Coming soon.

Bren became a Spider in 2003. He ran the team for our one season at Ice Castle in 2013-2014, as well as serving as co-captain along with Dave M in 2016-2017. The first, and thus far only tournament trip, to the Ohio Spring Classic in May 2018, was also put together under his tutelage.

A defensive stalwart, BrYan joined the team in 2006. He is best known for being the target of ethnic humor and his gaseous discharges.

Charlie began play with the Spiders in 2006. For several seasons, beginning in 2012, he ran the team. In the spring of 2016 during our big comeback from hiatus, he was responsible for obtaining our purple jerseys. Chuckles can often be counted upon to provide the Quote of the Night. He also organizes the yearly South Park outdoor pickup hockey. He's known for occasionally wearing rainbow pride gloves. His favorite song is undoubtedly Because I Got High.

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Bill was a quick skater, solid defenseman, and offensive threat from the blueline. When he wasn't suspended.

He is also the father of the 9/11 quadruplets, so it's not surprising he doesn't have time to play hockey anymore.

The kalidescpe hair. The dreadlocks. The tattoos. The piercings. The firearms.

A member of our Summer 2000 championship team, Calvin was the colorful personality of the team. Idolized by Toby, Calvin could just as easily be seen tossing Toby into a garbage can as he could silencing the other team by walking into the showers smoking, shirtless, and with a gun tucked into his pants.

Dale is not only an original Spider/Eagle, he is also the first team owner/GM, a capacity in which he served us well for over seven seasons before handing off the reins to Steve. After an extensive medical leave lasting well over a year, Dale made his triumphant return in the Spring 2003 session. Then he left again. Back problems. But he still shows up now and again to lend moral support.

Dale scored the 500th goal in franchise history on Friday, February 16, 2001, in a 6-2 loss to the Polar Bears.

On the rare occassion when Dale is not playing hockey, he splits his time between cleaning gophers out of tractors and trying to register the domain name "naked-dale.com"

He is also the commander in chief of the Avella Air Force.

Eric joined the team for the Spring 2002 season. He was our big guy out there, a presence on the ice, on the bench, and in the locker room. DJ gave him the nickname "Big Cat" because of his ability to be deceptively quick and score the pretty goal.

Due to the birth of his third child, Eric took on a part-time role with the team for the Summer of 2003, missed most of the fall and spring, but returned pretty much full-time in the Summer of 2004. He left again after that season, and is now just a fond memory.

Erik designed our current logo.

Evan also joined the team for the Fall 2003 season, and was a big goal scoring threat until departing after the Spring 2005 campaign.

A military man with conservative political ideology, Jason took to engaging in philosophical debates in the guestbook, all the while diguised as Sidney Crosby.

Yet again, another Fall 2003 addition to the team. JB had a brief Spider career, as not long after he began, God spoke to him through a burning hockey stick and told him to give up the game and devote his life to delivering Easter baskets to orphanages. Even in summertime.

Not only an alumni, but a former captain, owner, league contact, chief cook and head bottle washer.

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Our one time on ice captain, Jim led by example. He was a steady, methodical player who seldom showed any lapses in his game. He was a spiritual leader, but it sometimes seemed as if the Spiders managed to corrupt him.

Howie's tour of duty with the team was brief. He was our Winter 2003 rookie, but then left the team at the conclusion of the Spring 2003 campaign.

We never got to know him well enough post embarassing anecdotes here, so this profile contains absolutely no humor.

Our boy Johnny has been on and off the Spiders more times than a something that gets on and off of things a lot. He joined the team in the second season, then moved to Florida for a couple of years, then moved back, then played about every other season for another year. His whereabouts now are anyone's guess.

He was (in)famous for his bitching, moaning, and whining about any and all things great and small.

Once know for his "Cooper-all" type hockey pants, Larry ditched the Spiders at the conclusion of the Spring 2003 season in order to sign a lucrative free agent contract with the Henchmen.

Mark bounced back and forth several times, beginning play in 2004, playing for several season, then departing, then returning briefly in early summer 2006 only to be sidelined by a tragic equipment problem.

Matt was introduced to the team by Eric, and the two formed our very own Dynamic Duo.

Like Eric, Matt disappeared for most of the latter part of 2003 and early 2004, but rejoined as a regular during the summer of 2004. Now, alas, once again, he has vanished into the mists of time.

Mike joined the Spiders in the Fall 2002 season. He was defensive fixture, and a vocal presence in the locker room and on the bench.

The USAir jerked him around, and he moved to Minnesota, supposedly "for the weather."

Paul had the distinction of scoring what is perhaps the slowest motion goal in the history of hockey. If the puck had been moving any more slowly, it would have been going backwards. But hey, they all count, and that's what really matters.

He moved to Maryland and abandoned us like the pigs that we are...

Rich epitomized the mucker and grinder. Occassionally he could be found skating with his suspenders hanging down and/or with his jersey on backwards. Rich doesn't follow fashion trends, he sets them!

After a brief leave of absence, Richie returned to the active roster in July of 2003, then left again and is only ever seen wandering around the stands of Falconi Field.

While he wasn't really a sergeant on the police force, only a patrolman, we affectionately refered to him as such, as he regaled us with his yarns of life on the streets fighting crime. Although to the best of our knowledge, he never actually played hockey while armed. Unlike Calvin.

Sarge was responsible for obtaining our first batch of white jerseys with logos. Alas, he eventually broke away from our franchise to start his own renegade version of the Spiders at the Bethel Park ice rink.

Paul has lived every guy's dream, he drives the zamboni.

He used to get us ice time for pickup/practice.

Another original Spider/Eagle, Steve assumed control of the franchise from Dale and molded it into his own image of a finely tuned machine. Then he handed it off to Jess to handle all of the administrative tasks, so he could concentrate on the finer things in life.

Like drugs and hookers.

He departed the Spiders in October of 2005 to devote his efforts to endangering species. We wish him luck. Stomp the shit out of those Himalayan Snow Leopards!

Toby was our first big scoring threat. The leading scorer during our 2000 championship season, Toby could often be identified by the set of anal beads he wore around his neck. He idolized Calvin, and could sometimes be found asking Pittsburgh Police officers if they "knew a guy named 'Sarge'."

Toby claims to have suffered about 128 concussions, and as a result informed the team of his decision to take a season off. That was over five years ago, and no one has heard from him since...

As stated elsewhere, this picture demonstrates that Mikey has waaaay too much time on his hands. And/or that he is seriously disturbed.