursday, February 16, 2006
Burgh's 5
Spiders 4

-#3 Mikey - Ok, I had two goals, including our first 
of the season, I made a couple of nice passes to B, 
but this loss is on me. I haven't had a penalty in 
five seasons, yet somehow get called for one with 
two minutes left in a tie game. I think it was a 
bogus call, but nonetheless, it was my penalty on 
which they scored to win the game. My bad, guys, 
sorry.

#3 Petey, B, Steve - Pete with the goal off of his 
skate, Steve and B with some good positional play.

#2 Rich - Excellent game and a goal, bravo.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 







Fall 2005 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

24 - Red
13 - B
 8 - New GoaliePersonGuy
 8 - Doug
 7 - Dan
 7 - Jason
 7 - Dave
 6 - Mikey
 4 - BlueHelmetGuy
 4 - Steve
 4 - Petey
 4 - Rich
 3 - Jess
 3 - GC
 2 - Kenny G
 1 - DJ
 1 - Bobby Orr's Testicles


Thursday, February 9, 2006
Playoffs - Championship Game Two
Ko Sports 7
Spiders   1

#3 Doug, Dan, Steve, Petey, Red, Jess, Jim, 
Jason, Adam, Mikey, Rich, B, Red, Todd - 
Great season, guys.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, February 7, 2006
Playoffs - Championship Game One
Ko Sports 8
Spiders   6

#3 Doug, Dan, Steve, Petey

#2 B, Dave - Some nice passwork, good 
communication on the ice.

#1 Red - Head and shoulders above


Thursday, February 2, 2006
Playoffs - Round One
Spiders 8
Burgh's 4

#3 Doug - Very solid game.

#2 B, Dan, Jim - B and Dan with the passes, 
rushes, and goals, Jim some great saves.

#1 Red - Despite the penalty, a command 
performance.


Saturday, January 21, 2006
Spiders   7
Ko Sports 2

#3 Bobby Orr's Testicles - Self explanatory.

#2 Red, B, Dave, Steve - Red would have been 
a #1 except for that little scrum at the end. 
B with another solid game, we won't hold those 
breakaways against you. Dave with some good 
setups. Steve anchors his line.

#1 Dan - Welcome back. 


Saturday, January 14, 2006
Spiders    7
Killer B's 6

#3 Mikey - Ok, can I give myself a star? I did 
setup B twice, including once prone on the ice, 
and also made the pass to Red for the winning goal. 
Or would it be an abuse of power?

#2 Jason - A very solid performance on D. Even if 
his favorite movie is Brokeback Mountain. Everyone 
knows La Cage aux Folles is much better.

#1 B, Red - Two great games from two great players. 
Good positioning, great shots, following up on plays. 
And Red with the game winner with under ten seconds 
to play. 


Saturday, January 7, 2006
Spiders   6
Ice Hawks 2

#3 Petey - Would have been a #1 or a #2 if he could 
have converted his second breakaway. He was so open 
that second time that he just got too excited, and 
as we can all attest, even Jess, it's tough to shoot 
with a woody.

#2 Red - Almost another Gordie Howe Hat Trick. 
Multiple goals, multiple assists (including setting 
me up for a beauty), but not really a true fight. 
Not that Matt didn't want to drop the gloves a few 
times.

#1 GC - "Glass Cleaner." By consensus vote, the 
girl up at Jay's with the flesh colored, tight, 
form fitting shirt who spent the better part of two 
periods rubbing her breasts against the windows. We're 
surprised she didn't cut holes in the glass, what with 
her nipples being so hard and all... 


Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Spiders   7
Bargoyles 6

#3 DJ - Great play in her first game of 
the season.

#2 B, Dave - Good games from both, Dave 
with a fine effort in his first game back 
since that raging case of syphillis that 
had him sidelined for the last eight months.

#1 Red - With the "Gordie Howe Hat Trick." 


Thursday, December 15, 2005
Burgh's 5
Spiders 1

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Thursday, December 8, 2005
Spiders W by FF
Burgh's 

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 Rich, Red, Mikey, GoaliePersonGuy, BlueHelmetGuy,
Jason - Those of us who braved the weather all get 
#1 stars for our dedication.  The rest of you 
pussies get no such accolades.


Saturday, November 26, 2005
Bargoyles 10
Spiders    6

#3 Doug, Red, Kenny G - Kenny G, despite not even
being at the  game, gets a retroactive star from 
last week because he scored a goal but didn't 
receive credit.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Friday, November 18, 2005
Ko Sports 4
Spiders   1

#3 Doug, B, Petey, Jess - Good games from all, Petey 
So Meaty shines on D.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Sunday, November 6, 2005
Spiders   7
Ice Hawks 5

#3 Jess - She gets a star for setting me up with a 
beautiful pass.  I get a breakaway from the red 
line in, and of course I shoot it into the parking lot.

#2 Red - Some nice moves even with the injured knee.

#1 Doug - With the hat trick.


Sunday, October 23, 2005
Killer B's 3
Spiders    1

#3 Red, Dan

#2 New GoaliePersonGuy

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.







Summer 2005 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

14 - Big Red
12 - Dan
11 - Doug
 7 - SteveC
 7 - B
 7 - Stevie
 6 - Mikey
 5 - Jess
 4 - Jason
 4 - Kenny G
 4 - Mark
 3 - Rich
 3 - CJ
 2 - Squill


Saturday, October 1, 2005
Spiders    10
Killer B's  0

3 B, Stevie - B with 2 goals, Stevie tosses 
the shutout.

#2 Mikey - Yeah, yeah, I know, giving myself 
stars again, but I did have the H-T bay-bee.

#1 Red - Five goals to round out the scoring. 


Friday, September 23, 2005
Spiders   7
Ice Hawks 5

#3 Doug - Another fine effort.

#2 B - Some nice moves and passes.

#1 Red - A couple of big goals, including that one 
with about .7 seconds left in the period.


Friday, September 16, 2005
Spiders   8
Bargoyles 5


#3 Mikey - Ok, I don't usually give myself 
stars, but I thought my goals were pretty nice.  

#2 Dan - Solid effort all night.

#1 Doug, Jess - Doug now two weeks in a row 
at number one, you musta been about 80% on 
faceoffs tonight.  Jess, a fantastic goal 
scored from behind the net, and as if 
that weren't enough, an articulate and 
arousing verbal description of breasts.  
Or at least nipples and areolas.


Thursday, September 8, 2005
Spiders 8
Burgh's 2

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 Dan, Red 

#1 Doug - Just a great game all around.


Friday, September 2, 2005
Ko Sports 5
Spiders   2

-#3 Mikey - for not updating the site until the day of 
our next game. 

#2 Dan

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Friday, August 26, 2005
Spiders    12
Killer B's  2

#3 Stevie - Ok, you let that one in, but a solid 
game all around.

#2 Kenny G, Red - Ol' #67 pumps one in, and Red, 
as Mario would say, "continues to play at a high 
level."

#1 Rich, SteveC - Multiple goals, weird angles, 
quite a night.


Friday, August, 19, 2005
Spiders   13
Ice Hawks  5

#3 SteveC, Stevie, Kenny G, Jason, B, 
Mikey, Mark

#2 Squill, Jess

#1 Big Red, CJ, Dan - I can't give a #1 
star to everyone who scored a goal, or 
this list would be ten pages long.


Saturday, August 13, 2005
Spiders   3
Ko Sports 2

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 Stevie, Doug, Dan, Jason, SteveC, Mark, B, Mikey, 
Pete - We all deserve a star for a fantastic effort 
in our first win of the season.


Friday, August 12, 2005
Bargoyles 5
Spiders   3

#3 Stevie, Doug - Stevie stops the penalty shot, 
Doug with a good game and a goal.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Monday, August 8, 2005
Burgh's   6
Spiders   2

#3 The CDI Connection - Kenny G and Big Red with our 
only two goals. Welcome back, Big Red, we expect that 
from you, even if you were playing on a skate held 
together with duct tape and a toliet plunger. Kenny G? 
Guess you just couldn't let your underling outscore 
you on his first night back, eh? Next up: taking 
Control Design Inc. to the top of the Fortune 500!

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.  







Spring 2005 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

11 - B
 8 - Kenny G
 7 - Doug
 7 - SteveC
 5 - Stevie
 5 - Rich
 4 - Jess
 4 - Dan
 4 - Mikey
 3 - Dave
 2 - Frank Sinatra
 1 - DJ
 1 - Pauly
 1 - SubGoaliePersonGuy


Thursday, July 21, 2005
Burgh's   4
Spiders   0

#3 Jess, DJ, Kenny G, Stevie, SteveC, Doug, Rich, Mikey, 
B, Pete - I wouldn't normally give out a star in a 4-0 
loss, but it was a long, difficult season, and we should 
give ourselves credit for just surviving. Better luck 
next time.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Thursday, July 14, 2005
Spiders 6
T Rex   4

#3 INSERT YOUR NAME HERE

#2 Frank Sinatra - If the Man, the Voice, the Chairman 
of the Board, if he can feel so much pain and heartache,
well then, I guess we're all entitled. Here's to ya, pal, 
ring-a-ding-ding.

#1 B - You get this more for passing up the empty net at 
the end than for the four goals your scored during the 
game. Classy move. 


Friday, July 8, 2005
Burgh's 2
Spiders 0

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Thursday, June 30, 2005
Spiders          6
Two for Roughing 3

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 The whole team deserves a star but I'm too depressed 
and lazy to enumerate.


Friday, June 24, 2005
T Rex   5
Spiders 3

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Thursday, June 16, 2005
Burgh's 5
Spiders 2

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 Kenny G - I normally don't give #1 stars in a loss, 
but seeing as how he never used to score goals even 
when he, Johnny (remember him?) and I used to play 
street hockey out in front of our houses back in 10th 
grade, how can I not give him a big ol' star for netting 
TWO in one game?


Thursday, June 9, 2005
Spiders          3
Two for Roughing 2

#3 Stevie, Kenny G - Despite being total bastards for 
missing last week's game, both of you redeemed yourselves 
tonight. Great play in goal and on the blueline. If I had 
a dime for everytime Yoder got poke-checked, I'd have $3.70

#2 Rich, Dan - The other members of the goal scoring line.

#1 Doug, SteveC - Our goal scorers. Including two on one 
shift. Some great plays out there. 


Thursday, June 2, 2005
T Rex   5
Spiders 0

#3 Pauly, Mr. Goaliepersonguydude - Can you tell 
I'm bad with names?  A special guest appearance 
and great effort from Paul.  And to boot, he brings 
his goalie with him.  Thanks for subbing.  Both of you.

#2 Jess - You're probably going to get a star every 
week just because of all the shit you put up with to 
run this team.  Although this week you actually get a 
number two out of sympathy for accidentially dropping 
your cell phone into the waters of Lake Wobegone.  
It's probably driving all the fish crazy with 
its incessant ringing.  Too bad one of the ringtones 
wasn't "Take Me to the River." We all know it was your 
second favorite electronic device.  Look on the bright 
side, at least you didn't lose your number one favorite, 
we'd hate to see how cranky you'd be without your vibrator.

#1 Dave - Not only do you suffer the indignation of 
getting your legs cut out from under you à la Anakin, 
but despite the hospital being only a mile away, you lay 
prone on the ice for twenty minutes, slowly turning into a 
Davesicle, waiting for the paramedics to arrive.  We keep 
you from moving just in case.  Canonsburg's finest finally 
come waltzing in (I didn't realize uniforms for Washington 
County EMTs consist of ripped jeans and a wifebeater), 
ask you "Do you think it's your neck?"  You say no, and 
it's like "Ok, roll him over."  WTF?  No collar?  No 
precautions?  You might want to call Edgar Snyder after 
all.  We'll testify.  Our thoughts are with you.  And as 
motivation to start feeling better, Jess and DJ promise to 
lather each other up in the shower and let you watch at your 
first game back.


Thursday, May 26, 2005
Burgh's 5
Spiders 2

#3 Dan - new guy, welcome to the team. Good effort 
for by your own admission not having played in years. 
I almost gave DJ an #3 for actually showing up, but 
dammit, these Three Stars mean something. They're 
sacred. One has to do more than just show up. Like 
pay me money or engage in hot lesbian sex.

#2 B - Another big effort.

#1 No #1 Star awarded in loss. 


Thursday, May 19, 2005
Two for Roughing 3
Spiders          1

#3 No #3 Jedi awarded.

#2 B - The Force was with him...

#1 No #1 Jedi awarded in loss.


Friday, May 13, 2005
T Rex   11
Spiders  1

#3 Jess - With our first, and thus far only goal of the season 
on a beautiful one-timer.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.







Winter 2005 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

10 - B
 8 - Stevie
 7 - SteveC
 6 - Dave
 6 - Mark
 4 - Mikey
 4 - Jason
 4 - Jess
 2 - GoaliePersonGuy
 2 - Pete
 1 - Doug
 1 - Mike
 1 - DJ
 1 - Kenny G
 1 - Pauly
 1 - Matt


Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Spiders 7
T Rex   5

#3 Squill, Stevie, Jess, Three Amigos - Farewell, 
Pauly, we hardy knew ye.  Stevie, big saves in 
the second half of the game.  Jess, dedication 
for even bothering to show up despite being two 
periods late, plus, continuing thanks for taking 
all the shit required to run a team.  Three Amigos, 
congrats on getting that first Spiders season under 
your belt.

#2 Dave - nice goal from the point, and I'm not 
just saying that because I fed you the pass.

#1 SteveC, B - Fantastic performances from both of 
you, just outstanding.


Thursday, April 14, 2005
Gamecocks 7
Spiders   4

#3 No #3 Hot Carl awarded.

#2 No #2 Hot Carl awarded.

#1 Dipshit Refs - Game tied, late in the third, 
CRACK!, people playing at the rink in Mt. Lebanon 
heard it, a Gamecock breaks his stick. Yet he 
doesn't drop it, and still continues to play. "
He's got a broken stick," yells the Spiders bench. 
Repeatedly. "He's playing with a broken stick," 
yells Mikey from the left point while looking at 
the ref and pointing to the the guy. One shot. 
Two shots. Finally, on the third shot, the Cocks 
put the puck in the net. The refs are so damn 
stupid, it isn't until after the ensuing faceoff 
when the puck goes down into our end again that 
they see the broken blade laying on the ice and 
stop play to clean it up. "What did you want us 
to do," they inquire? Well, how about reading 
the rule book for starters. Demoralized, the 
Spiders go into the tank and the Gamecocks pull 
away for a three goal win. Granted, the difference 
between 1-7-1 and 2-6-1 is not great, but dammit, 
it's the principle that counts! 


Tuesday, April 5, 2005
Ko Sports 9
Spiders   0

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Panthers 4
Spiders  1

#3 Dave, Stevie, Jess - Dave gets a star for taking a hard 
shot to the wrist, and consequently ruining his sex life for 
the next month. Stevie stops the penalty shot. Jess, finally, 
after what, six years? She gets herself a pair of matching 
gloves. And this from the woman who works in a hockey shop.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Spiders      1
Medicine Men 0

#3 Rest of the Team - Jess, DJ, Matt, Mikey, 
Dave, Kenny G, Robespierre, Albert Andreas 
Armadillo (no relation to the Sasparillas), 
Archimedes (Eureka!) - a fantastic effort for 
our long overdue first win of the season.

#2 Jason, SteveC, Mark - great hustle above 
and beyond.

#1 B, Stevie - B with a goal in our 1-0 win 
(who had the other goal?), Stevie with some 
big saves. 



Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Spiders 2
T Rex   2

3 B - gets a star for logging into the website 
all the way from Germany, where he's on set 
filming the upcoming blockbuster "Schadenfreude 
Scatmongers."

#2 Jason, Stevie, Fuck, who had our first goal? - 
My mind is like a steel sieve. Anyhow, Jason for 
tying it up late in the third, Stevie for playing 
his best game so far this season.

#1 No #1 star awarded in tie.


Thursday, March 10, 2005
Gamecocks 7
Spiders   3

I'm almost tempted to implement a "Jeers and Cheers" 
section instead of three stars. That way I could 
give a jeer to Kenny G. for missing his third damn 
game in a row! I thought the food poisoning had 
passed. "Please excuse Kenny G., he has explosive 
diarrhea." I could also give a jeer to my awesome 
linemate B, who's going to miss next week's game 
because he's traveling to Europe to star in a 
german scheisse video.

#3 B, SteveC, Mikey - B played another great 
game, SteveC with one of our goals, and, well, 
me, I guess, with the other two. It's the same 
situation, I don't like to give myself stars, 
but Matt and Pauly insisted. Pauly capped it by 
saying that I especially deserved one because I 
actually went to the bar after the game...

#2 No #2 star awarded

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 



Tuesday, March 1, 2005
Ko Sports 5
spiders   4

Ah, yet again we fall to the occassion and snap 
defeat from the jaws of victory. I wonder if 
we're doing a good enough job of "taking it easy 
on the other teams?" Maybe if we finish 0-10 
they at least won't try to move us up a division 
next season. Anyhow, without further ado...

#3 Bud, Zippy, Horatio, Luscious, Skippy - the 
new guys. At least I think those were your names. 
I'll learn 'em by the end of spring '09. Veteran 
Spiders thought they were walking into the wrong 
locker room. Looks like Jess was busy soliciting 
guys on street corners again. Only instead of her 
usual "$50 half-and-half, $100 around the world," 
it was "$100 play for the Spiders." Regardless, 
welcome to the team, guys. Whoever the hell you are...

#2 Mark, B, Pete - did someone have the fourth 
goal? Whatever, you guys all played really well.

#1 - No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Panthers 5
Spiders  2

Ok, first off, after losing 5-2, I probably wouldn't 
normally have awarded any stars.  And secondly, not 
to make any of you no-shows feel guilty or anything, 
but the reason why I've taken so long to update the 
site was because I was in bed sick all day.  Just like 
yesterday.  Yet I somehow managed to make it to the 
game.  You bastards. So, without further ado:

#3 Jess, SteveC, Mike, Dave, Doug? - Kudos for showing 
up.  Jess was hacking up a lung.  SteveC, great game all 
around, even on D.  Mike, farewell until whenever.  
Dave, another recovering sick puppy.  Doug, I think 
that's your name, welcome to the team.

#2 Mark, GoaliePersonGuy, Mikey - Mark, you set me up 
beautifully in front.  GoalPersonGuy, sorry, forget 
your name, not only did you show up on short notice, 
but you played one hell of a game.  Me, well, 
again, I don't like to give myself stars, but 
considering I had to drag myself off of my deathbed 
to even get there, and then managed to pump in two, 
I think I deserve a little something.


Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Medicine Men  5
Spiders       1

No stars awarded because we got our asses kicked 
by a bunch of pussies. Now, if I had awarded 
stars, I probably would have given a #3 to DJ 
for congrats on her first game back (and for 
letting me wear her pussy protector because I 
forgot my jock), a #2 to NewDave for coming to 
my aid when a second Medicine Man jumped me in 
the scrum, and OldDave a #1 for facing yet another 
serious injury and then rising from the grave 
in slow motion like a zombie from "Night of the 
Living Dead" to go after his attacker. And ok, 
maybe I would have also given myself a #1 for 
dropping the gloves and scoring our only goal. 
And a -#3 to Kenny G. for being "sick." But 
that would only have been if I had awarded 
stars. Which I didn't. Because we got our 
asses kicked by a bunch of pussies.







Fall 2004 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

21 - Brendan
14 - Matt
14 - Mark
13 - Paul
10 - Steve C.
 9 - Stevie
 9 - Dave
 9 - Jess
 8 - Mikey
 8 - Nate
 7 - Kenny G
 6 - Ryan
 5 - Eric
 4 - Mike
 3 - Porn
 2 - George Bush
 1 - John Kerry
 1 - Goal Posts


Playoffs - Championships
Thursday, February 3, 2005
Pylons  5
Spiders 1

No stars awarded, blah!


Playoffs - Championships
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Spiders 4
Pylons  3

#3 Dave, Mike, Stevie, Nate - we all deserve stars 
tonight.

#2 Jess, Pauly, Kenny G, - excellent intensity and 
leadership.

#1 Mark, B, Matt, Steve C. - great goals, great 
play, great hustle. 


Playoffs - Championships
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Pylons  5
Spiders 0

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Playoffs - Round One
Friday, January 21, 2005
Spiders  4
Panthers 3

#3 Stevie, Matt, Mike, Brendan, Kenny G - way to hang in there 
when we were down and not give up the ship.

#2 Mark, Dave, Pauly, Jess, Steve C. - Mark with a pair, Dave 
sets me up for the game winner with a beauty of a pass, Pauly 
calls the goal, Jess almost scores on an amazing breakaway (and 
again on a rebound with the followup, Steve C. with the other 
goal and great hustle all game long.

#1 Mikey - by popular demand, I award myself the first star.


Thursday, January 13, 2005
Ko Sports 7
Spiders   2

#3 Mark - you get a retroactive star for last week's performance. 
I forgot about your amazing breakaway where you skated around 
all 12 players on the other team (six were sitting on the bench) 
and fired a shot that was so hard it actually pierced the goaltender's 
abdomen, broke the glass behind the net, and shattered three 
windshields in the parking lot before coming to rest in an 
empty field just outside of Tucumcari, NM.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Friday, January 7, 2005
Panthers 9
Spiders  3

#3 Matt, Steve C., The Goal Posts - Matt, way to bang it home 
in front.  Steve, fantastic goal, way to stay with it.  Goal 
Posts, you kept 'em in single digits.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Spiders      2
Medicine Men 1

#3 Dave, Pauly, Mike, Nate, Steve, Matt, Mikey - We all 
get a star for coming out ahead in a very hard fought 
game.

#2 Porn - You'd have been a first star, too, for all 
of those great saves you made, if only you hadn't let 
in that weak ass cheese goal.

#1 Mark, B - Gotta tip your hat to the goal scorers in 
a 2-1 game, even though B did miss that breakaway...


Thursday, December 9, 2004
Spiders   2
Gamecocks 2

#3 Mikey - I wasn't going to give myself a star, 
but everyone insisted.  So I relented.  But only 
a #3 star.  Because I'm so damn modest.

#2 Matt, Pauly - Matt with our other goal, Pauly 
sliding all over the ice in a desperate attempt 
to block shots.  Or perhaps a desperate attempt 
to impress Porn.  We're not sure.

#1 No #1 star awarded in tie.


Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Spiders 6
Pylons  5

-#3 Mark - First he can't make it because he's 
just getting out of work.  Then he can't make 
it because his roommate is moving.  Then 
he can't make it because they're showing 
a documentary about anal warts on the 
Discovery Channel.

#3 Mike, Pauly, Kenny G - Even though we sort 
of lost it there at the end, a tremendous 
effort from our D Trio.

#2 Nate, Dave, Jess - Excellent play up front. 
For the better part of two periods, it looked 
like the ice was tilted towards the Pylons' 
end.

#1 B - He's fast becoming our Big Gun.  Although 
for once I set him up instead of vice versa.


Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Spiders 4
T Rex   3

#3 B - Just a good game all around.

#2 Big Cat, Pauly - Eric with the moves, Pauly 
blocking the shots.

#1 Mark - Here's how I imagine Mike Lange 
calling it: "He's in alone, shorthanded by 
two men, makes a little move, heeeeee shoots 
and scores! Oh, the goalies' nuts are hangin' 
out of his jock, he doesn't know what 
kind of shit blew by him!"


Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Meadows 10
Spiders  3

#3 B, Mikey - Normally, nobody would get a star in such a 
lopsided loss. But I also don't normally award myself 
stars. And I certainly can't award myself the only star 
of the game. So B, you get one for your beautiful goal 
(even though you missed that second one!). I get one for 
scoring the 1000th goal in Spiders team history. And for 
scoring #1001, just in case I miscounted.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Tuesday, November 2, 2004
Spiders  4
Panthers 1

#3 John Kerry - I may not agree with the man, but he 
gave it a gallant effort.

#2 George Bush - congrats on your victory. Now don't 
let down those who validated your presidency.

#1 Brendan, Eric, Matt, Stevie, Whoever Had the 
Fourth Goal - kudos to the goal scorers. Stevie, 
great game in the nets, even if you can't figure 
out how to work the guestbook. 


Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Spiders   4
Ko Sports 1

#3 Stevie, Nate, Porn - Stevie came up about ten minutes short 
of posting his second straight shutout after a two 
season layoff.  Nate, rookies usually get a star in their 
first game, unless they totally fuck up.  Which you didn't. 
So congrats.  Porn shows dedication by showing up at the 
bar to cheer us onto victory.  And pick up hot chicks while 
doing so.  Or hot guys.  You're never too sure with Porn.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 Brendan, Ryan, Matt, Nate - the goal scorers.  B, you 
set me up again, but this time I got robbed.  Next game, next 
game.  Nate, looks like you get two stars tonight.


Friday, October 22, 2004
Spiders      10
Medicine Men  0

#1 Jess, Stevie, Kenny G, Dave, Brendan, Paul, Steve, 
Mikey, New Guy 1, New Guy 2 - it was too hard to 
pick individual stars after such a command 
performance. Jess, nice goal, and I'm not just saying 
that because I set you up. Stevie, tosses the goose 
egg in his first game back. Kenny G, good shot from 
the point, even if you didn't actually get credit 
for the goal. Dave, way to make those sarcastic 
remarks in the guestbook. Brendan, you keep setting 
me up like that and we'll have to see about getting 
Jess to give you a new contract with a hefty raise. 
Paul, solid on D as always. Welcome back to another 
Steve. I usually don't award myself stars, but since 
everyone gets one tonight, I don't feel too bad. 
New Guys, forget your names, but welcome aboard. 
Way to begin our title defense!

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 Brendan, Ryan, Matt, Nate - the goal scorers.  B, 
you set me up again, but this time I got robbed.  Next 
game, next game.  Nate, looks like you get two stars 
tonight.







Summer 2004 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

21 - Eric
19 - Matt
16 - Brendan
15 - Jeff
15 - Evan
11 - Dave
11 - Kenny G.
11 - Porn
10 - Mikey
10 - Jess
10 - Pete
 8 - Mike
 6 - Larry
 4 - Wayne
 4 - Paul
 3 - DJ
 1 - JB


Playoffs - Championship
Monday, October 11, 2004
Spiders W FF
Boomers

#1 Eric, Matt, Brendan, Jeff, Evan, Dave, Kenny G., Porn, 
Mikey, Jess, Pete, Mike, Larry, Wayne, Paul, DJ - we did it, guys! 
Maybe not in the manner in which we had hoped, winning by 
forfeit in the decisive game of the championship series is a 
bit anti-climactic, but at long last, Lord Stanley has come 
home to roost in the Spiders Lair!


Playoffs - Championship
Tuesday, October 5, 2004
Spiders 5
Boomers 2

#3 Dave, Area 51, Kenny G., Jess, Mikey, Pauly - Jess, way 
to set that pick late in the game. Area 51, strong third 
period. Pauly, the Agitator, got under their skin. Everyone 
else, smart hockey when it counted!

#2 Jeff, Porn - Jeff, again, you probably skated better 
than any of us. Porn, you got that Boomers monkey off 
your back. Just think, you can tell people you got in 
trouble for having a porno tape on the ice! Let 'em 
figure that one out...

#1 Evan, Brendan, Matt, Eric, Pete - the goal scorers 
played hard and took it to 'em. Glad you could make it, 
Eric, now be here Monday night! "Dear Mr. Eric's Boss, 
Eric is unable to go to Philadelphia because he caught 
anal warts from DJ." Matt, you're our playoff MVP so far. 
Pete, you get special recognition for driving all the way 
down from Erie, now be here Monday night! "Dear Pete's 
Professor, Pete is unable to attend class because he 
caught anal warts from Eric." 


Playoffs - Championship
Sunday, October 3, 2004
Boomer  3
Spiders 2

No stars awarded until we beat the damn Boomers...


Playoffs - Round One
Monday, September 27, 2004
Spiders   7
Ko Sports 5

#3 Eric, Brendan - settin' 'em up and knockin' 'em in.  
Hey Jess, is Brendan showing up tonight?

#2 Jeff - the only one of us who didn't look like he 
was skating in quicksand!  Great hustle...

#1 No #1 star awarded. 


Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Spiders   8
Ko Sports 2

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Boomers 1
Spiders 0

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, September 7, 2004
Spiders                7
Coaches Against Cancer 1

#3 Jess - she gets an extra star for scoring on a 
beautiful play.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 The Whole Team - a great effort group effort. Matt, 
Eric, Dave, Brendan, Kenny G., Porn, Mike, Larry, Jeff, 
Mikey, Jess all deserve top honors. 


Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Spiders          5 
Two for Roughing 3

#3 JB - God doesn't want him to play hockey anymore.  
Who can argue with that?  Or is it because he had an 
epiphany after reading how Adrienne touches herself? 

#2 Big Cat, Matt, Brendan, Evan, Jeff - yinz guys get 
stars for scoring goals, but Mongo and Matt also get 'em 
for taking Little #7 from the other team to task.  
"That was a vagina call!"

#1 Kenny G. - he's taken that weak ass shot at least 
once a game for the last seven years, although unlike 
Jeff, he at least usually gets it on net.  This time, 
he did more than that and buried it to give the Spiders 
a late game win.


Monday, August 16, 2004
Spiders 6
T Rex   4

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Monday, August 9, 2004
Spiders 10
Mayhem   5

#3 Evan, Kenny G., Jess, Jeff, Porn, Mike, Dave, Brendan, 
Mikey, Pete - We all deserve stars.  The passes were crisp, 
plenty of pressure, lots of shots on goal.  We da team.

#2 Big Cat - he's still got the puck on a string.

#1 Matt - a four goal night.  Outstanding.  Simply 
outstanding.


Tuesday, August 3, 2004
Spiders   6
Ko Sports 5

#3 Pete, Dave - Pete gets his first ever penalty, then can't 
get the door to the penalty box to open.  Dave takes a hard 
shot off the heel, then gets escorted to the bench while 
sitting in a chair and being pushed by Eric.  Next week 
we're going to have Dave play the whole game that way.

#2 Matt - solid game all around.

#1 Evan, Big Cat - poetry in motion.


Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Boomers 6
Spiders 2

#3 Big Cat - he had the puck on a string all night.  Amazing goal.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Spiders                7
Coaches Against Cancer 0

#3 Mikey, Dave - ok, I normally don't give myself stars, but 
I have to admit, I'm kinda impressed by the fact that I didn't 
show up until the end of the first period, and still managed a 
couple of goals and a couple of assists.  Dave with the five 
assist night gets a three star as well.

#2 Porn - sorry about the oversight last week.  To make up 
for it, you get a two star tonight.  Way to shut 'em out.

#1 Big Cat - Some amazing moves, a couple o' goals, and some 
nice setups.  And you only played two periods, too.  New Spiders 
strategy: only show up for the second and third.


Monday, July 12, 2004
Spiders          3
Two for Roughing 2

#3 Rest of the Team - Jess, Jeff, Dave, Mikey, Wayne, 
start off the season on a high note.

#2 Pete - our rookie gets a star for his first game.  
We'll get a bio up in the Player Profiles section long 
about January 2007.

#1 Evan, Brendan, Matt - the goal scorers bring us 
victory.







Spring 2004 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

Big Cat - 6
Evan    - 5
Brendan - 5
Jess    - 4
Pauly   - 3
JB      - 2
Stevie  - 2
Nathan  - 1
Jimmy   - 1
DJ      - 1
Mikey   - 2
Kenny G - 1
Dave    - 1
Todd    - 1
Goalie  - 1
Matt    - 1
Paul    - -1


Tuesday, June 22, 2004
T Rex   11
Spiders  2

#3 Mikey/Brendan - the goal scorers.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Monday, June 14, 2004
Coaches Against Cancer 10
Spiders                 5

#3 Big Cat - another solid game from Mongo.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, June 8, 2004
Ice Hawks 4 OT
Spiders   3

#3 Matt - the sub goalie.

#2 Big Cat - pounds in a pair...

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Pylons  6
Spiders 0

No stars awarded in loss.  Blah!


Monday, May 17, 2004
Mayhem  5
Spiders 3

#3 Evan - H-T or close to it.

#2 No Number Two star awarded.

#1 No Number One star awarded in loss.


Monday, May 10, 2004
T Rex   5
Spiders 2

#3 Everyone Who Bothered to Show Up - Kenny G., DJ, Jess, Stevie, 
Dave, Brendan, Mikey, Todd...uh, who else did show up?

#2 No Number Two star awarded.

#1 No Number One star awarded in loss.

#-3 Everyone Who DIDN'T Bother to Show Up - you know 
who you are... 


Tuesday, May 4, 2004
Coaches Against Cancer 9
Spiders                3

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Monday, April 26, 2004
Spiders   7
Ice Hawks 2

#3 Stevie - Kenny G. awarded this star because he felt 
bad that he subjected Stevie to a penalty shot.

#2 Eric - Big Cat gets a goal, drives to the net, 
stickhandles, and doesn't get a penalty!

#1 Evan, Brendan - multigoal nights for both.


Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Pylons  11
Spiders  4

No stars awarded in loss.  Blah!


Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Spiders 3
Mayhem  1

#3 The Goalie (Scott?) - Stevie, you're fired.  Jimmy 
coaches us to victory.

#2 Big Cat, Nathan, Evan - Welcome back, Big Cat. Good 
game from the usual suspects as well.

#1 The Goal Scorers - Jess, JB, Pauly. 







Winter 2004 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

Evan    - 8
Pauly   - 5
Mikey   - 5
Brendan - 4
JimB    - 4
JB      - 5
Mark    - 3
Stevie  - 3
Nathan  - 3
Area 51 - 3
Dave    - 3
Ken     - 2
DJ      - 1
Jess    - 1
Todd    - 1
Dawn    - 1
Podunks - -3


Monday, March 22, 2004
Panthers 15
Spiders   3

#3 Brendan, Kenny G., Dave, JB - the goal scorers 
(I think) and JB "Slippery Rock Joe" for his inspired 
performance.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Meadows 6
Spiders 5

#3 Nathan, Mikey, ah...er...who else scored? - Everybody 
who did gets a third star.

#2 Area 51 - brings home his first goal as a Spider. 
"Why is everybody so excited? Did I score?"

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Sunday, March 14, 2004
Pylons  8
Spiders 3

#3 Dawn - our team waitress during Spiders Nite Out 
at Smokey Bones last Saturday.  She was far better 
at her job than we were at ours on the ice against 
the Pylons.  Maybe everyone was just too hung over 
after that night of drunken debauchery.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Monday, March 8, 2004
Panthers 6 OT
Spiders  5

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 JimB, JB, Nathan, Dave, Kenny G. - the goal scorers. At least I 
think these were the goal scorers. Somebody correct me 
if I'm wrong.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Tuesday, March 2, 2004
Boomers 4
Spiders 3

#3 Brendan - Just a good, solid game.

#2 JimB and JB - the goal scorers.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Saturday, February 28, 2004
Stainbrook 5
Spiders    2

#3 Mikey - Ok, I can't normally award myself a star, 
but I did have a couple, even if they were garbage.

#2 Still thinking...

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

NOTE: -#1 star goes to the Podunk Mountain 
Bumpounders for filling up the parking lot and 
forcing us to carry our bags in from Cleveland, 
which was the closest parking most of us could 
find.  No wonder we lost, we were all tired 
out by the time we even got to the locker room.


Sunday, February 22, 2004
Medicine Men 2
Spiders      1

#3 Todd - he gets a star for playing well in his 
first game back with the Spiders since the 8th grade 
picnic.

#2 Pauly/Stevie/Brendan - Pauly and Stevie both played well,
Brendan with a beauty of a goal

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Spiders   5
Ice Hawks 4

#3 Area 51/DJ/Jess - Area 51 plays a great game on 
D, especially considering that this was his first 
game back after having a bionic penis installed.  
DJ gets an A for effort, she couldn't quite bang 
one in, but had some nice chances, and played 
well along the boards, making several nice 
clearing passes.  Jess, well, she said it herself, 
she couldn't hit the side of a barn with a cow.  
I have no idea what that means.  We just know 
that she had more chances than a virgin on prom 
night, but still couldn't score.  But as with 
DJ, we recognize her effort.  P.S. Kenny G almost 
got a #3 star for the beautiful pass he made 
to send the 29'er in on a breakaway, but since he's 
missed the last 27 games with lame excuses, we 
had to put him on double secret probation.  No 
soup for you.

#2 Still thinking about this one...

#1 The Goal Scorers (Mikey, Evan, ???) - The Three 
Star Giver isn't usually allowed to award himself 
stars, but DJ said it was ok.  I know someone 
else must have had at least one.  Whoever you are, 
you get a star.  Speak now, or forever hold your 
peace.


Thursday, February 5, 2004
Spiders   7
Gamecocks 4

#3 Pauly - on a two game scoring streak.  Nice goal 
in front.

#2 Evan - More scorin'.

#1 Mark - H-T bay-bee.


Thursday, January 29, 2004
Spiders 4
T Rex   3

#3 Stevie - Lots of nice saves, including a few to 
hold off a late surge by T Rex.

#2 Pauly - First there was the infamous "slo-mo" goal 
of Season Fifteen, last night was the "half-dressed" 
goal. Jess comes to the bench screaming for a winger 
to jump on. Pauly's not quite ready, but somehow 
manages to sort of throw on his helmet and gloves. 
There he is, skating down the ice, chin straps 
undone, gloves half falling off, I turn to DJ and 
say "If he scores dressed like that..." Damned if 
he didn't.

#1 Evan - What can we say? Mr. Scoring Guy







Fall 2003 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Mikey.

Final Season Totals:

Evan     - 9
Stevie   - 6
Jess     - 5
Todd     - 4
Dave     - 4
Brendan  - 4
Pauly    - 4
Dale     - 4
Mikey    - 4
Jimmy    - 4
DJ       - 3
NewSteve - 3
JB       - 3
NewMike  - 2
NewJim1  - 2
Kenny G  - 2
Matt     - 1
Various
Other
Guys     - 1


Each #1 Star = 3pts, #2 Star = 2pts, #3 Star = 1pt.

Saturday, January 3, 2004
T Rex   5
Spiders 4

3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 Evan - for managing to double shift the entire game 
and not cough up a lung in the process.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Saturday, December 27, 2003
Spiders       W by FF
Crank Yankers

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Sunday, December 21, 2003
Panthers 4
Spiders  2

#3 Stevie - some big saves in a losing effort

#2 Evan - a penalty shot goal that wasn't in a shootout!  
Good job.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Saturday, December 13, 2003
Medicine Men 7
Spiders      2

#3 Jess - for getting banged really hard.  And then 
taking quite a hit on the ice, too.  Seriously, 
despite getting leveled, she hung in there like 
a trooper, and gets the third star for perseverance.

#2 NewJim1 - for being the goal scorer on the night.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Friday, November 28, 2003
Spiders       5
Stifler's Mom 3

#3 The Rest of the Team - but I can't name names 
because, as they said in the movie Major League: 
"Who the hell are these guys?"  Stevie, you gotta 
get us name tags.  Or at least bother to show up 
to introduce everyone.  In fact, you almost got a 
minus star for not doing just that.

#2 Kenny G. - back from his "retirement."  Is this 
going to turn into a Michael Jordan thing?  First 
he retires to play drums, next thing you know, 
he'll retire again and make an attempt to play minor 
league baseball.

#1 One of the New Jim Guys - but don't ask me which 
one.  The one who scored two goals.


Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Pylons  2
Spiders 1

#3 No #3 star awarded. 

#2 Everyone Who Actually Bothered to Show Up - DJ, 
Jess, Stevie, Jimmy, Mikey, NewSteve, Todd, Brendan, 
Dave, we had a very short bench, gave up two quick 
goals early in the first, and seemed like we never 
got the puck out of our own end, yet we got it 
together, buckled down, didn't give up another 
goal, and only ended up losing by one. And we 
didn't let Larry or Jeff score. Good job, everyone. 

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Tuesday, November 4, 2003
Justin  7
Spiders 2

#3 Todd - first game in a while, manages to bang 
home our second goal from right in front.

#2 Pauly - scored our first goal on a great shot 
from the slot, setup Todd for the second after a 
thirty second  run in which he controlled the puck 
behind the net using his stick, then his skates, 
then his hands, then his head, then his pancreas, 
all before finally managing to use the butt end of 
his stick like a pool cue to center a pass out 
to Mr. Holstein.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Thursday, October 30, 2003
Panthers 6
Spiders  2

#3 Matt - I can't in good conscience give myself a 
star, so I'll give one to Matt for the great pass 
he used to set me up for that one-timer.

#2 Dale - the goal scoring machine.  Didn't we tell 
you that wearing your glasses and being able to see 
would make a difference?

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Monday, October 27, 2003
Gamecocks 3
Spiders   1

#3 Evan - continues to be our goal scoring threat.

#2 Stevie - faced a barage of shots (what else is new?), 
only gave up three, and none were really his fault.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Sunday, October 12, 2003
Ice Hawks 8
Spiders   7

#3 Stevie, DJ, Todd, Dale, Mikey, NewMike, NewSteve, 
Jimmy, Pauly, Jess - the returning Spiders put forth 
a valiant effort

#2 Brendan, Dave, JB - the rest of the new Spiders.  
Welcome aboard.

#1 Evan - Have we found the New Toby/Red, with all 
the scoring and none of the attidude?







Summer 2003 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Kenny G.

Final Season Totals:

11 - Matt
 6 - Stevie
 4 - Mikey
 3 - Kenny
 3 - New Mike
 3 - Todd
 3 - DJ
 3 - Eric
 3 - Jess
 3 - New Steve
 3 - Jimmy
 3 - Dale
 3 - Herb Brooks
 2 - Richie
 2 - Puck Bag
 1 - Pauly
 1 - John


Tuesday, September 9, 2003
Gamecocks 10
Spiders    2

#3 Jess - for threatening to call up everyone 
who didn't make it to the game at 2:00AM.  Let's 
hope she did, especially Johnny!

#2 Matt - Mr. Hockey added another goal to his 
all-star season. 

#1 Once again, no.


Tuesday, September 2, 2003
Ice Hawks 11
Spiders    3

#3 The Rest of the Squad - DJ, Jess, for trying to 
disrupt the other team with mind tricks and 
TITillating conversation. Dale for muckin' and 
grindin'.Mike-Area 51 for drawing a line in the 
ice, daring the other team to cross it, last 
count...they crossed the line 13 times.  Eric - 
for disqualifying the team since he plays for 
every team at Southpointe, but hey we wouldn't 
have it any other way.Mikey, Todd, newSteve, 
oldSteve, Jimmy, innocent bystanders along for 
the ride

#2 Matt - a 2 goal effort for our top scorer this 
season.  This also gives Matt enough points to  
clinch the 3 stars award for the Summer 2003. Way 
to go Matt!

#1 Ah, no.


Thursday, August 21, 2003
Panther 6
Spiders 4

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Thursday, August 14, 2003
WVUH    3
Spiders 1

#3 Matt - once again, the scoring threat.

#2 No no.

#1 No.


Tuesday, August 12, 2003
T Rex   5
Spiders 0

#3 Richie - for bustin' ass on defense. And also for 
comic relief with his swiss cheese stick. [Ed. Note: 
Once again, "discretionary powers" allow me to award 
a third star to Dale.  Best game he's played in a 
long time.  Oh, so close to getting that elusive 
goal. - Mikey]

#2 Puck Bag - thanks for showing up.

#1 Herb Brooks - do you believe in miracles?  We need one.


Thursday, August 7, 2003
Pylons  9
Spiders 2

#3 Mike-Area 51 - for his compassion and ultimate 
respect for the Pylons. "This is bull****!" It 
almost was history repeating itself the way Red did 
it, in search of an answer after the game running down 
the hallway after the ref.  Except Red had on only a 
towel,sorry Mike, it might have gotten ya the #2 star.

#2 Well,no.  Had Johnny's kid thrown hot pennies at 
the Pylons to slow them down the way his grandfather 
always talked about doing at Pittsburgh Hornet games, 
he would have gotten the star. [Ed. Note: Using 
"discretionary powers," I hearby award the #2 star to Matt 
for his two goal in one shift performance. - Mikey]

#1 I hate deserters.


Thursday, July 31, 2003
Panthers 5 OT
Spiders  4

#3 Eric, New Steve, Johnny, Jimmy - THREE GOALS IN ONE 
SHIFT, great shots good passing, they had it going on like 
that.  **Attention Stevie the goalman/owner**, sign Eric 
to a long term contract now!  Offer free babysitting or 
free diaper changing.  "Dale, you're up".

#2 Matt - 2 goal effort along with the boys on the 
3/shift. 

#1 Close, but no cigar.


Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Pylons  5
Spiders 3

#3 Mikey, Pauly, Matt - I don't give out stars usually 
for all goals but in this case each one was a beauty. 
Mikey with the nice rebound angle shot,Paully with a 
nice breakaway (who made that awesome pass?), Matt 
going upstairs with Stevie the goalie off the ice, 
during the waining minutes of the game. 

#2 Stevie - goalieman did his part to keep us in 
the game. including a BIG glove save at the last 
second of the 2nd period. Stevie worked some of 
his old magic throughout the game. Of course having 
two DESERTERS or OLD HOCKEY EQUIPMENT SCUM who said 
they would not go back to playing in the D league,
playing for the Pylons, was incentive enough. 
(Was that over the top...I can never tell?) 

#1 Ahh, no. 


Thursday, July 24, 2003
Spiders 1 OT
WVUH    0

#3 The Rest of the Spiders - Jess, DJ, Mikey, Eric, 
Matt, New Steve, Dale, Todd, Richie, Jimmy, Mike, 
yinz guys rock!  Everyone worked hard last night.  
Like Jimmy said, we had the line changes in OT 
clicking. Dale, Todd, Matt, good muckin' and 
grinding. Jess, DJ, Mikey - the chick line took 
some hits but kept going. New Steve plays his first 
game, good work. Eric, the Big Cat led some great 
attacks and put on a very impressive puck handling 
clinic last night. Jimmy, Richie, Mike, my other 
brothers in the Dept. of Defense, good work in 
the trenches.

#2 Stevie - Goalieman grabs another shut out win. 

#1 Kenny G - as voted on by the rest of the team. 
The ref said I was the last to touch the puck, 
however the ref is also selling my wife's company 
a copier.  So I'm thinking the conversation between 
her and the ref today goes like this: "So are you 
sold on that premium plan yet?  You know, I gave your 
husband credit on the winning goal last night."


Sunday, July 20, 2003
Gamecocks 7
Spiders   2

#3 Mikey, Todd, Stevie, DJ - a loss but still some bright
spots. Mikey, with a goal/assist night. Todd a goal in 
his coming out of retirement game. Stevie for the 
butterfly save on Eric. (Eric was a sub for the other 
team,his old D league team). DJ for..well..comic relief, 
she found a pothole at center ice and couldn't move the 
puck with anything, stick, skate, glove, helmet, bra.... 

#2 Ahhh... 

#1 ...no. 







Spring 2003 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Kenny G.

Final Season Totals:

 7 - Mikey
 4 - Eric
 3 - Larry
 3 - Ken
 3 - Jess
 3 - Pauly
 2 - Jeff
 2 - Bill
 2 - Stevie
 1 - Matt
 1 - Howie
 1 - DJ
 1 - Dale
 1 - Jimmy
 1 - Mike
 1 - Ken
 1 - Schuster Boys


Wednesday, Jun 25, 2003
Spiders              W by FF
Kingdom Enterainment

#3 Stevie - goalieman makes one final save in the C league. 
With the final game of the season approaching, hopes were 
low, Spiders were out of town on vacation, forfeiting 
the game was mostly on the Spider mind, that is until, 
Kingdom Entertainment calls first saying they couldn't 
make the game and they forfeited the game to us. Yeah! 
We had them all the way! 


Wednesday, June 25, 2003
Boomers 8
Spiders 3

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Monday, June 9, 2003
Spiders   5
US Hockey 5

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded.


Monday, June 2, 2003
Lumberjacks 8
Spiders     3

#3 The Rest of the Team - Jess, DJ, Eric, Pauly, 
Dale, Billy, Jimmy, Mike, Ken, Stevie - everyone 
worked their butts off (wow, that's a lot of 
butts falling off), a good total team effort. 

#2 Mikey, Howie, Larry - the goal scorers. Larry 
worked his butt off last night, Howie Hockey 
with a penalty shot goal. And Mikey with the 
3rd goal of the game and the scorer of the Spider 
franchise regular season goal #800. 

#1 Nah-dah in lossa. 


Wednesday, May 28, 2003
Ice Dogs 7
Spiders  4

#3 Ken, Howie, Jeff, Eric, Pauly,- the mucker and 
grinders and goal scorers. And of course Eric's 
phrase after every shift: "I can't believe I lost 
another faceoff to that b----! 

#2 Mikey - another 2 goal effort.  He might have 
made #1 star until he admitted that after the 
game he was going home to bake cupcakes for his 
co-workers.  Um--ok---check please!

#1 - Very close once again.  However, look for 
one or more of the following to happen next game: 
1 win away from 75 franchise wins, 3 goals away 
from 800 franchise regular season goals, 1 goal 
against from 900 franchise regular goals against. 
and just as painful, 2 losses away from 100 
franchise losses.  Who's the hoser that's been
keeping these stats anyway...oh sorry Cupcake.


Monday, May 19, 2003
Blades  8
Spiders 2

#3 Eric, Pauly, Jeff, Larry - good hustle from all 
at both ends of the rink.

#2 Mikey - a 2 goal effort for ol 2-9er in one shift. 

#1 Ah, no.


Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Amwell Machine 10
Spiders         3

No stars tonight. Losing 4 in a row is too painful.


Sunday, May 11, 2003
Polar Bears 7
Spiders     2

#3 The Schuster Boys -  supportting their dad Eric, 
with their new Spider jerseys complete with 16 1/2 
on the back. They couldn't wait to see dad come off 
the ice, not to say" way to go dad", but "get out 
of the way dad, we've been waiting to watch the 
zamboni!"  

#2 Jess - add another 2 goal night to her resume. 
Plus she got to hear her name announced after each 
goal. Which I guess is something new the scorekeeper 
is doing.announcing goals, penalties, shots on goal 
(we don't need to hear that one!) and attendance: 
"Tonight's attendance is 12 3/4 the Polar Bears and 
Spiders thank you, for attending, good night everyone.

#1 Close but no cigar.


Wednesday, April 30, 2003
Vipers  13
Spiders  2

NOTE: Since Kenny G. was absent with explosive 
diarrhea, yours truly takes the reigns of tonight's 
Three Stars. - Mikey 

#3 Eric - nice goal, plenty of fire and passion in 
your play. New nickname: The Linechange King. 

#2 Surely you jest. 

#1 I'm not jesting. And don't call me Shirley


Monday, April 21, 2003
Kingdom Entertainment 7
Spiders               5

Star date: 04.21.2053 On our never ending quest to 
find out who scored in game one of the Spring 2003 
season opener, the powers that be at the Starship 
Southpointe have finally contacted us that they now 
know who scored the goals for the Spiders 50 years 
ago. Unfortunately their starship was blasted out 
of the sky by Dale Vader, a Spider Jedi Knight who 
turned to the dark side and now destroys anything, 
including gophers stuck in his tractor, to pieces. 
(WHOA - I gotta cut back the Easter candy!)

#3 Bill, Matt, Mikey - all getting at least one 
goal in the game. If there was someone else who 
scored that I missed, let me know. We'll stop in the 
middle of the next game and make an announcement. 

#2 Ah...no!

#1 First season opener loss in 6 seasons.  Screw you, 
Dale Vader!







Winter 2003 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Kenny G.

Final Season Totals:

 7 - Stevie
 7 - Howie
 7 - Mikey
 6 - Jeff
 6 - Jess
 5 - Eric
 5 - Matt
 4 - Pauly
 4 - DJ
 3 - Fan Club
 2 - Larry
 2 - New Mike
 2 - Jimmy
 2 - Ken
 1 - Bill


Thursday, April 3, 2003
Boomers 5 OT
Spiders 4

#1 THE SPIDER BOOSTER CLUB, BOTH IN THE BAR AND 
THE STANDS - for the first time in a long time, 
we've had friends, co-workers, spouses showing 
up to watch our games.  Yinz guys definitely 
make a difference during the game or hanging
out with us afterwards. We had another rough 
season, but you made it fun. Thank you! 

#2 Jeff - finished off the season 
with a 2 goal effort and good hustle at both ends 
of the rink. 

#3 Howie, Mikey - da boys here both got one goal 
each and did some hard time in the penalty box. 
Howie for an argument with a ref about if Miller 
Lite is less filling or taste great, and Mikey 
in a last ditch effort to pass Eric in penalty 
minutes, gooned it up to get 2 penalties. 
*special note to Polly*, please give this guy 
a massage this weekend, He's too tense. 


Sunday, March 30, 2003
Meadows 13
Spiders  1

#3 DJ, Howie, Matt - Howie Hockey broke the 2 game 
scoreless streak with a beauty top corner shot. DJ 
kept on keeping on. With her "Mario" hawkeye pass 
to set up Mikey for a one timer, unfortunately 
ol 2-9er couldn't pull trigger. Her passing game is 
improving. Matt for being the first Spider recognized 
outside the arena. He was spotted at Mad Mex in 
Green Tree where he got a free appetizer from the 
chef. Later the waitresses all took turns getting 
autographs and pictures with him. Special note to 
Spider fans: I, Kenny G., will be at Wendy's this 
Tuesday in Robinson Township. Anyone wishing to 
treat me can buy me a number 2 combo meal, 
biggie size! 

#2 - Nahdah.

#1 This is a rebuilding year? Yeah, that sounds 
good. 


Wednesday, March 26, 2003
Polar Bears 7
Spiders     0

#3 - Kenny G., DJ - Kenny G. had the motor going, 
with a few nice shots to boot. Damn goalposts! 
DJ, couple of nice passes, couple of nice chances. 
You'll get 'em next time. 

#2 - No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss because the refs 
still suck.


Thursday, March 20, 2003
Amwell Machine 5 OT
Spiders        4

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss because the refs suck. 

#2 Eric - da Big Cat was on the prowl. A 2 goal 
effort, and for it being a real heated game, I 
think he only had 1 penalty. Of course after the 
game he went to work and disconnected the phone 
service to both refs. 

#3 Jeff, Jess, Pauly, Stevie - Jess and Jeff for 
their scoring touch.  Pauly for working his butt 
off, good hustle Pauly. Stevie for keeping us in 
the game, especially late in the 3rd. 


Saturday, March 15, 2003
Spiders 6
Blades  1

#3 Stevie - birthday boy only gave up 1 goal in 
another great win for the Spiders, or as DJ would 
say Spidaaaaars! 

#2 Jess/Howie - (2 goals each). Jess owns the Blades! 
3 career goals against them.  Howie Hockey-just 
keeps rolling.

#1 Mikey - OL 2-9er scores 2 goals, 1 short handed. 
Of course he also was on the other side of a great 
save made by one of the Blade skaters.  Mikey was so 
pissed when the shot was blocked, he broke his stick 
off the goalie's head, knocked down the ref skating 
back to the bench, got a new stick and then scored....
or...is...that the green beer clouding my memory? 
Green beer....good!


Saturday, March 8, 2003
Spiders  6
Panthers 0

#3 Jeff, Jimmy, NewMike - Jeff a 2 goal effort night. 
Jimmy - the return of Capt. Jim sparked the team to 
victory. (new)Mike - played a great game on defense. 

#2 Howie - Howie Hockey has arrived. his first hat 
trick as a Spider led the team to its second victory 
of the season. 

#1 Stevie - be a brickwall was what I said to Stevie 
on my first shift, and he did not disappoint. He 
added another shutout win, and then went on to play 
for the Polar Bears and beat the first place team 
Amwell Ko Machine Sports or whatever they're calling
themselves, Stevie was heard to have said to them 
while shaking their hands after the game, "You'll 
see me again!". 


Wednesday, March 5, 2003
Meadows 8
Spiders 6

#3 Bill, Pauly, Stevie, Larry, Eric, Jess - Bill/Paul, 
good defense and both cashed in on offense. Stevie, 
for "the save." Unfortunately it wasn't "The Save" 
but I think "The Save" is coming.huh? Larry, in his 
new appointed role as instigator. And of course 
Eric/Jess for providing the "live entertainment" 
for the drunks in the bar after the game. Jess came 
inches away from becoming the #1 star of game, but 
she was saved by the sports bra. Probably a good 
thing no one had a video camera or a tape entitled 
"Hockey Chicks Gone Wild" would have been made. 
 
#2 Matt - 2 goal effort. 

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Sharks  5
Spiders 1

#3 Jeff - scored the only goal for us and starting 
to get back his old shot of crippling teammates 
with his shot. Did anyone get a picture of Eric's 
flesh wound? 

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Saturday, February 8, 2003
Boomers 4
Spiders 2

#3 Matt/Pauly/Eric - for scoring the goals. Paul 
once again worked his magic scoring a goal off a body 
part, we won't mention which one. And also Eric for 
hitting a guy going into every face-off. We're not 
sure if he knew the guys or if his vision is going, 
but I heard one of the Spider giveaway nites will 
be Stevie Contacts Nite, so all fans can see the 
puck like Stevie. 

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Spiders 7
Blades  5

#3 The Rest of the Team - (1 point each) (new)Mike, 
Pauly, Jimmy, Ken, Jeff, Larry(goon!), Eric(new 
nickname: The Bus), Matt, Howie(the new kid in 
town), Stevie, everyone helped out at both ends 
of the rink to start the season off right. 

#2 DJ/Jess - (2 points each) and rounding out the 
chick line, Mikey's co-workers both had great 
games. Jess scored the game winner with a 
convincing one timer, and DJ had 2 assists, one
coming off her body. Which of course was the new 
play the Spiders have been working on, someone 
take a slapshot at DJ, the other team thinks she's 
wounded and Mikey scores the goal.  Notice how 
Mikey waited to she if she was breathing before 
he scored his goal. 

#1 Mikey - ol' 2-9er had another 4 goal effort. 
Of course half the credit goes to me for putting 
on his hockey socks by mistake. He did make the 
comment that I have to do this every game now. I
will definitely draw the line when I have to start 
putting on all his equipment before the game...







Fall 2002 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Kenny G.

Final Season Totals:

Eric   - 6
Mikey  - 5
Jeff   - 4
Matt   - 3
Larry  - 3
Jess   - 3
Ken    - 2
Stevie - 2
Bill   - 2
Jess' Sister - 2
Polly  - 2
Pauly  - 1
Richie - 1
Jimmy  - 1
John   - 1
Lynn   - 1
DJ     - 1


Friday, December 20, 2002
Ko Sports 4
Spiders   3

#3 Larry - scored the other goal and was muckin' 
and grindin' in the corners or was he ice 
dancing? Whatever. 

#2 Eric - the Scorin' Machine. Also the overall 
winner of Ken's Penalty Box 3 stars of the Game 
Award for the Fall 2002 season.  Way to go Big 
Cat. 

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Saturday, November 30, 2002
Ko Sports 6
Spiders   5

#3 The Scor-ers - Ken, Eric, Mikey, Bill, 
Larry after the last game everyone had 
doubts if we were ever going to show signs 
of life, but this game was encouraging. With 
a nice assist to the rest of the team. 

#2 The Fans in the Stands - nothing picks up 
a team more than fans in the stands. and we 
actually had 2 this game!  Had Mrs. Jimmy been 
there-Brittany-we would have to look into 
selling season tickets. So a big Spiders thanks 
to Jess's sister, who supposedly is louder 
than Jess, which anyone knows who sits by Jess 
on the bench seems impossible.  And Polly, who 
flew hundreds of miles just for the game, 
thats dedication. Plus it was also nice for 
Mikey to provide her a place to stay and cook 
a turkey dinner for her. 

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Sunday, November 24, 2002
Meadows 6
Spiders 3

#3 DJ - for proving she doesn't need 
Mikey to dress her....I'd better throw 
some more info in here right? DJ can 
never pull her jersey over her football 
size shoulderpads, actually its kind
of pathetic, she just stands there like 
the little brother who couldn't put his 
arms down in the Christmas Story movie with 
little Ralphy. but she had to do it since 
ol 2-9er forgot his skates at home, got 
back to the rink then realized he forgot 
his Club security for his car, got back to 
skate long enough to get his second penalty 
of the year (goonie!). 
 
#2 Eric - Big Cat constanly kept the team 
upbeat even when things looked hopeless, 
like the whole time.  Cheer up guys, we'll 
get through this BLAH spell.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Friday, November 8, 2002
Blades  6
Spiders 5

#3 Matt - good effort at both ends of the 
ice. 

#2 Mikey - not so much for his usual 
offense but for getting a penalty for 
only the second time I can recall. You 
better not be acting like that when Polly 
comes back to town you GOON!! 

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Monday, October 28, 2002
Dragons 6
Spiders 2

#3 Jeff/Matt - for each scoring a goal.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Monday, October 21, 2002
Polar Bears  5
Spiders      3

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Thursday, October 17, 2002
Blades  6
Spiders 3

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Monday, October 7, 2002
Dragons 6
Spiders 3

#3 No #3 star awarded. 

#2 Jess - for scoring her first goal of the 
season,and putting on a punishing hit at 
center ice to...um...well...BILL on our team 
but she jumped back up and kept playing 
without a glove, I think it was really to 
show off her nails. and of course for "dress 
up" after the game. 

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Tuesday, October 1, 2002
Spiders     3
Polar Bears 1

#3 The Rest of the Spiders - Mikey - 
putting in the clincher with an empty net 
goal from his blue line. Bill - getting 
the first spider goal. Jimmy, Ken, 
(new)John - laying down the law on defense.
Eric, Matt - getting the penalties, giving 
the Polar Bears false hope.Richie, Larry, 
Jess, Lynnie, Paul - for putting the 
finishing touch on a great team effort

#2 Stevie - for keeping us in the game 
and by starting the season off with "The 
Save".  

#1 Jeff - game winning goal with less than 
2 minutes left in the game. 







Summer 2002 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Kenny G.


Final Season Totals:

Jeff   - 10
Mikey  - 9
Stevie - 8
Eric   - 5
Larry  - 4
Matt   - 4
Jess   - 4
Bill   - 3
Pauly  - 3
Richie - 2
Jimmy  - 2
Johnny - 1
Ken    - 1
DJ     - 1


Friday, August 30, 2002
Spiders 6 OT
Pylons  5

#3 Stevie - da goalieman. had some key saves in 
the game, but stopping a 3 on 0 breakaway was 
impressive.

#2 Mikey - once again the big two-niner threw in 
his two cents, make that 2 goals.

#1 Jeff - with his second o.t. game winning goal 
of the season and two goal effort. Not only does 
he get the #1 star, but also finishes first for 
the 3 stars award for this season. 


Sunday, August 25, 2002
Spiders 3
WVUH    2

#3 Pauly - took some hits late in the game and 
hung in there playing defense, great job.

#2 Matt - scored the 2nd goal from a beauty of a 
pass from Eric. With both of them coming down 
the ice in their all black jerseys they could 
have a new nickname: "Black Out Boys." Nah!! 
Sounds to much like a kiddie pop band. 

#1 Mikey - scores the winning goal going top 
shelf, must be that new "confidence booster" 
he was talking about in the locker room.


Sunday, August 18, 2002
Spiders     6 OT
Polar Bears 5

#3 Mikey - two goals with his new stick. 

#2 Rest of the Team - for playing the entire 
game with only two subs against a team with 
three full lines and still managing to pull
out a victory. 

#1 Jeff - beauty of a goal in OT to win it 
for the Spiders. 


Wednesday, August 14, 2002
Panthers 5
Spiders  1

#3 Eric/Stevie - Eric for a beauty of a goal 
on a breakaway to keep the Spiders from getting 
skunked, Stevie for making thousands of key saves 
and keeping the game close until we started taking 
chances late in the contest. 

#2 Jimmy/Larry - for defending the Spiders' honor, 
even though it cost them each a three game suspension. 

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, July 30, 2002
Spiders    2
Morgantown 2

#3 DJ - making her debut behind the bench, 
Coach DJ helped out with the line shifts and 
yelling South Park references when needed. Next 
time she coachs we'll have to get her a pair of 
glasses to swing at the refs for when they miss 
some calls, when she can put them on and say 
"Oh, look!  A blue line!  Hey, ice!"

#2 Stevie - helped stopped the bleeding on a less 
than par season with some key saves again.

#1 No #1 star awarded in tie.


Sunday, July 28, 2002
Pylons  9
Spiders 6

#3 No #3 star awarded. 

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, July 16, 2002
Polar Bears 4
Spiders     1

#3 Bill - for scoring the only Spider goal of 
the night. 

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Saturday, July 13, 2002
WVUH    4
Spiders 2

#3 Johnny - first for returning to the lineup, guess 
those contract negotiations are a pain. He scored a 
nice goal but while serving a penalty he was seen eating 
popcorn, stolen from the scorekeeper. Ah, its good to 
have Johnny back. 

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Tuesday, July 2, 2002
Panthers 7
Spiders  4

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 Jeff - for scoring the 700th Spider goal of all time. 

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss. 


Sunday, June 30, 2002
Spiders    7
Morgantown 3

#3 Kenny G. - yeah, I usually don't give 
myself any stars but getting 3 assists last 
night doesn't happen often for me, I've 
got a good feeling about this season for us. 

#2 Rest of the Team - Larry, Jeff, Richie, 
Eric, Jess - everyone gets 2 points for 
playing their butts off, thanks for help on 
defense.  Stevie also gets 2 for some key 
saves, but really for convincing the refs 
he had the puck when it actually was behind 
the net. And the oscar goes to...Stevie for 
his acting in SPIDERMAN vs MORGANTOWN. 

#1 Mikey - starts the season off right with 
a hat trick.







Spring 2002 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Kenny G.

Final Season Totals:

Mikey  - 7
Eric   - 5
Stevie - 4
Jess   - 3
Jeff   - 3
Paul   - 3
DJ     - 2
Ken    - 1
John   - 1
Larry  - 1
Jimmy  - 1 
Bill   - 1


Tuesday, May 28, 2002
Ko Sports 5
Spiders   1

#3 Mikey - for assisting on the final 
goal of the season.

#2 Jeff - for scoring the final goal 
of the season.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Wednesday, May 22, 2002
Threshold 1
Spiders   0

#3 Bill - even though he thought he would 
be kicked out of the game in the second, 
he continued to take his lumps and still 
had some impressive rushes up ice.

#2 DJ - worked hard in the corners and 
around the net.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Thursday, May 16, 2002
Jay's   8
Spiders 4

#3 Jimmy - once again turned in another 
solid effort on defense but gets the star 
for the last couple minutes of the game. 
He blocked a slap shot that hit him in the 
side of the knee, that obviously must have 
sent bone fragments sailing over the whole 
rink. He tried to put some weight on it and 
you could tell he was in alot of pain. But 
instead of heading to the bench he stayed 
at his position until the puck was out of 
our zone. That's why he's the captain.

#2 Eric - continues to be a scoring force 
and flexing some muscle to take the puck 
off an opponent ...hey, can we say that 
on TV?

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.

***SPECIAL MENTION,  #-1 was issued last 
night to Jeff.  For reasons we'd rather not 
discuss.***


Tuesday, May 7, 2002
Spiders 6
Pylons  2

#3 Jess - from a special mention from team 
co-owner Steve, he said he saw someone from 
our bench skate their butt off during the 
first period and that he couldn't believe 
who it was. I was gonna give her a star
just for becoming the vocal leader of the 
team since Red is gone. 

Jess:  HEY THAT SHOULD BE ICING!!!!

Our Bench: they are killing a penalty.

Jess: SORRY!!!!

****Next Spider giveaway item...earplugs.

#2 Stevie - our web head wonder comes up 
big again. And also talking to DJ about 
getting Stevie a design on his mask, it 
sounds like plans are in the works, as 
soon as he can make a trip to Earl Sheib.

#1 Paul - Mr. Patience became his new 
nickname last night in waiting to make his 
moves up and down the ice. But especially 
#1 star for scoring the slowest shot in the 
history of the game.


Wednesday, May 1, 2002
Dragons 6
Spiders 4

#3 Larry - had one of the goals last night, 
and hasn't made it in the 3 stars for a 
while so...welcome Larr.

#2 Jeff -  a nice goal to start the third 
period, also assisted on Jess's 2nd C league 
goal of the season.  We'd have to believe 
that Jeff was Jess's # 1 star last night.  
Ahhhhhhhhhh.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.  


Sunday, April 28, 2002
Spiders       6
Pens Pro Shop 4

#3 Johnny - scoring on a screen shot 
keeping the Spiders in the game. Also 
showed signs of life of "THE REACH!!" 

#2 Eric - stuffed in the tying goal, 
and had agood offensive night, even 
kept skating with a cramp. What a guy. 
Also was given the nickname "Big Cat" by 
DJ. We don't know what she means. 

#1 Mikey - scored the winning goal late in 
the contest capping off a 2 goal 1 assist 
night. 


Tuesday, April 23, 2002
Polar Bears 2 OT
Spiders     1

#3 No #3 star awarded.

#2 No #2 star awarded.

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.


Sunday, April 14, 2002
Ko Sports 10
Spiders    7

#3 Eric - first game as a Spider, some extra 
added muscle that will put a smack down when 
the Spiders turn it around. 

#2 Jess - there's only one team that Jess 
wants to beat whenever we meet them, and 
that's Ko Sports, her part-time employer. 
We couldn't get the victory for her but 
she did score a goal and won a water battle 
vs. Red in the locker room. Overall not a 
bad night. 

#1 No #1 star awarded in loss.  


Wednesday, April 10, 2002
Ice Dogs 7
Spiders  $

#-1 Star to Kenny G. for promising to be there and then not
showing up and leaving the D shorthanded...


Wednesday, March 27, 2002
Dragons 6
Spiders 5

No stars awarded in a 6-5 loss after the 
Spiders blew a 4-0 lead and then gave up the 
winning goal with twenty nine seconds 
left in the game.  BLAH!


Monday, March 18, 2002
Spiders     3
Polar Bears 2

#3 Kenny G - not to steal the limelight from 
the rest of the team who busted their butts 
in this win, but I do get to say I scored the 
first C league goal and it was for our team 
also!!  Of course I have to give props to 
Johnny for giving me the goal, thanks 
Uncle Johnny.

#2 Stevie - goalieman does it again. The way 
he was snagging shots with that larger than 
life glove, he definitely had that 2 time 
champion goalie thang going on.

#1 Mikey - Big Ol 2-9er provided the big gun 
with 2 goals and 1 assist . He almost lost 
the #1 star, for not getting the key to the 
locker room which cost 3 guys some dough, 
but hey, we've got the FBI on the case.







Winter 2002 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Kenny G.

Final Season Totals:

18 - Big Red
14 - Mikey
 8 - Bill
 8 - Jeff
 8 - Jimmy
 7 - Rich
 6 - Ken
 6 - Stevie
 5 - Jason
 5 - Lynnie
 4 - Jess
 4 - Larry
 3 - DJ
 1 - Dale


Thursday, February 14, 2002
Spiders      6
Medicine Men 1

#3 Larry, Jeff, Rich, DJ, Jess, Ken, Jason, 
Stevie - the supporting cast, played heads 
up hockey to lead the Spiders to their best 
season ever. 

#2 Jimmy - Captain Jim's leadership on the ice and 
words of wisdom get us through another game.


#1 Mikey - the Big 2-9er had yet another hat trick 
night, one goal from a face-off.


Thursday, January 31, 2002
Bayside Bombers 4
Spiders         3

Three players each receive the #2 star - Rich, Mikey, 
Ken for each scoring a goal in the first loss of the 
season.  Mikey might have received the #1 star, but 
constant babble of not having to get up early today 
while the rest of us did, cost him.


Sunday, January 27, 2002
Spiders 3
Meadows 2

#3 Bill - decided to work off that Steeler game 
anger on a Meadows player.  The rumor 
was that the Meadows player bit Bill on 
the hand, and by next week the rumor 
will be he  bit his ear off and spit it 
back at him.

#2 DJ - scored her first goal of the season 
on a brilliant deflection shot.  
And also for reminding everyone 
after Bill's fight that "Hey this 
is the D league buddy!" Thanks for 
clearing that up, DJ.

#1 Big Red - scoring 2 goals and in a game 
that could have gotten out of 
control with fights and yet having 
no penalties! (Ken decided to take 
over that department for the 
night.)


Thursday, January 10, 2002
Spiders      9
Medicine Men 4

#3 Mikey - scored a beautiful goal off another 
brilliant pass from ol' #67.

#2 Big Red - also with a 4 goal effort and a 
lovely display of "classic Johnny" 
all night.

#1 Jeff - a 4 goal effort, got back to his 
old form of anything on the net 
spells trouble for the Medicine 
Men.


Saturday, January 5, 2002
Spiders 11
Pylons   2

#3 Bill - instead of walking around a Pylon, 
he decided at the end of the game 
to knock one down. Way to go, eh!

#2 Lynnie - notched her second victory in goal. 
Mini Moose saves the day again!

#1 Big Red - proves again that he owns...owns da 
Pylons with a 7 point night. He 
might have had more if he started 
wearing official Spider socks!


Saturday, December 29, 2001
Spiders 5
Devils  3

#3 Richie -  first for skating around with his 
suspenders hanging down--I thought 
it was the latest trend myself--and 
second for skating with his jersey 
on backwards after adjusting his 
suspenders--again I thought it was 
a new trend. New nickname for Richie, 
Trend Setter!

#2 Big Red - for again getting under the 
skin of the other team, this 
game included the goalie coming 
after him.  What's next, 
the drunks at Jay's?

#1 Bill - for scoring the winning goal with 
less than two minutes left in the game.


Sunday, December 23, 2001
Spiders 4
Meadows 3

#3 Jason -  for surviving his first game on 
defense.

#2 Stevie - for making the big saves again.

#1 Mikey -  for scoring the game winning goal 
and something about being on a goal 
scoring streak, or maybe it was going 
streaking, I dunno.


Tuesday, December 18, 2001
Spiders 6 OT
Devils  5

#3 Stevie

#2 Big Red

#1 Captain Jim


Tuesday, December 11, 2001
Spiders 8
Pylons  6

#1 Whole Team - behind by four after one, we rallied 
to pull out a win.

#-1 Dale - for leaving the rink because he forgot 
his gloves, bad excuse!


Tuesday, November 27, 2001
Spiders         7
Bayside Bombers 2

#3 Jeff

#2 Mikey

#1 Big Red







Fall 2001 Three Star Awards

As awarded by Kenny G.

Final Season Totals:
 
Mikey  - 12
Stevie - 11
Jeff   -  6
Bill   -  6
Jess   -  5
John   -  4
Dale   -  2
DJ     -  1
Larry  -  1


Wednesday, October 31, 2001
Spiders      5 OT
Medicine Men 3

#3 Johnny - in what will probably be his last 
game of 2001, Johnny added 2 goals to this 
year's campaign, one coming in the overtime 
shoot-out.

#2 Jess - gets her first goal in her first 
season, including assists from the whole "chick" 
line, not to mention kept getting yelled 
at all night by some hoser wearing a big 
A on his jersey.

#1 Stevie - though having to put up with flukey 
goals this season, Stevie comes up big when 
most needed, in the overtime shoot-out.


Sunday, October 28, 2001
Ko Sports 5
Spiders   2

#3 Larry - for getting knocked around 
by the "tree" and still alive, we hope.

#2 Jess/DJ (tie) - the supporting cast 
for the Big 29er's goals, they know 
how to assist their man.

#1 Mikey - once again the scoring force, 
unfortunately in a losing effort 
vs the minor league affiliate of 
the Wheeling Nailers.  Plus Big 29er 
 scored his career 50th goal as a 
Spider, prompting Johnny to say 
@#$%&!!!!


Tuesday, October 16, 2001
Spiders 9
Pylons  1

#3 Bill - gets hit in the throat by a stick 
and still sticks around to score some goals.

#2 Stevie - had his first back to back 
shutout games all but wrapped up until 
Big John got his big skate in the wrong 
place.

#1 Mikey - inspired from a 5 goal night 
just days before at the Mellon Arena, Mikey 
chips in for a multi goal night. Is this a 
sign?  Could Mikey lead the Spiders to the 
promised land?  Stay tuned.


Wedensday, October 10, 2001
Spiders         7
Bayside Bombers 0

#3 Mikey

#2 Jeff

#1 Stevie


Wednesday, October 3, 2001
Ice Hawks 7
Spiders   2

#3 Jeff

#2 Mikey

#1 No #1 awarded.


Saturday, September 29, 2001
Ice Dogs 3 OT
Spiders  2

#3 Mikey - beauty of a shot scored from 
right side of net.

#2 Bill - took a hit to the knee, but 
stayed on the ice for a breakaway goal.

#1 No #1 awarded.


Friday, September 21, 2001
Medicine Men 5
Spiders      0

NO STARS AWARDED IN 5-0 LOSS. BLAH!!!


Saturday, September 15, 2001
Ko Sports 4
Spiders   3

#3 Jess - took abuse in front of the 
net, got hit with a puck from her boss 
Kurt and was expected to work the next 
day.

#2 Bill - more good end to end rushes, 
plus scored the game tying goal, late 
in the game. 

#1 Johnny - scoring 2 goals, and 
getting knocked around all night 
without a penalty called, but really 
the #1 star for being in rare form 
in/out of locker room.


Wednesday, September 5, 2001
Spiders     3
Polar Bears 1

#3 Bill -  good defense and end to end 
rushes.

#2 Mikey - 2 game scoring streak plus had 
the 2 ladies as his wingmates.

#1 Stevie - great goaltending when most 
needed.


Wednesday, August 29, 2001
Spiders 10 OT 
Pylons   9

#3 Jess - starting her first spider game 
and providing the battle cry CORN!

#2 Dale - 2 goal night inspired by the 
house band at Jay's playing 
Wanted Dead or Alive!

#1 Jeff - scoring the winning goal in 
the overtime shootout.





| Home | 
Game Results | 
Player Profiles | 
Photo Gallery | 

| Team History 
| Guestbook | 
Web Site Stats |