Team History

Pre-History

The team grew out of a group of players who had been attending adult learn to play hockey clinics at Southpointe. As is often the case, drills and practices only satisfy those primal hockey urges for so long. Real, live game action becomes necessary, and thus, plans to field an actual team were developed among the clinic players. Many "clinicians" invited friends and associates to fill out the roster, and the Eagles franchise was born.

Season 1
July 1997 - October 1997

Other than the sheer thrill of playing, there weren't many highlights to be had in that first season. The team began play on Monday, July 28, 1997, with a 5-2 loss versus the Killer Bunnies. Included in the lineup for that first game were current and/or longtime Spiders DJ, Stevie, Todd, Mikey, Kenny G, and Dale. It is interesting to note that the first night's lineup did include five females (DJ, Tracy, Lynn, Karen, and Colleen).

The Eagles did manage to eek out their first victory, a 2-1 decision over Skip's Auto on September 8, 1997. Earlier that same season, Skip's had trounced the Eagles 13-1. It was in that game the Tracy scored her first ever league goal, and the only goal she would ever score as an Eagle. Tracy left the team before the conclusion of the season to return to North Carolina, where she soon hooked up with the Trailblazers.

Season 2
November 1997 - April 1998

The only 15 game regular season in franchise history. The team played it's first two overtime games (losing both), and garnered its first ever ten goal output in a win over the Road Runners on January 7, 1998.

Season 3
May 1998 - August 1998

The summer season of 1998 brought with it several significant changes, one of which was the first of two major "splits" in franchise history. A group of original Eagles broke off to form a new team known variously throughout subsequent years as the Pittsburgh Chill, Angry Aliens, and Triple X.

The Eagles, meanwhile, switched their name to the Barking Spiders, added future Spiders Hall of Famer Toby, and perhaps inspired by this new moniker and lineup, rattled off a 5 game winning streak en route to a 6-3 record. Thus came the first trip to the playoffs, but death came quickly in a loss to Jay's.

Season 4
September 1998 - December 1998

The Barking Spiders score their first ever win by forfeit, and make their second ever playoff appearance, losing 8-2 to the Demon Ducks on December 18, 1999. On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, November 24, 1998, Tracy made a special return to the ice. In town for the holiday, she brought her equipment with her from North Carolina, and suited up for a one night stand. This would be her last appearance as a Spider/Eagle.

Season 5
January 1999 - April 1999

The team's first and only loss by forfeit takes place on Tuesday, March 2, 1999 versus Threshold. Captain Jim was in the locker room suiting up to play in goal, but the refs refused to wait or even let us start the game shorthanded. Jimmy eventually did appear, and proceded to do an admirable job in goal during the scrimmage that took place since the teams were allowed to continue using the ice despite the forfeit.

Season 6
May 1999 - August 1999

Four out of the ten games on the regular season schedule go into OT. The Barking Spiders split them at 2-2.

Season 7
September 1999 - January 200

The team drops the "Barking" and henceforth is known as the Spiders. The newly-chistened Spiders rattle off a six game winning streak, and make their third playoff appearance, their first in two season and in over thirteen months.

Season 8
February 2000 - April 2000

The Spiders finally grab their first playoff victory, an 8-3 victory over Ko Sports, April 18, 2000.

Following the spring 2000 season, the second franchise split took place, as another group, this time led by Sarge, left to form a new team, a renegade version of the Spiders based at the Bladerunners ice complex in Bethel Park, PA.

Season 9
May 2000 - August 2000

And thus began the improbable ascent towards the lofty heights of CSHL immortality. A season wrought with peril. A season where Joe and Jimmy were both lost to knee injuries. A season that at midpoint looked as though it was lost. And a season were veteran Spiders dug down deep inside for the motivation that only champions know, and won the Southpointe CSHL Summer 2000 D League title.

Things began well in this most memorable of campaigns. A 9-1 win versus the Pens Pro Shop, highlighted by Michael's first career ice hockey hat trick started the ball rolling. In the third game of the season, against eventual Championship Series opponents the Ice Hawks, Kenny pulled out a thrilling OT win by scoring on the last shot of the shootout. After five games, the team stood with only one loss, but then things began to go south.

Three straight losses put the Spiders playoff aspirations in jeopardy. The looming absences of several key players for the final games of the season cast a dark shadow across the franchise. But aided by a forfeit win, finishing the season with a pair of victories was enough to catapult the team into post season play.

The rival Ko Sports team went down 8-3 in the first round, Spider revenge for an early season loss. A scheduling mishap almost cost the Spiders any further playoff competition. Each team in a contest with the Polar Bears was given a different game time. Once again things looked bleak, but CEO Steve came through for the team off the ice this time, and the rescheduled game was on. Despite having perhaps the lowest turnout of players on the season, the Spiders banished the Polar Bears with a 5-2 win, and then spit shined their shoes, as they were now about to go dancing with Lord (CSHL?) Stanley.

The best of three series for the championship was set. The Spiders would meet the Ice Hawks. Monday, August 14, 2000, saw the Spiders play their first ever finals series game, and in memorable fashion they skated away with a convincing 9-1 win. The next night could now be it, one more victory would clinch the Spiders place in history. And the team did not disappoint. A 5-1 triumph was forthcoming, and on Tuesday, August 15, 2000, the Spiders captured the Southpointe CSHL Summer 2000 D League Championship.

Season 10
August 2000 - December 2000

As any championship team will tell you, it is not easy to repeat. And as championship teams should know better, regular season success does not always translate into post season glory. Such is the summary of Season Ten for the Spiders, a season where regular season wins were if not decisive, at least frequent. The Spiders matched their record for highest win total with 7, and did not lose by a wide margin until the final game played in the season. That 8-0 loss, however, was foreshadowing of things to come. By virtue of their regular season record, the Spiders were afforded a first round bye in the playoffs, but ended up losing a one-goal game to the Ice Dogs in round two.

Season 11
January 2001 - April 2001

Season Eleven saw the Spiders face several major changes. Gone was leading scorer and future HOFer Toby Swango. A new league commissioner instituted sweeping changes in the organization of the Southpointe CSHL. The number of teams in the D division diminished, and the caliber of several of the remaining teams was far above D level play. What are we trying to say here? Basically, we sucked. The team dropped to its lowest point total since the second season. A four game losing streaked ended the season, a streak in which only 3 Spiders pucks found the back of the net. No playoffs this time, and not much to build on for the coming year.

Season 12
April 2001 - July 2001

The spring 2001 season found the Spiders again hovering slightly under the .500 mark. A late surge brought hope for a playoff appearance, but none was forthcoming. Still, the season did have its highlights. After just under three years of play, the franchise brought home victory number 50 in a Sunday, June 3 8-6 win over Lincare.

Other season highlights included Kenny G. providing official Team Spider pucks, suitable for framing and collecting autographs of your favorite Spiders players, DJ getting credit for a goal on a shot that deflected off of her inner thigh and into the net, and a special appearance by Calvin as Milli Vanilli.

Season 13
August 2001 - October 2001

Season thirteen will forever be remembered as the unveiling of the Simultaneous Lovin' line. What is the Simultaneous Lovin' line, you ask? Taken from the song of the same name by Chef of South Park fame, the Spiders version consists of Mikey sandwiched at center between the two hot babe wingers that are Jess and DJ. More than just eye candy, this line racked up the points as well. Mikey averaged one goal per game over the ten game season, including two multi-goal performances, Jess banged one in during league play, and DJ scored on Civic Arena ice during the team's first sojourn to the hallowed ice of the Penguins.

Yes, that's right, thanks to the astute managerial skills of Kenny G, the team managed a field trip to play on the ice at Mellon Arena. A festive atmosphere ensued. See the Photo Gallery for a visual recap. The experience helped motivate the team to climb back towards a respectable .500 mark after a four game losing streak, but once again at season's end, the playoffs took place without the Spiders.

Kenny G. also used the backdrop of season thirteen to unveil his Three Star Awards.

Season 14
November 2001 - March 2002

Red was recruited by Kenny G. to join our merry little band, and immediately added a scoring punch not seen on the Spiders since the days of Toby. Victory followed victory, as the Spiders fell just two goals short of a perfect season, the only loss coming 4-3 at the hands of the Bayside Bombers. The Spiders finished the regular season in first place, and handily defeated the Pylons 10-4 in the first game of the playoffs. Second place team the Devils, a team featuring several former Spiders and a longtime Spiders nemesis, routed their opposition in the first round to setup a classic match between the two best teams in the league. The Spiders came out on top during both regular season meetings, including a disputed overtime win, but the games were close and hard fought.

On Saturday, March 2, 2002, the Devils jumped out to a 1-0 lead. Red was not his usual dominating self, and the team had to claw it's way back into contention with a pair of late goals, and then hang on to eak out a 2-1 victory. Red took great exception to the quality of the officiating (or his perceived lack thereof), and the quintessimal image of Game One has to be Red running down the locker room hallway after the game wearing only a towel, bitching at the refs the whole way.

The following Monday, March 4, things began even worse for our heroes. This time they spotted the Devils a 3-0 first period lead. Stevie was so upset during the intermission that he said he was tempted to throw his goalie mask into the stands and play true oldtime hockey. The score would have gone to 4-0, had it not been for the Spiders own version of "The Save." On a bang-bang play in front, the puck squirted under Stevie and back towards the line. He twisted, turned, and reached behind himself for all he was worth. The Devils protested that the puck had crossed the line, but the refs ruled otherwise, and the score stood at 3-0.

Late in the third, still down 3-0, the Spiders braintrust decided to switch lines around, moving Red back with Mikey and DJ, and shifting Jess up with Larry. It worked. With 5:55 remaining in the game, the Spiders finally broke through and scored their first goal of the game. From then, it was an onslaught. The bewildered Devils were forced to call timeout in at attempt to halt the barrage, but to no avail. The goals kept coming, with Red leading the way, and when the dust settled as he pounded in an empty netter with 44 seconds to go, the scoreboard saw the Spiders ahead 5-3. Victory was assured, and Lord Stanley had returned home.

Season 15
March 2002 - May 2002

Season Fifteen may best be remembered for two things: our move up to the lofty ranks of the C League, and the demise of Red. The league forced us to move up a division after winning our second championship in under two years, and because Red planned on staying with the team. Despite the increased level of competition, the team held its own, and managed to bring home a victory in the very first game in C. Despite reigning in only three wins, the Spiders kept things close in almost every contest, never losing by more than four goals.

After missing a few games early in the schedule, Red returned with a vengence, but also with his trademark temper. After engaging in a heated argument with one of the refs, he managed to get himself thrown out of the league.

Other season highlights included the addition of Paul and Eric to our ranks, Paul's "Mr. Patience" slo-mo goal, and Jess banging home a C leaguer.

Season 16
June 2002 - August 2002

This was the team's best effort in the C League, a four win campaign. This was also the season where Jimmy and Larry both received three game suspensions for "defending the honor of the Spiders." Polly also came on board as an officially designated Spiders fan.

Season 17
October 2002 - December 2002

*Low*lights would be more approrpiate. A dismal 1-9 effort on the season. What more can be said? NewMike (aka Area 51) was welcomed into our ranks, keeping the season from being a total wash.

Season 18
January 2003 - April 2003

Two goals were all that stood between the Spiders and a .500 season in C, but alas, two OT losses kept the team two games under. Mikey took his first ever multi-penalty game against the Boomers in one of those OT losses. The team also managed to lose by twelve goals, something not done since the first season back in '97. Perhaps the most memorable events took place off of the ice, up at Jay's, during the St. Patrick's Day celebration. Check out the Photo Gallery for details. We thought we might actually see some skin.

Season 19
April 2003 - June 2003

Our only win of the season came via forfeit in that last game. But on the plus side, Dale returns and informs us that he has obtained his pilot's wings. By the power vested in us, we appoint him Commander in Chief of the Avella Air Force. At the conclusion of the season, Larry departs for greener (or bluer, seeing as how the Pylon's jerseys are blue) pastures.

Season 20
July 2003 - September 2003

The team drops back down to D League for the first time in five seasons. DJ and Jess pick up the battle cry of "Pink Tacos!" Todd returns to action after a long, long hiatus. Kenny G. leaves the team at the completion of the season to take over drum duties with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem. Eric has his name on the roster of just about every team in D League. Mrs. Jimmy is once again spotted at a few games. And last but not least, we still suck.

Season 21
October 2003 - January 2004

Stevie plays shepherd and leads in a whole new flock of players. And with good reason. Todd disappears again. As does Richie. Kenny G. reappears, but only for limited action. Dale sort of comes and goes as he pleases. Eric is nowhere to be found, and Matt leaves shortly into the season in spectacular fashion after an on-ice confrontation with Captain Jim over line assignments. Speaking of Jim(s), thanks to Stevie, the Spiders acquire Jim Cubed, with the Goalieman bringing in two new guys named Jim. Let's hope Mrs. Jimmy didn't get too confused. Or too excited. We also acquired Paul Squared, with a new Paul coming on board. All to go along with our pre-existing Mikey Squared and Stevie Squared. Note to Steve: from now on, no matter how good they may be, no new players are allowed on the roster unless they have names unique to the team. Other new additions to our gaggle include Brendan, Evan, JB, Mark, and Dave.

On ice highlights include Evan scoring on a penalty shot that was not part of a shootout, and Jess getting knocked so hard her kids will be born dizzy.

Season 22
January 2004 - March 2004

The Spiders begin by rattling off three straight wins to open the campaign, but then go in the tank and lost seven straight. Most are by close margins, but a disappointment nonetheless.

A few players disappear, but no additions to the roster are made.

The semi-return of Friday night hockey at Bethel is probably the highlight of the schedule. After almost four years had passed since Sarge used to get us the ice, one of our Pauls puts together every other week scrimmage/practice sessions. If nothing else, it gives Mikey an opportunity to break out his purple hockey socks.

In March, Kenny G. organizes the biggest Spiders Night Out in history. Better than half the team meets at Joe's Crab Shack, then wanders over to Smokey Bones for food, libations, and to watch Pitt choke against UConn in the Big East Championships. The event is so huge, even Polly shows up.

Season 23
April 2004 - June 2004

The Spiders start out strong, going 2-1 to open the campaign, but it's all downhill from there, as the team again loses seven straight to close out the schedule.

Stevie develops blood clots in his legs from playing too much rollerhockey, and goes on the DL. A rotating series of guest goaltenders finishes out the final part of the season.

Season 24
July 2004 - October 2004

Lord Stanley comes home!

After not having had so much as a single playoff appearance or even a .500 season since winning the Cup in the Winter of 2002, the Spiders return to form in spectacular fashion and bring home their third league championship.

Stevie was out for the entire season, still recovering from blood clots. DJ follows suit and only makes a handful of guest shots. We lose Wayne in September. God tells JB to stop playing hockey. Matt and Eric return to the fold. Larry plays one game. Porn comes on in goal replacing Stevie, and Dave's brother Pete joins the ranks.

On the ice, the Boomers become Spiders nemesis #1, giving the team its only two regular season losses, the second being an epic 1-0 battle. In the playoffs, the Spiders handle Ko Sports 7-5, but the Boomers get what amounts to a first round bye when Coaches Against Cancer forfeits. The Boomers are hence well rested when the best of three finals series begins, and they do indeed take it to the Spiders once again, this time by a 3-2 margin. The Spiders were without Big Cat Eric for the contest. Game Two goes down as one of the strangest in the history of the organization. In the third, the Boomers come down on an odd man break. They muff the play, and begin arguing amongst themselves. At the next stopage of play, while lining up for the face off, the bickering continues until one Boomer hauls off and decks the other with a roundhouse to the back of the head. An all out fisticuffs ensues, ending with one of them quitting and leaving the ice. With only two subs and internal turmoil, the Spiders pull away and capture a 5-2 triumph to even the series at one game apiece. There is carryover on the Boomer strife, and shortly before game three is set to begin, Jess is informed by the rink that the Boomers forfeit, and while anti-climactic, the Spiders bring home banner number three.

To what can we attribute this dramatic turnaround? Perhaps the Spiders were buoyed by the ongoing antics in the guestbook/Penthouse Forum. From Nostradamus-like predictions by Brendan: "I put a grand on the Spiders to win the Cup this year," to chronic masturbation: Stevie's sister Adrienne - "You guys have been playing so well that after the game I go home and touch myself. Congratulations," to the tickle-bubble-shower-scenes, to the Dear Penthouse Forum, to the inspirational words of great American historical leaders (Patton, John Belushi), to the raging anal warts, it was all there in Season Twenty-Four.

Season 25
October 2004 - February 2005

So close, so close, and yet so far...

For the first time in frachise history, the Spiders make back-to-back appearances in the championship series. But alas, dreams of a fourth Cup are dashed as the Spider lose, to of all teams, the freakin' Plyons!

Stevie is back in goal, having recovered from his sheep-sex addiction. Farms around West Virginia go on stand-down. Porn continues to affiliate himself with the team by watching damn near every single game from the bar.

Season 26
February 2005 - April 2005

How the mighty have fallen.

After two stellar campaigns, the bottom drops out, and the Spiders return to the cellar. We welcome a whole new host of characters, to the point where regulars walking into the locker room for the second game couldn't help but wonder if they had the number correct.

Eric only plays one game. Matt plays sparingly. B travels to Germany to star is a scheisse video, starting a Hot Carl fad among the Spiders. Dave travels to Philadelpia with the hope for some married poon-tang, but instead ends up screwing a steak and cheese sandwich. The Pope is so upset by the poor play of the Spiders that he dies. Mikey finished seventh in the conclave to replace him, having been deemed the most "papable" candidate on the team. Porn takes over in goal for T Rex, and we tie him once and beat him once. And we just kind of really suck all season.

Season 27
May 2005 - July 2005

Season Twenty-Seven will best be remembered as the season Dave got hurt yet again. During the June 2, 2005 game against T Rex, Dave was carrying the puck out of the zone when an opposing player dove at his feet, took out his legs, and caused him to land on his shoulder, breaking his collar bone. After thirty minutes of lying prone on the freezing cold ice, the paramedics finally arrive. Wearing jeans and wifebeaters. Instead of putting a neck brace on him, they simply ask "Is it your neck? No? Ok, hoist him up!"

We were going to put a call into Edgar Snyder, but cooler heads prevailed.

Jess disappeared for about a month, leaving the team aimless and directionless. The Quote of the Night feature was really lame. We did observe a moment of silence upon learning that she had dropped her cell phone deep into the waters of Lake Okefenokee, although it probably should have been a moment of loud screaming, considering her phone is never silent for more than five minutes at a time.

We added the father-son combo of Stew and Steve to the roster.

The team started out totally sucky, but came on fairly strong and finished only slightly sucky, losing by no more than three goals the entire second half of the season. In a four team league, everyone made the playoffs, and a hard fought effort was put forth, although the result was a 4-0 first round exit.

Season 28
August 2005 - October 2005

Red returns to the fold. Dave is placed on IR. The father/son combo departs. We start out slow, but really come on strong, 7-1 down the stretch, but lose our first OT playoff game to our nemesis Ko Sports.

Season 29/U>
October 2005 - January 2006

Stevie retires from the Spiders to play in goal at Neville Island. Jim steps in front of the pipes to replace him. We add Adam and his blue helmet to the roster. Kenny G and Mikey attend Super Bowl XL in Detroit. We see Squill for one game and Mike for two. Red and Doug both put forth great campaigns. Dave returns. Todd suits up for almost a full slate. We play against Matt once, and there are several skirmishes. We only finish 6-4, but that's good enough for second place and a trip to the playoffs. For the second time we lose in the championships, this time in two straight to Ko Sports.

Season 30
February 2006 - May 2006

Like a boomerang, Porn returns. Red is banned yet again. Doug plays early but then vanishes. Dan is conspicuous in his early absence, but starts showing up again late in the season. Jess' attendance is spotty at best. Todd is about 50-50.

Our goaltending improves, but we miss Red on O. B really steps up his play, taking over as our Big Gun. We get fancy new interactive player profiles pages. We limp to a .500 record, but make the playoffs on the basis of the tie-breaker with the Golden Bears. The first round game against the Bargoyles is epic. A see-saw battle with the Spiders storming back from two down in the third to take the lead, only to see the Bargoyles score to tie it with their goaltender pulled and less than 40 seconds remaining. Thirteen seconds into the first overtime playoff game in team history, Mikey scores to win it.

For the second season in a row, the Spiders make the finals, this time facing Burgh's. Uninspired play in game one, and a short bench in game two send the Spiders to their second consecutive finals loss, second consecutive finals sweep, third finals loss in a row, and sees their overall finals record evened at 3-3.

Season 31
May 2006 - August 2006

New recruits: Bryan and Charlie, although Charlie sort of peters out there at the end of the season. B continues to kick ass and take names. Dave takes the summer off to attend the World Cup and obtain gainful unemployment. The Spiders were poised within reach of a playoff berth, sitting at 4-3 with three games to play, but limp home with an 0-2-1 record to miss the playoffs for the first time in four seasons.

Season 32
September 2006 - Deccember 2006

The Spiders reel off a seven win season and return to the Finals for the third time in four seasons, but alas, lose in the Finals for the third time in four seasons. After going 3-0 in our first three apperances in the Championship, our record now bottoms out at 3-4. B dominates once again, Petey puts forth a solid campaign, and Dave returns from the Netherworld of the Force. We lose Dan while adding Ted and Mike S.

Season 33
January 2007 - April 2007

A tough time, as the Spiders manage only three wins and miss the playoffs. B tries to organize a tournament trip to Niagra Falls, but we're all bastards and the motion dies due to lack of interest. The highlight of the season comes courtesy of Wrong Way Pete on April 7, 2007, when he lines up for a faceoff on the wrong side of the dot. New blood includes Gary, Brian, and Jeff.

Season 34
May 2007 - August 2007

10th Anniversary, another finals loss, and "hiatus."

The 34th edition of the Book of the Spiders may go down in history as the final chapter. The team finishes with seven wins, and would have had more, but played the first game without a goaltender, losing 8-6, and lost another in OT. Two losses were to the Recchin' Balls, a team whose only two wins of the season came at our expense.

With Porn out until the playoffs, Bryan recruits his brother Craig to play in goal, and Craig proceeds to put forth a stellar effort, compiling a 7-2 record.

After facing an inordinate number of ringers in the first couple of games, Rich signs up his nephew James. James not only leads the team in scoring, but also finds himself atop the Three Star Awards at season's end.

July 28, 2007 marks the Spiders 10th Anniversary. The team takes to the ice for a game against the Killer B's and skates away with a 3-1 victory, marking 137 regular season wins to go against 173 losses since our first game on July 28, 1997. A blast from the past, Mike M, aka Area 51, shows up for the occassion, flying all the way in from Minnesota (and boy were his arms tired!). A notable list of top moments from Spider history is compiled, but as fate would have it, the night itself ends up home to a top moment in "The Great Locker Room Debate." Following the game a Killer B player confronts the Spiders to complain about the presence of James on the roster. "What does it say on the schedule? BEGINNER league! What does it mean? BEGINNER league!" Afterwards a contingent of Spiders retires to the bar where they smoke cigars and watch Bryan hit on men.

The team loses Craig for the playoffs as he returns to school, but Porn is rescued from Castle Anthrax to take his place, and the Spiders defeat Ko Sports in a close contest in the first round to make the Finals for the eighth time in franchise history.

James plays one game in the Finals before he, too heads back to school. The Spiders actually lose that game against a heavily loaded Beavers squad, but then pull off a victory in game two, a contest in which both teams' ringers are absent. Despite hoping that Jr. Beavers had also returned to college, they do play again in game three, and the Spiders go down to defeat. This pegs the team's record in championship series at 3-5, having won in our first three trips only to lose the next five straight.

At the conclusion of the season, not unexpectedly Jess resigns her commission as team captain. Not long after, Southpointe announces that the fall season will consist primarily of one late weeknight game every other week. The consensus among the team is that such a schedule is unacceptable, and our ten year, 34 season streak of continuous play at the Iceoplex draws to a close. B attempts to find us a new home, but alas, there is no room at the inn as Bethel, Ice Castle, the Airport, and the Island are all full.

Season 35
February 2008 - June 2008

The Spiders return from an almost six month hiatus with a new captain at the helm. Petey is installed as the Fourth Emperor of the Kingdom of the Spiders, following in the illustrious footsteps of those giants of history: Dale, Steve L., and Jess.

During the layoff, Ted organized weekly pickup sessions on the outdoor rink at South Park from December through March, and Adam managed to get us two hours of Mellon Arena icetime to celebrate Black History Month.

The roster remains largely intact. Porn is back in goal. The team reels off six straight wins to begin the Pete Era. Despite starting the season in early February, the curtain does not fall until early July, as the Iceoplex closes for repairs in mid-season, a delay that saw the schedule suspended for almost six weeks. Regrettably, the ice does not appear to be in any better condition.

The Pens make it to the Stanley Cup Finals, but Bryan sells most of his tickets to pay for his growing addiction to underage Haitian prostitutes.

Long about April, someone gets the bright idea that since we've pretty much been Team Kaleidoscope for years, lacking any semblance of fashion coordination, we should acquire new jerseys. After much bickering and spirited debate, the plebes decide upon a new logo designed by Erik, to be sewn upon the pre-RBK Edge dark Calgary jerseys. With matching socks no less. First Ko Sports was going to be entrusted with the order. Then an embroidery shop in Canonsburg. Then Ko Sports again. First Adam was handling the duties, then Steve C, then Ted flipped out and eventually I think Kenny G was going to have his son take the jerseys to school with him and have his classmates fingerpaint the new logos. Whatever, they have yet to arrive as of this writing, so we'll believe it when we see it. Our new threads also necessitate the first substantive change to the Spiders website since it went online in 2001.

Back on the ice, the team falters a bit down the stretch, going 1-3, finishing in first place but making a quick exit in the playoffs to the Natural Disasters. Mikey misses his first playoff game ever to attend a topless vampire show in Vegas with the ghost of Frank Sinatra.

Season 36
July 2008 - December 2008

The new uniforms arrive and we wear them for the first time in our first game of the season on July 16, 2008 in a 7-5 triumph over the Metro Fools. A visual record is preserved in the Photo Gallery. We look even gayer than we normally do. Jess, who has been MIA for years, actually orders and pays for a jersey, but never bothers to pick it up. So Porn adopts it as his personal jizz rag/anal floss.

While there were no new additions or subtractions to the roster, we did experience another alumni visit. Last year on our tenth anniversary, Area 51 showed up. This year on our eleventh, it was Naked Dale.

Ice time at South Park returns in December.

Dave begins a new pre-game ritual by throwing up in the locker room. He later expands it into throwing up on the bench during games as well. We blame it on morning sickness.

We also find out that Charlie thinks pictures of his friends' penises on his cell phone are funny, not gay.

On the ice, the team follows it's now normal process of rattling off wins early in the season, only to falter late, this time limping home 1-1-1 in our last three. Still, it's the first time since season fourteen in 2001 that we finish with only a single loss.

The Spiders return to the finals for the ninth time in franchise history, and for the fifth time in the previous eight seasons. But after losing in our five previous trips dating back to winter of 2005, this time the Spiders return victorious, capturing our fourth overall crown on December 3, 2008. Dave is the big hero in the deciding game, knocking in two goals, both off of nice feeds from B.

But the true kudos go to Mrs. Dr. B, as she provides the good juju by watching while wearing an official Spiders Team Thong, as well as taking our celebratory team photo after the game.

Season 37
December 2008 - April 2009

Season 38 May 2009 - September 2009

Near perfection.

The crew rattles through the regular season undefeated (which includes one FF), wins the first round playoff game, and then drops the opening contest of the best of three finals series, what turns out to be the only blemish. We come roaring back to take the next two, and capture our second championship in three seasons.

Season 39
October 2009 - March 2010

Season 40
April 2010 - July 2010

Season 41
July 2010 - November 2010

Season 42
May 2011 - August 2011

After over two years of self-imposed writer's block, Mikey finally gives in and updates the history section.

After a winter season ('10-'11) off due to Captain Petey's total incompetence as a human being, the team returns from hiatus and promptly proceeds to fall flat on its face. Being outclassed in Lower C, we manage only one win against a team that isn't the Little Sisters of the Blind.

Mikey had been so upset at the loss winter season that he took the opportunity to quit his job and become a Gentleman of Leisure as of February 2011, providing an endless source of completely hilarious jokes about "having to get up early to not go to work the next day."

Red manages a measly 26 goals to squeak out the league lead (although he ties in overall points due to his dearth of assists.

Various other things happened, but Mikey was so busy not working that he can't remember them.

Season 43
September 2011 - January 2012

Season 44
March 2012 - June 2012

In shades of the break up of Sammy Hagar and Van Halen, Red either leaves or is fired, breaking off to form his own team, Red's Army, at Neville Island.

In his absence, the Spiders drop down a division to Upper D, but are still out classed and only manage a single win, couples with a single OT loss.

Ted formally returns from his tenure in Nashville, having succeeded in both his country music career and training Seal Team Sex to penetrate Osama Bin Laden. Unfortunately, he no longer brings free stolen Gatorade with him, which we directly attribute to our poor record.

BrYan writes a strongly worded email to the league administrators deriding the proliferation of late starting times, which has the effect of not having any effect whatsoever.

Rich makes his traditional once a season game, and scores his traditional once a season goal in it.

Kenny G, despite his profession of loyalty to the Spiders over Red's Army, misses one of our games to play one of theirs. Of course this comes immediately after he literally throws the puck into our own net during OT, so perhaps he was just too embarrased to show his face. Either way, we don't really care much, we just miss the Puck Bag.

Season 45
June 2012 - August 2012

Our 15th anniversary season! From our humble beginnings as a sucky D league team incapable of tying our skate laces properly, we've grown into a sucky D league team incapable of tying our skate laces properly. You've come a long way, baby!

The Spiders actually play on July 28, 15 years to the day of our first ever game. And true to fashion, we lose.

Do you realize that since our 10-0 season in 2009, the Spiders have not won more than 4 games in a season? And we've only won as many as 4 once in that span. Not to be negative or anything, but we suck copious amounts of donkey dick. Two FF loses are probably all the kept us from having our worst GF/GA ratio since the late 90s.

B does return from his self-imposed exile. He brings along his cousin Derrick to fill out the roster, and Derrick goes on to have a stellar season in the one game he attends.

Jeff suffers a rare meltdown, retiring to the locker room for a few moments of quiet meditation before returning. And by "meditation" I mean...

Yet another drop in leagues is in the works for season forty-six, so at least next season we may only lose by 5 goals a game instead of 10.

Season 46
September 2012 - February 2013

Petey is forced to resign his papacy after suffering what doctors call a "mild case of AIDs." He insists he will remain on the roster, to ocassionally make guest appearances, as well as consult on theological matters and doctrine.

The college of cardinals elects Charlie on the first ballot, making him the fifth captain/manager/coach/chief cook and head bottle washer in Spiders history, following in the illustrious footsteeps of Dale, Steve, Jess, and Pete.

After sporadic attendance for a few months, Porn officially anounces his retirement, leaving the team with a revolving door of substitutes in goal most of the time.

On the ice, despite dropping down a division, from upper to regular D, the team manages only three wins, keeping intact our ongoing sub .500 streak.

Off the ice, after nearly 20 years, Jay's Sports Bar and Grill ceases to exist, replaced by something called "Blvd Pub and Kitchen." We don't know what that means, either.

Season 47
March 2013 - June 2013

Or lowlights.

In what may prove to be our last game at Southpointe.

Charlie puts forth a valiant effort in his first season at the helm, but the end results are lacking, due to no fault of his own. We end up forfeiting one game due to lack of players, playing one with no subs, and bringing in a series of non-roster ringers to avoid a forfeit, which looks great on paper, but they ended up scoring at will against the first place team, arousing suspicions, and inflaming the other bench to the point where fights break out. End results: we forfeit anyhow and Charlie, as captain, gets suspended for using illegal players.

On the plus side, one of the non-roster ringers was black, fulfilling one of Charlie's biggest fantasies.

Red offers to take over the team and re-christen it "Red's Spiders." The idea does not fly.

Petey is nowhere to be found all season. Dave makes a guest appearance in the last game. Mark takes over in goal. We add Tom Petty (Sarge II) and Derrick.

The Spider Puck goes to Scotland.

And after 16 years and 47 seasons, the team appears on the verge of switching rinks, with Ice Castle in Castle Shannon being the lead candidate. Late games, weeks between contests, no set nights, it all appears to have reached the breaking point.

Season 48
November 2013 - March 2014

After a relatively brief four month hiatus, B puts forth the effort to take over the team and move us to the Ice Castle Arena in Castle Shannon. Unfortunately, the only slots they have open are in their "C Major" division, which probably equates to what the B League would have been like at Southpointe. The competition is fierce, and the Spiders end up being overmatched in every facet of the game. Statistically speaking, it's the worst season since our very first campaign in the summer of 1997.

Dave and Petey return to the fold. Officially Ted and Squil return as well, but their attendance is sparse. Jeff, BrYan, and Rich make about half. Red plays as a sub twice. Brett is a new addition.

Mark faces more shots in goal in any single game than we normally give up in a season, making some brilliant saves along the way.

Overall attendance dwindles as injuries and lack of motivation mount, and we end up forfeiting one game when we only have four players present at faceoff. One player for the other team switches sides to play for us until Pete arrives, and we still "lose" 14-0.

We come close to forfeiting a second, but Red steps in and fields a team of his buddies. With only Jeff and BrYan as regulars suited up, these Faux Spiders notch the only win of the season.

In what may be the final contest for the franchise, Dave scores on a breakaway, becoming the last long term Spider to score. Mikey assists when Tim scores what could be the very last goal ever.

Charlie opines that he may attempt to resurrect the the team in the fall of 2014 or the winter of 2015, but unless that comes to pass, the world may have witnessed the extinction of Spiders hockey...

Season 49
April 2016 - June 2016

Reports of our death have been greatly exaggerated!

After a two year hiatus, plans were floated for a Southpointe comeback in the fall of 2015. A team Facebook page was even initiated in anticipation. Unfortunately said comback plans fell through. They were later resurrected, with a spot secured in Lower D for the spring 2016 campaign. New comer Jason took the reigns as all around captain, president, CEO, chief cook, and head bottle washer. Charlie spearheaded the effort to obtain new jerseys, and somehow it was decided that the team's color scheme and logos would change as well, with purple replacing the black/red/grey worn since our inception in 1997. A website revamp was undertaken as well, to reflect the new fashion palette.

While the jerseys weren't ready in time for the first game back, we take to the ice on Monday, April 11, 2016, our last game prior having taken place all the way back on March 23, 2014. Kenny G, Mikey, B, Hus, Petey, Charlie, Adam, BrYan, and Richie return full time, with Jeff on board as a sub. New faces joining the team include the aforementioned Jason in the driver's seat, Rob in goal, Steve (Bic), Dave M, Bruce, and Jim S. Our new uniforms are worn for the second game, Tuesday, April 19, 2016. Alas, that, too, is a loss.

The Facebook page swung into gear with game updates/recaps, inspirational messages, and the occasional celebrity death meme. Three Stars and Quotes of the Night continued to be posted on the website, in order to shield NSFW content from, well, W.

Competition is very evenly matched, as we lose several close contests, before finally notching our first win in our fifth game (also our first win in purple), and then essentially go .500 the rest of the way, finishing 3-6-1, and actually managing a win in an OT/SO first-round playoff game, before losing in the second round.

Season 50
June 2016 - September 2016

The Spiders come roaring back in a big way, notching eight wins against only one loss and a tie. However we don't go as far in the playoffs, losing a first round contest.

We add Frank to the roster, and Jeff moves to more or less full time status. Dave M subs for us in goal, and brings home a win. Our Ice Castle goalie Mark also puts in time between the pipes.

Season 51
October 2016 - February 2017

Another strong performance, a 6-3-0-1 record and another loss in the second round of the playoffs.

Hus returns to form by incuring an injury, this time to his knee. The chair ambulance was not necessary. BrYan also suffers as the recipient of a big hit, ostensibly by the biggest dude on the Net Crashers in a first round playoff game, but what according to the ref was the smallest girl on their team.

We lose Jim and Frank. Nate comes off tour with Umphrey's McGee long enough to play his first ice hockey game in years, and looks like he hasn't missed a beat.

Season Fifty-Two
The only way to describe this season is losing. We begin 2-0, but then drop eight straight in the regular season to close at 2-8. It doesn't quite match our worst, as we opened season seventeen in 2002 with a victory and then lost nine straight.

Jason announces late in the season that he's stepping down as captain after two seasons at the helm. B and Dave M agree to assume leadership moving forward. Rob similarly announces that he's leaving his position in goal after accepting the opportunity to coach his son's hockey team.

Plans begin for our 20th Anniversary, as Dave M designs new uniforms, throwbacks of sorts, harkening back to our early years in black, white, grey, and red. There is some contentious voting/debate before arriving at our final design, as Mikey clamored for spider webs, but all in all, we wind up with some sharp looking threads. They arrive before the current season ends, but we decide to save them for the following season, which will incorporate our actual 20th anniversary date.

Season 52
October 2016 - February 2017

...

Season 53
March 2017 - May 2017

...

Season 54
June 2016 - September 2017

Our 20th anniversary season! And a championship!

The season begins in with a social gathering hosted by Adam. Numerous team friends and family attend, including 105 year old Aunt Rose.

Bic throws a water balloon at one of BrYan's kids, making him cry. Says Bic: "He threw one at me first, and I had to teach him a lesson!"

Everyone retires to the rink for the game, where, surrounded by our largest crowd ever, we promptly proceed to lose 9-0. On the plus side, the bleachers behind our bench are full of cheering kids, almost like a mosh pit, only where everyone in the band is named "daddy."

Later in the season, the team plays on the actual exact date of our 20th anniversary, July 28, and we beat the Dancing Bears 7-1. Interesting note of trivia, the Spiders have played on July 28 only five times in team history: our first ever game, and our 5th, 10th, 15th, and 20th anniversaries.

Despite our opening game massacre, and a mediocre regular season that sees us complete a pedestrian 5-4-1-1, the Spiders roar through the playoffs and capture our first league championship since 2009!

Season 55
October 2017 - February 2018

... B>Season 56
April 2018 - June 2018

Mikey wins the league Art Ross and Rocket Richard trophies. B organizes a Spiders tournament trip to Cleveland.

In a flagrant case of self-aggrandisement, the story unfolds as such. After using the same stick for over ten years, and old school shaft/blade combination, Mikey is finally forced to join the 21st century and obtain a one piece composite, as he's actually outlived the technology and can no longer find replacement blades. He immediately proceeds to score on his first three shots with it, including two on the first shift, and ends the game with five total. Kenny G dubs the new stick "Excalibur."

After years of talk that never pans out, in May of 2018, the Spiders compete in a tournament. We have to recruit a couple of players to fill out our roster, at least a few of which seem aghast at our typical locker room talk of gay and dick jokes. We get our asses kicked to hell and back once, but manage to win a game and stay competitive the rest of the weekend. Charlie is awarded the player of the game in our lone victory. There's a league game on the Sunday night of our return, but almost everybody on the tournament roster wimps out.